Lately I've been having a little trouble with gut health and sodium, feeling bloated and just going through temporary health issues. This has afforded me a perfect change to discuss some of my big ideas about modelling. In the micro level, just at this particular time, I've had to abandon posting a lot of photos to instagram as often as I'd like with lingerie modelling because I just didn't feel very confident or comfortable in my body right now, which is quite normal during a health issue. I posted some, but just deleted them after, cause it really wasn't the spirit. But normally I really was trying to always post these every 5 or 6 posts. I guess that plan is thrown out, and I should have known that would happen.
The thing is, on a larger level, this really speaks to the reason why I'm an amateur model and not a professional one. I always did say that I didn't want to be a professional model — but as I get more passionate and creatively involved with amateur modelling just as a form of intermedia art (and as a Glambassador) the reasons for that are so much more emphasized for me. The more I model this way, the more I see just how difficult it would be to have to do this weather I like it or not, or else face financial consequences. To put your body on display with a lot of skin showing really is very vulnerable for anyone. You do get used to it and it doesn't make you feel so speculated upon with experience — but when you don't feel like it it's much less emotionally rewarding. So it's terrible to have to do that under financial pressure.
I'm totally fine with doing that for Patreon and not instagram. I feel the little clique in my Patreon is entirely people who look with forgiving eyes. I really came to realize the people in my Patreon really don't see any flaws in the ways that I'm seeing it. I've gotten messages complaining that some old photos were deleted which I personally thought were hideous in comparison to my new ones. I couldn't believe they actually had any taste for these (lol). It was so funny and sweet to realize just how much they appreciate it all. So I never feel any worries there. That's just a cozy little nest for me. But instgram is very different. I have two pairs of eyes — eyes that comfortably appreciate and eyes that are keen to what might go wrong if anyone saw a flaw in one way or another. I enjoy the healthy challenge of searching for visual problems and creatively outsmarting them. But only when I'm strong.
Lately, I was going through a difficulty with my metabolism. What happened is, I made the mistake of going on a very strict diet for many ongoing months. If only I had simply worked out a whole lot more instead, I would have lost just as much weight without lowering my metabolism through dieting. You live and learn. This was something I learned from through experience and research, thankfully. I can recover my metabolism slowly, but it's quite a burden to do that. With that said, this has made me understand anorexia. Now models with anorexia are people I can totally relate to, and it's just amazingly obvious to me now that professional demands as a model who relies on this work to make money really are a huge contributor to this psychological condition. Sometimes, accepting that you might gain a few pounds of fat here and there is actually part of a balanced life, but tht's not an option for professional models.
These days, the modelling world is much more accepting of different sized women. But the thing is, your image should stay consistent. You brand yourself on a look, and when that look is changing a lot, it's not good for you. I feel the definite inspiration to maintain a very thin weight now that I've achieved it, and I will do everything I can to continue working on that to make sure of it, but that's just a creative and artistic drive for me. If my livelihood depended on it, I think I'd be a much less psychologically healthy person. I can easily see why many models turn to drugs in order to manage their weight, as well as just anorexia. How dangerous and high risk is that — when drugs would not only make you feel better but also save you from financial crisis?! I think great models like Dita Von Teese and Thet Thinn and Chloe Bartoli, you know, all the greats that we see which seem so balanced and healthy as people — these are rare. They have always been such strong healthy people since their youth. That's rare, sadly. That's why the superstar models are not that common.
I don't have what it takes (lol). Haha, but that's never been my aspiration (lol). I'm an intermedia artist and in that, an AMATEUR model, and that's what I believe is right for me, when of course (like most people) I have a background of trauma. I have trauma, never did have the healthiest body actually since birth I guess, and — yeah it's mainly trauma (lol) and that's probably all it's even been with my health. Because of trauma, I never learned at a young age how to notice what's going on with my body weight etc and respond to small changes. That's a skill I'm only developing later in life, so I'm not as advanced and well researched. I truly believe that I will ascend to greatness in physical beauty, soaring to unimaginable heights — but I don't think I'll succeed in that as a professional model. That's what would take me down.
Anyway, for anyone following my modelling, I hope it's needless to say by now that that's my edge. It's not a flaw in the artform but an edge. In fact, I'd say it's a very "competitive" edge. The great irony here is that I may in many ways be seen as somehow greater than professional supermodels as my image becomes more and more beautiful, because of the ethical framework of self-nurturing and recovery from trauma that my work embodies. Ironically, it can be even more beautiful to have recovered from a harm than to have never experienced it, when you are indeed a master healer who brings incredible wisdom of this success along with you from that. The level of self-love you learn through necessity can be a powerfully valuable skillset, something even more rich of a story behind the picture. I'm joking when I call it "competitive" as it's not in the same field of profession of course — but I just mean that it's uniquely special and in a sense more powerful in beauty. I think it's just more fully interesting. Pictures visually convey more glow when they have a story behind them.
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