Right now I'm feeling very connected to some ideas of how I'd like to see my look improve. I always do have longterm visions for my looks, but right now I'm especially interested in some short term ideas.
First of all, I'm very excited to change my hair. Now, I accept myself in the fact that I've devoted any extra money towards other things like creating tangible art, but I'm just sick and tired of my hair and very close to finally making this expensive change. It should be somewhere approaching $300 to get my hair done the first time, after which, thankfully, it's within reason to just upkeep the look.
I've thoroughly decided that if I can't manifest that $300 soon, which is my first priority, I'm putting my Patreon money into it next time I get enough, which should take months — but at least then I know it will happen soon enough. I usually put all that money into new lingerie, but I did take advantage of some sales recently to get much more lingerie than usual — so I estimate that I have enough lingerie to happily keep modelling and keeping things exciting enough until a few months from now. That's a minor stretch, but it should be fine.
For a long time now I've been wearing wigs. The reason for that is because I shaved my head after my dredlocks were getting unmanageable. The plan has always been to let my hair grow underneath the wig until it's long enough for my taste — which is where it's at now. It's long enough now to be down past my shoulders. For that reason, it's starting to look bad at the back of the wig because of my real hair pushing on the bottom. And I really don't like that, even though I'm not the one who sees it.
Sadly, this sense of it being really time to make this change has made me really upset about my wig in much larger ways. I'm very distressed now that I don't like it. I just hate how it looks so fake and plastic under regular photo conditions and so I have to have a blur on my photos so that my hair looks OK. And I feel my photos were destroyed when I was trying normal photos for a change. Which is such a shame. And I can't figure out how to blur those photos properly in another way other than how I've been doing it before just by the way the photo is taken.
Also, I'm starting to feel that even just the style of the wig is not necessarily that me quite a lot of the time. Sometimes I love that cutesy doll look it gives when it's not in a ponytail, but now I'm feeling like that's the only option. Frankly, I feel more drawn to it in a little ponytail with a piece on the sides, but I'm finding as much as that looks good to me in person, it just really isn't working in photos. I feel for photos, I'm stuck with the bushy curly look and I find it looks bad sometimes if the hair looks a bit bunchy and it's not always working.
But I'm completely certain that it's not the right thing to just reveal my hair in the current color, the natural color. That really would look bad. It's not a bad color — like anyone has different taste and sure, they might like that color. But it's seriously not the look I'm into as an artist trying to speak a certain very important message through my image. So, it won't work. But it does look pretty nice to me just outside of photos.
So here's the plan of what it will be when I get it done. Already, I've shaved the side of my hair — not too far back, just a quadrant which goes up to where my hairline starts to bald a little and doesn't go too back. I have a little bit of balding, thankfully only on the left side, and that doesn't even disturb me because I'm very comfortable with having the side shaved. But that alone won't do — I'm also into the whole idea of cool patterns to the way it's shaved. I feel getting it professionally shaved in patterns (which I like to do as line patterns in the same angle as my eyebrows) really is too expensive to get that often. However, it's no problem. I've been just using an eyebrow pencil to draw the lines on (which means I can shave it myself often just fully shaved, then the lines create the optical illusion which seems as though some of it has slightly longer hair), and it's so much fun.
I plan to eventually have it tattooed, and I have a tattoo artist picked out for those lines. But since money's not that abundant, I'm very comfortable drawing my lines on. I find that it's a healthy exercise before committing to a tattoo, cause that actually helps me learn what exact spacing and line thickness looks best on me. Also, by doing this, it resolves the balding area to make it appear as though it's hair in that part. I'm very comfortable just playing with that with an eyebrow pencil for a long time, deciding on the exact curves to the hairline and stuff.
And then for color, it's going to be the same color as the wig — platinum white blonde of course — I guess just with an hombre to help the darker roots come in more natural or whatever. And that color definitely is the reason why I need to pay for this to be done at a salon. There's just no way I believe in bleaching your hair at home. It's very dangerous to the hair.
But that's not all. It will be a different haircut than the wig. Right now, I'm drawn to mullets. Not a strict mullet at all like as if you'd shave your head and just have a tail carpet coming down the back haha. But I just mean, a certain layer of your hair is longer. For example, the way hair naturally grows out from shaved creates that kind of a strairstep length pattern.
But I'm sure I want to also get a halo too, to bring the length down around my breasts or something like that just in a small amount. A halo is a type of hair extensions which is just put on with a string around your head, and it blends in with the other hair — but most of the hair is your own real hair. That way, I can have more length even with bleached hair, and it will upgrade the overall hair quality I'm pretty sure. I mean bleached hair isn't the greatest quality.
Now, I will be straightening the bangs and curling it with a curling iron, and I do need to buy those tools for the first time. So that's another expense, as well as protectant for the heat. But I might have to buy another curling iron after the first one if this turns out to be the wrong kind. I'm thinking perhaps take advantage of the returns on Amazon and avoid the cost of buying another one, as much as that makes me feel guilty. I'll think about that, cause that's kinda mean to the seller. Maybe if I research it online really carefully first I can avoid that issue.
I come from a punk background and I've always been very grassroots — and feminist in the sense that I don't feel I should be obligated to glam out just to get any respect in this world — and so this is the first time for a lot of new glamming skills, now that I'm embracing it because of my modelling obsession and Dita's influence, among others. I'm no less feminist for doing this, but it's definitely a new skill. Sometimes I wish I had learned it in high school like the other girls at school who wore false eyelashes and spent 45 mins in the bathroom doing makeup before 7am school starting each morning. I'm sure they are good at it today because of that experience. But I also like my punk background and priveleged, power-oriented outlook on what should be expected of me, from the way I was raised.
This new look will be way more my style. Now, I don't say that it hasn't been my style to wear wigs — it really has been so me to do that. It's just that I'm sick and tired of it now, that's all. The thing is, wigs resonated with me enormously as having a comedy appeal. I always thought if Kurt Cobain had faked his death and travelled around the world after that, it would be so funny if ironically he did succeed in not being recognized by merely using a cheap disguise. Just throw on a wig, some glasses and a moustache or grow a beard hahaha. That's definitely my idea of a good joke, a definite belly laugh. And so I imagine that my wig really has a touch of deep comedy to it considering my punk background too (lol).
And by the way, that is why I unapologetically use "face ups" or AI enhancements on my face, and take it even more extreme for modelling. That's only one piece of a many layered artistic statement though. But I assure you, this whole questioning of my identity as being a factor in how much I edit my face really does fall into my comedy ideas in my mind. It's true, I have many insecurities about my face, and I have many needs of plastic surgery for it — nose job, braces, obviously probably some kind of botox or facelift, and actually that's it for my face but it's huge. But that's truly not at all the crux of why I take that AI face up approach so heavily that it's obviously hugely detectable to the eye. And you can know that by just looking at any of my old pictures before this modelling phase. I've really always been very punk about it if anyone has a problem with my face. I was raised in a powerful family of esteemed leaders, and none of us had any apologies for our looks.
But yes, with this brand of comedy being now outdated, this new hairstyle will be so much more me — in terms of my history for a longer part of my life before I discovered Kurt Cobain at all — as the types of looks I've always found most appealing. For much longer in my life I've been into visionary culture, psychedelic dance culture, organic Earth-based communities, and even a bit of a hippie freak level. A mullet or stairstep length with the side shaved and a tattoo is definitely way more in that aesthetic genre. It's considered a value on being different and unique and not fitting in with conventions of beauty, yet still being gorgeous. The pride of the visionary hairstyles has always been the idea that not only do we wisely resist conformity, but we are actually more beautiful than the standards.
I feel this might successfully fall more into my whole futuristic zeitgeist modelling theme too. I feel the visionary aesthetic has been a lot to do with the future. It's more like an idea that you could say, since you havne't seen this hairstyle around, maybe imagine that it's a time traveller from the future who is showing what the hairstyles become like in say 3000 AD or whatever. By that point we will have to have tried something new to keep things fresh.
Also, I will be stopping the wearing of my big glasses when this is done, mostly. I am getting sick of the glasses for how the shading of the lenses messes up the way my face looks in my photos. It's really causing a lot of problems with the shading. But also too, the way they fit on the ears, they would slip off without a wig to keep them in place. Tucking them into the wig really works. So they're on the way out but I'm not changing it until I get the hair done because I want to make a big dramatic shift all at once with an exciting new change of the glasses to accompany the new hair, so that it goes off with a big splash. I also don't like the way that if I just removed the glasses, people's minds would go to things like "Oh finally you've seen the glasses were too quirky", if they weren't a fan of the glasses. This way, it goes more like "Oh I get it now, the glasses were about trying to look a bit unique even with that wig as such a typical hairstyle, and now it's not needed".
I used to own a pair that had the normal kind of ear pieces so it doesn't fall off, and you can get those on Etsy, but it's high priced. So maybe sometimes I will still wear them as a nicer kind I can get someday but right now I don't care much. I mean, I kinda need glasses for eyesight and I'e actually been just fine wihout it but it might be nice as reading glasses sometimes and not for my shows. I even thought of getting this kind filled with the real prescription lenses eventually and that would be pricy, but I think someday that kind of expense will be warranted.
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