📌 Pinned )) My First "Non-Performative Creative Writing" Antechamber Meditation ⨺ How I Realized Where I Was

When I thought of the frame of mind and perspective of people who would give me an issue about my beliefs of where I'm at with being recognized by the band, to the point of my needing to actually put up an ad so people like that could understand, I suddenly realized this was like fictionalizing an idea that the band sucks, at least just compared to how cool they actually are and which I know of them. I resented the idea that it's like I'd be bullied into painting a bad picture of them. 

And this conversation above with Bruce MacMillan really clued me in more to the issues. You know, people always pretend to be so innocent when they call me into question, but sometimes it's obvious that it's not innocent at all. Bruce, for example, obviously had the intention to hurt me when he commented that. He's claiming that it was not to hurt me but merely to be honest about his pessimism about life. But as someone so much more than aware that he is a pessimist, and of course it's common knowledge that pessimism itself is tied with DEPRESSION (which is very serious, can lead to suicide), his attempt to convince me to take a pessimistic approach here was abusive with intention to depress me, which could lead to my death eventually if I let people treat me like that too much. That's actually what sometimes happens with depression, the people who have it die of what's called suicide, and then that depresses everyone around them. So anyone who actually tries to depress anyone is trying to kill them and everyone around them. Thank God I'm not suicidal, but that's only because I can see it so clearly what Bruce tried to do.

And I'm just as much a proponent of thinking realistically in order to maintain happiness in life, even when the information is disturbing or sad, because of course, without the truth and the honesty to something, you cannot find where the beauty truly is to appreciate it properly (and that's what life is about). But the thing is, he was not here to actually support me in that kind of healthy inquiry into truth, as you can clearly see from the fact that he was not well-read about my story so far, was not aware of the details, and was more just here to promote pessimism in general rather than to claim that he knows anything really about me. And as someone who teaches a lot about myself, it's even more insulting to have someone antagonize me from the presupposition that they're not expected to know anything about me in order to have a right to advise me on what the truth really is in my situation and how to psychologically navigate. 

So like, that's obviously abusive from that man. With the intention to hurt me very seriously. And yet he claims to be so innocent. And in my life, I understand that as an educator it can be a healthy exploration to educate people really well so that they can heal and transcend their limiting beliefs such as Bruce's. And that's why I often sorta make excuses for that type of unaware, low energy, casual, braindead perspective on how to relate with the information I'm presenting. Because for me quite often I find that artistic process very interesting. But I admit, the biggest emotional reward of doing things like that is to outsmart violators like Bruce and stop them from being able to harm me or the people around me without being completely humiliated in the process. And that awareness that I have of the violator mentality behind schepticism as it's so often offered to me, really 

And when this happened with Bruce, I was almost happy, because his screenshots felt like the perfect way for me to express what I was picking up on anyway as a personal process within myself. The thing is, I was struggling at this stage of the story with worrying that if I don't get the job right away, it seems anti-climactic for the outside viewer when they have witnessed things escalating towards it suddenly and quickly. But Bruce just summed it up for me why it's so much more important for me to just process my journey authentically than to let outside perception weigh on me as a burden to that process.

And that realization was so cool because it became one of the defining factors of the Antechamber. I found out through my research that the Antechamber used as a metaphor for a personal life story seems like the perfect moment where outside perception of the story and inside perception begin to part ways. It's such a critical moment right before the King's Chamber, and the reflection within this stage is so intense. The King's Chamber really is something that you would have to personally journey through the whole passage yourself, not just watching it vicariously through someone else, in order to fully appreciate. The quality of reflection within the Antechamber is rushing to become perfectly prepared for what awaits, and the need arrives to put the focus within in order to succeed in the important reflections that should happen there. I love that. I feel there's such a cool buildup in that towards the King's Chamber because it's actually so exciting to imagine that whatever happens there (or much of it) might be so potent and so powerful that it simply cannot be described. So that's when I felt more anticipation than ever, which is defining of the Antechamber. 

And then that's where the "non-performative" idea came up. I mentioned that I wanted the style of the Antechamber to seem non-performative in comparison to before, at least in some styles. Well I really found that potent because I was thinking of Jared Leto as an actor, and connecting deeply with how he as an actor has a performative and non-performative layer to his art. Like in an acting role, there are some things that he does which are simply normal, and any actor just does this. He's taught in school so many things, or if he learned it out of school actually, I'm not sure, but it's standard. Then, there's almost a mid-layer where it's like a mix of performative and non-performative if it's method acting, like where he'll go through really intense practices in order to get into a powerful mode where it's as if there's no separation between him and the role. It's really interesting. But then there's also the non-performative layer to Jared which actually is how in a role, just the fact that it's Jared Leto at all playing that character is so big. So often he gets that chance to be casted because of the fact that his story and his life is soooooooo complimentary to the character. Not just that people will applaud because he's a household name which they recognize from other shows. But because it's incredibly intringuing if you know Jared and you know his world, to connect him with that character, and that can even be the power of the movie, like in Tron : Ares. 

And as you can imagine by now, that whole quality to me speaks so much of vocation. Like, not sure if everyone's had as much confidence as I have in fantasy, but many times I've fantasized about being hired for a job where I don't have to work at all, because all it is is a situation where what I am is already so valuable that it has reached the level where it just seems like I should be paid purely for being myself. And when I thought of that idea, I usually thought "That's considered a lazy way to think of yourself, to behave, and it's disrespectful. I should always make sure that I'm kind to an employer by being willing to apply myself hard". But then I totally reframed that idea and realized, it's quite the opposite. The fact is, applying myself ambitiously and seeking to meet needs where I see them is totally natural to me. I'm incentivized by passion to live a life of integrity to my path. Actually, "applying myself hard" must be redefined within true vocation to just "being myself" considering that, because changing myself to something else which I'm not and working painfully on something which doesn't match me is simply the opposite of true vocation, and there's nothing kind about that to an employer. It's about being authentically passionate and committed, that's all. 

And that's when I really had quite an aha moment about 30STM and even just Jared in his own business, how they are usually accustomed to choosing ideal employees. I realized, that's probably EXACTLY what they are looking for, is the type of person who gets that kind of thing and is about it. And I thought more about this. I realized how much I've meditated on Jared's emphasis on authenticity. As an actor, authenticity is very important to him because not only for acting but for everything, it's the way to connect creatively. In acting, you always do your best job by searching for something that's really there inside you to help you bring the emotions out convincingly, rather than merely trying to stilt yourself to pretend and fabricate those feelings. You just recontextualize what's already genuine inside of yourself, into the new story or character, finding that it transposes together like a metaphor or something. But if like a vocation the role is to play yourself, it's so powerful. It's just stepping into a story now which as you step into it really becomes the true story of your life. 

So those are some very deep thoughts about vocation which I felt had such a perfect connection to this Antechamber stage. Like, it does make me feel so happy about how good the job is going to be, because I can tell it's going to be something that good. And there's more, there's much more reasons why I feel I can see this really is realistic of the band to have those ideas in mind. I guess I won't say everything as some of it is not really to speak of. But there's also my intuition. My intuition has totally been that the job will be something which really respects me for who I am. I've always foreseen this job someday, since long before I imagined it would be with 30STM, as a job I knew would come from my favourite stars (which I call the branch). And knowing that this job would really respect not only what I could do in a role but the incredible contributions I've made without any pay for all these years which is so hard to estimate, and would be so respectful and supportive to my creativity and mental health — I struggled very hard to fathom what exactly that job would be. 

I really couldn't imagine it, because I don't normally think of jobs in that kind of way. Jobs to me have always represented horrible, shallow experiences that are really bad for your mental health and make you feel trapped, and the opposite of yourself. So it was really hard to imagine but I kept trying. I kept on working creatively in private diaries to picture what it would be like. A lot of the time I just joked around with jokes of what it might be, such as a secretary. That was a huge ongoing series of heavy belly laughs with the secretary jokes in my diaries which eventually seemed shockingly significant to the dark side of this story as it's been going with the brujeria and everything. In fact, I suspected that my enemies had surveillance on my diaries and had actually been baited by my jokes to take a certain approach against me wherever this type of opportunity may lie in the branch. Even when I wrote it in my diaries, I was well aware that those enemies would be reading it with like AI surveillance and construing it, so I thought this would be the perfect trick on them. Now, today, I'm well aware that my trick totally worked, and I can't believe it did. 

This is really depressing, but what's been going on with this dark sorcery called brujería from the church which has been specifically trying to break down my ability to get this job (along wiht any financial opportunities of any kind whatsoever too), has been revolving around mysoginistic church evil. Like sexist evil from the church. Like totally, say, you decide to target a poor woman so then you try to remove all her financial opportunities from the community so that she is forced into prostitution. From there, you consider her the lowest of the low as a prostitute and blame her for thew hole thing, and use that to reinforce how it seems like not your fault what you did to her in the first place, as if it's all on her. Then nailing women to the cross and pretending that's morals against prostitution. And my story is, I'm an intimacy counsellor right now which I don't like, which does deal with sexual intimacy, and that has totally been forced by these violators who did through a huge harmful campaign force me into that position in my life.

And now what they're trying about this new job which they don't want for me, is to make it seem like if Jared Leto is hiring no more than a lowly whore if he does hire me, meaning this makes him look like a John trying to cover up the fact that all he's really intending to buy from me is sex actually which he'll consider as owed since the job's so good, I don't have to really do anything but by myself to do it (but they think that's like I'm lazy and not working so I owe him now). And they've been abusing me so horribly in the situation at my work with this big huge agenda to try to put me down as a whore, not as a true healer. Like they just cling to the idea that no matter how untrue that is, they can fabricate this idea that I'm a lowly whore, and my whole head is just in that kind of a headspace, so that's the only real reason why I have this sense of expectaiton from the band to be treated so well like this is such an actual respect of a true vocation. You know, their evil view on it is that a "whore mentality" is "You just give me money for nothing or sure, sex, cause I'm a disaster and I just can't function."

That's what's happening more recently that I see, and that's how I know my tricks in the diaries totally worked. The brujeria was even trying to trick me to think that I should style myself out like Jared's assistant Jnana so that I could appeal more to him sexually, and this became a huge public fight which was documented. I was so finally outraged by how they were stopping my art of self-portrait work online and making me take it down and then start conforming to this other model of how to style myself out. I was so angry about this that that's when I exposed it publicly what they were doing, cause I had no choice, in order to be accountable for the fact that they had forced me to take down my art which I'm accountable for in public. That whole thing was because of my secretary jokes. 

I was joking around in the diaries about the idea of being a sexy secretary. The thing is, one time at my work as an intimacy counsellor, I met this guy who told me that a secretary at his work had offered to trade sex after work for a very low price, to the various men who worked there, and he was in a relationship with her after work for so many years. And he's the type of guy who can't easily get a date, cause he doesn't look that good unfortunately, so he was in love with her. And I realized, it was probably about the same with all the men who worked at the office, and she was probably the splash of the whole office every day haha. I thought it must have been so bubbly the way that all those coworkers treated her, never expecting her to do an outstanding job as a secretary at all, since realistically that was the last thing on anyone's mind very often. Now that's job security (lol). 

And so in my diaries, I joked around at great length over long series of many different kinds of jokes about this idea of the fantasy. I imagined Dita Von Teese's amazing vintage outfits, like suit dresses with all the fancy broaches and stuff, every detail so perfect. I thought it was funny to imagine working as a secretary, but you look as business glam as even Dita would (lol). And your job is practically just to be beautiful. People would want to take photoshoots of you at the office. You would be electric (lol). Frankly, who wouldn't want to be a superstar like Dita in any role or job they'd have? But of course I was more than aware of the idea that sexual exploitation and failure to have respect for a person on the level of who they really are truly is wrong. Like just that whole view that the woman's role is to provide sex or whatever else like that, that's obviously degrading. If that's what it takes to make men behave respectfully, that's obviously a shame. It's a horrible lie to believe that every man is really degrading and exploitative as if that's masculinity. That's a cruel, abusive thing to say about masculinity. Someone like Jared, and Dita, they are both very empowered human beings that can function, and they are fully conscious of what it is to be a star (someone who is respected for who they are not for putting out) and therefore treat others with the same respect. 

And at this stage of my life in the diaries, I had no inkling that the job would be with 30STM, and that's good. Cause that's a horrible thought in my mind to think of Jared as exploitative or sexist or mysogynistic. I hate that picture. It's not true. So that would not have been funny diary writing if this almost felt like an allegation against someone I respect. It was abstract just as a joke about whoever would hire me to whatever role. 

So with their brujeria when they tried to style me like Jared's assistant Jnana, I can't tell you just how interesting that was considering the secretary thing. An assistant really is a similar role to a secretary. It seems they got that idea from my diaries and they expose that they have been on surveillance, which is illegal. I really do assume that Jared and Jnana are not together too, by the way. In fact, quite the opposite. Jnana's significance to me is not about drama like that. I have some very very important art that I could do sometime about Jared Leto, with regards to the assistants of stars and stories of how they've been motivated and behaved, in connection to John Lennon. In the Timeline ://A\\rc)}’Hi\\V//e: it mentions during the Descending Passage stage that I had sought after an important piece of art to do about Jared, to do with Lennon and one day I'm sure it's meant to be. Well Lennon's assistant is definitely a key in unlocking this piece, I think. There's a story of what happened with his assistant stealing his diaries which ties in quite well with other stars and their assistants. But I still need to unlock this. 

The way I strategized this, it works out perfectly if my enemies would try to interfere with that art piece. That one's been on the back burner for so long but actually represents a huge value. An enormous one. It's affordable for now to throw it out to the dogs but when they mess with me on this, they're messing with important things, so that makes the situation very serious. But also, they would never guess that it was something not to mess with due to that, because it has been on the back-burner. So let them dirty up that whole creative process and make it negative for me to even think of Jnana, make her practically symbolic of my pain right now so that I can't enjoy being artistic about her. Because that will get them into big trouble. Besides also, the type of allegations they insinuate against Jared for how you'd suppose he treats Jnana is so offensive I can't even begin to express, as I feel you may understand by this writing, and this certainly angers Jared and Jnana. Which is good. I want them of course, completely alarmed against my enemies if they are dangerous to me. 

But anyway, in conclusion, the reason I told this story was originally just to explain why it was hard for me for so many years to picture this future job and understand it. And there's no doubt, that got in the way of manifestation. No question about it. That's just logical. But the situation was, I had no choice but to focus no baiting my enemies. Letting it be seen in my diaries what exactly these future opportunities would be like, and what it would be about would give them ideas of how to interfere with it in the longterm, making their attacks more serious. So instead, of course, I had no choice but to trick them. Now, I was aware that this was a trick on them, but unfortunately the involvement with that practice clouded my thinking from transcending those kinds of illusions in my jokes. Also, I think it's intuitive for me on a deep level not to think of it at that time, because my diaries are supposed to be honest. I am fine with knowing that it's a trick, but that's honest. If I thought beyond the trick, I would also honestly say that in my diary writing. 

These days I do try to lean away from diary writing as much because it's so offensive just knowing they are reading it. But anyway, it's just a part of my life, and as you can see, it's handy. To be able to trick them is a really helpful skill. And of course reflective journalling really is nice. But it feels like a waste of time or a drain sometimes because of them. But I must say, the jokes were funny and I am so happy that my iconic old jokes came out to be that much more funny now that you know what they really mean and hint at — the real beautiful truth of how people can honour themselves and each other genuinely and ethically through vocation and how that's the iconic quality that makes them a star. 

So this has been long, and that's on purpose cause this is the Antechamber and it's not as performative. Here you have an example of non-performative writing. I respect that. Now you can see the kinds of reasons why 30STM might want me as a consultant. It's less about that polished exterior, as much as that is most excellent and very much a part of it. It's about the iceberg beneath the tip. The pyramid beneath the capstone which makes the capstone so important and meaningful there. It's teachings like this in public writing which really show my true colors because they are unapologetically myself. Jared and 30STM are all about that. They don't need to be intellectually catered to really, because they prefer and really crave the deeper level of art and humanity. And in my case it's the  highest quality. If they actually read this far, they will have been presented with challenges. To have to think of what a horrible thing has happened to me is so painful. But they are so strong because they love the wisdom that can only come through honesty in a case like this. That's the type of positive people they are, unlike Bruce MacMillan.