I used to have a couple articles up with my ramblings about relationships and dating and stuff like that, and I've decided to abandon the old ones and start a new one. I admit, the reason why I created the first one which was something like "old fashioned values about dating before sex" was because of this one negative encounter with this dear friend of mine. It was an amazing story because he's a dear old friend of mine (who we have some epic history together to the oldest days) and I do have immense respect for him, and he's exceedingly intelligent, really deep into the same bands as me — and I mean definitely someone who we understand each other on some extremely deep levels (plus a very cool dude) — but in the end I really had an issue with the way that he behaved with me.
Well what happened was, I went over to celebrate his birthday with just him at his place, and I brought a cake and a present and a card, and I thought this was normal if someone has no birthday fest that a friend should, but I guess he took that the wrong way, and he was just ALL OVER ME physically like the entire night and just wasn't listening properly to my signals and went too far. Cause I was not giving signals that this was turning me on.
And considering his interests in heavy metal and stuff, I took this as basically a stunt. But as a misbehaving stunt with me he basically treated me like he somehow just assumes I'm some kind of a slut. And I consider that a bit of a gimmick of his but I found it quite offensive. I mean we had been out of touch for years but we alway pick back up where we left off and usually have magical encounters running into each other at key moments like at least once a year. But just the way he treated me was coming out of nowhere or something. And so this got me onto the track that I want to clarify for men finding an interest in me that I'm not a fucking SLUT and I'm not to be treated like I have no discernment or filters.
Anyway, I forgave this person but it was on his side of things to keep it just awkward between us now that I've confronted him (lol). And regardless of him, this is what compelled me to put it out there just so guys know that just because I'm a lingerie model doesn't mean that I would jump into bed with someone on the first date. And the way I kinda say it, it's like let's just say I'm not a stupid 19 year old anymore, is why that is. You know (lol) I'm now 43 years old and I'm not at all embarrassed of my age — I'm very proud actually to have learned a few things in life by now. If you know you know (lol). People who are my age or older know what I'm saying — it's totally something to be proud of. Or should be at least (lol) — pretty much.
Well anyway, so what happened was, I then went ahead and wrote something else later about my views on polyamory. I found it incredibly enjoyable to write all this out. Speaking of polyamory, I was saying some things there about how I have read books on the subject and I can't say that I fall into these exact models of like how it's supposed to be done as such a practice. I mean it's an incredibly complex topic. Obviously, communication and relating ethically and respectfully towards others and being considerate is an incredible artform. It's almost so vast I couldn't possibly sum it up but I played around with a few ideas, just the things that mean the most to me — like that I hate the whole idea of break ups, and I like the idea that you could have a relationship in which somehow the entire model is founded on this whole idea that it would be actually impossible to break up. Like theoretically a relationship where it actually doesn't matter if you have sex or not.
But anyway, as I said in that previous article, it's obvious that my views will continue to of course evolve and shift however as my experiences and process shape my emotional and psychological development. And that kinda goes without saying I guess but it's just like, you know, I really don't feel that static necessarily in all my opinions and models.
But actually, the reason why I'm deleting these previous articles and writing a new one is because I was asked out by this one guy. Now, this is not at all like I'm actually saying I'm taken and that's it, I'm so with this guy now — quite the opposite (lol). I literally don't have the first fucking clue what will happen ith this. But the thing was, this was an incredibly engaging offer, because I was SHOCKED to be asked out by this guy who is perhaps the most attractive guy I've even connected with online (lol). We know each other in person too, but it's just like, of all my contacts online, it's just this ridiculously unbeilevably attractive guy like to the most extreme — so as to FULLY SHOCK ME that I was asked out (lol). To me that just hit me as practically BEYOND UNBELIEVABLE. You see his photos and it's so epic how much you'd be like WHOAAAA.
And my God is he ever not the only attractive guy I'm good close friends with actually, I'm also really close friends with this one SUPER GOOD LOOKING ACTOR, and so sensitive and cool and really into acting as such a deep artform (and he's in acting school), and he's a kickboxing fighting exercise health trainer and totally BUFF!!!! like hyper hot, and he's the nicest fucking dude you'll ever meet (lol). But with that guy it was like more just about being really close friends and always having a crush and it being no big deal yet beautiful forever as practically whimsically no big deal (lol). Like I'm saying that always felt like the most chill relationship of all time as friends. It's a cute crush, but you'd never believe it, but actually it really felt like no big deal. I'd say that's a type of magic of his. It's just, he's a unique person in that way.
But anyway, just communicating with this one person who asked me out — we'll see how it goes but he's a very conscious individual, and I'm trusting the relationship will develop at least into some kind of a professional contact, because he's a math teacher for special needs and I think he might be able to integrate The 64 CARDS into his classroom settings, so I hope it might be promising in that direction. At least that, but anyway, he's in an open relationship for 11 years now with his totally in love partner, and I was amazed that that's very compatible with me cause I just don't feel that comfortable with becoming a guy's whole world that he needs me so bad he has to text me like constantly and just take up all my fucking time and energy and put so much pressure on me, you know?!
But speaking to that, that's way more where my head is honestly at right now. I'm just coming out from a long time being sick, and coming out of my cocoon, really busy looking at the possibility of changing careers right now as I'm considering a consultancy ..... at the same time TOTALLY OVERWHELMED with the amount of wonderful work in the arts which means so very much to me at UNITY LIFE Mystery School which I'm ready to buckle down and spend all my time creating .......... and just seriously I have so much to do on The 7 of 9 in celebration of Jared Leto and Marilyn Manson's recent birthdays and a huge overhaul to the website in celebration of Kurt Cobain's recent birthday. And it's not like I've actually bitten off more than I can chew just in my own judgement of myself and my abiltiies — but almost, if I don't buckle down and shift gears and focus SO MUCH.
So actually to be more honest, just in terms of creativity and focus and my life, I would almost turn down this new guy for this date. I just kinda don't even feel like it. I'm so busy. But I can't turn him down, it's too good — it looks to have so much potential — I should check it out. I'm going to be too weirded out why I turned him down if I do and I don't at least find out for myself what the potential is. Actually I've experienced regret in the past for turning down proposals from some kings that I must say I later knew I was wrong to say no (lol). It's actually such a wound.
My friend Shaun Sommerville, he's married in an open marriage for so many years : Earlier when they were more newly weds he wanted a relationship with me, and I can't fucking believe I turned him down just because Delvin Solkinson wanted to have sex with me then. It was the biggest mistake of my fucking life basically and I hate Delvin so fucking much (lololol). OH MY GOD, he is totally my arch fucking enemy, there's no one I hate more than him (lol). I can't fucking believe it, when Shaun is sooooooooooo sooooooooooo AWESOME and hot and nice and smart and sensitive and the best guy in the world (lol). I can't say enough what a great catch Shaun is (lol). That's a WOUND. That was a MISTAKE. But I have been working on healing that wound slowly (lol).
Actually I should be real about it. It's no big deal with Shaun. I really really care about humans in a way that's not attached to it being a sexual thing if that's not the reality. But I'll tell you how Shaun is right now : He's so successful in polyamory and so in love with so many, that he doesn't have TIME to get with me (lol). You know, cause at one point I realized I was interested in him again but simply, it was so obvious that he doesn't have time (lol). And that's almost how I feel like I am almost right now, except that I do believe in it with accepting the date with this new guy.
So I must say, I'm very honoured to have been asked out, and yet I'm overwhelmed in general and that's why I'm deleting my previous article about relationships. It's because I don't want it to seem like I'm putting it out there and trying to be just open and interested in dating just with any old guy who just sees my post (lol). I shouldn't advertise myself online in posts as being all available or something like that. Or else I'm going to be just completely buried in big giant piles of prince charmings all totally blowing me away with way more than I can process (lol). Somedays flattery is not everything and it's not all about just being so honoured (lol).
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