Here are a couple of selfies which I worked on based on recent studies for an intermedia process piece to do with my lingerie modelling. The first in flattering light with fresh makeup — and the second, unflattering light with worn makeup. When I removed my glasses from my look, I had a massive shift to my perception, and I've found this to be symbolic of the eyes and human vision — just as the glasses were symbolic of my visual search for the truth of the nature of reality, when I find it does not appear clearly for me. Removing the glasses has been so symbolic, as a real life perceptual experience. Once they were removed from my pictures, I noticed that the real life version of my face is incredibly — so exceedingly — sooooo much more beautiful than any photo. I really am very beautiful, but I can't believe it now with my new hair — I'm now a show storefront model (lol). I felt my image was fully butchered by any picture, AND butchered TF by any face filter I could find. Nothing could measure up and it was very psychologically disturbing for me, but I was hopeful. I decided to study and resolve this as an art piece. With study, I made the decision to modify my photos to resemble as close to what my eyes see in that kind of lighting and makeup as possible.
The first image you see above is a little more powdered than it really looks. I do have a bit more pleasant shine to my skin. Also, I admit, my teeth could use a whitening and I think it's OK that the filter whitened my teeth, cause it's just until I have the money for that, and shouldn't be shown. Other than that though, that photo is how my eyes see my face. Now, the second one — I admit when my makeup is wearing off things can get a bit brutal. But frankly, I'm impressed with how good I can still look sometimes even when probably the type of foundation I use isn't really best for aging skin. You know, it's too thick. The worst is when it comes off in patches. I should be using a concealer and thinner foundation I guess. I'm slow changing my foundation brand. But again, some nights I feel like I'm really getting away with it. I even look good when my eye makeup is all black and smudging down like a freaked TF horrorshow goth girl (lol). I mean I am goth, so maybe that's why I dn't mind that if it's not on purpose how I do my makeup (lol). But I'm getting away from the point : Also there is lighting. Obviously some lighting is unflattering and that's why I don't use a flash on my selfies. Well this time I used a flash too, just to be as brutal as possible and see if I could fix it. And I loved how the flash brought out my exensions and rings, but that's not natural. But yeah as you can see that turned out way more powdered looking than it was, but at least I kinda got it to about what I looked like to me other than the wide angle lens warping my facial feature sizes. However, that's way more what my lips really look like.
Speaking of lips, when I did this study of photos compared to my real face, analysing every detail carefully, I noticed my lips looked horribly thin in photos compared to the reality. I thought of how I love when they add that botoxed lip shape on the girly filters. I would like lip botox, but then again now that I've studied all this and checked in with ChatGPT, I realize the only reason I've wanted it is for photos. But now that I've studied my lips more this way, I've realized that using a much more moisturizing lip coloring and going to great effort to dry and solifiy it with a fan is worth the effort, cause dry lips combined with increasing their size with lip liner or whatever really is ugly. And now I started putting on the lipstick way further into way bigger lips (lol). I'm going CRAZY now but it's normal, all my girlfriends who are models do this. And that's just something I knew for a long time I wanted to figure out — how to make my lips look all lush and smooth. And I think that's a learning experience but it shoudn't be admitted on photos that it's that dry looking I think, if I'm serious about producing something that looks glam. And I'm being gentle on myself here, I'm not a military captain against myself for having things like dry lips. I'm just slowly upgrading my glam levels in my FLOW. Anyway, so here's the research I did with ChatGPT that taught me why my lips look so thin in photos :
So here's the thing : I'm starting to realize that things like botox and face lifts and hyper obsession with makeup are all only because of flaws in the ways that the camera picks up a face compared to the human eye. I think if stars who do that weren't providing us with glorious photos to be entertained by all the time, we would think in person how they look is overdone. We don't call these stars who invest into plastic surgery and botox overdone — we understand that this always hits so well in red carpet photos and whatever. But in person, I think it would be normal to think they're overdoing it by how miraculous they look face to face compared to a normal person if it weren''t for this. It would be like "What's your insecurity about?".
About this, this idea all came to me when I did some research as well on ChatGPT and was taught that the human eye is much better technology than cameras. This was the most fascinating little piece of work and really inspired my intermedia process here. I decided I thought the girly filters were overdoing my eyes more than I like. I realized that they are adding false eyelashes even when I didn't bother to wear any that day. In fact, I would wear false eyelashes, but I'm brand loyal to Lashify because Dita Von Teese recommends it, but it takes like 4 hours to put those on, so I only do it for a special occasion and that's my reason. I'm not that attached to being strictly brand loyal to Lashify if I'd like to change brands, but it's true they are a better brand, so what can I say?
Actually I don't mind losing the overdone eyes from those filters at all, I do prefer my nice eyes. And realizing that through this study gave me the aha moment to understand that this is symbolic perception happening to me when I lost the glasses. I let go of my glasses and now it's symbolic that I'm noticing with my eyes that I prefer my natural eyes. So in the first picture above, I used a girly filter as a layer on top of the original photo, and then erased that part with the overdone eyes, leaving my natural eyes. Then, I felt honestly, the way it smoothed out my skin by the filter was bringing it to just about what it really looks in person. I do struggle with acne but thankfully that isn't showing up like at all when my makeup is fresh. If you look so closely you can see some dry skin accumulating around an acne point but you would never look closely like with a fucking microscope or some shit (lol). Anyway, here's the research from ChatGPT on the eyes :
Now a lot of people have their bitchy attitudes about it with the fact that I use an AI filter in all my photos normally. And we all know all about that. In our modern times, that's called cat fishing. Well don't get me fucking started how much I resent that bullshit. They think I'm fishing for them? They can DREAM THE FUCK ON, bitches can SHUT UP. They want to go on and on and on that it's my insecurity to use that filter as if pretending to be so nice about this. Well who told them they have a right to comment? NOT ME. Yeah sure, it's jarring when a photo doesn't look good of me. Yeah sure, 20 somethings don't need filters and old girls like me do. But these losers can get a fucking LIFE if they think that I'm cat fishing, as in fishing for THEM. Fuck them and their fishing. FUCK THEM and their predatory mindset. They are PRETENDING to be concerned about my self-esteem. Those kinds of fucks should stay away from me.
But getting on though to the real people. Aside from those losers, sure — I understand that a real friend might worry about me if they themselves have had the struggle with self-doubt and the filters not working and looking even worse. Maybe they worry that I'm too assured that you should look good in your photos. That's a wrong belief to hold in my opinion if you don't feel emotionally comfortable with your photos. If you don't like your photos, be honest with yourself and love yourself in that. Don't play games like "I shouldn't care, everyone thinks I'm so insecure if I try harder".
Now, I have some very cool friends who don't care if they look good in their photos for real, cause they really are that strong in themselves. That shows less sexual trauma in women I think, as long as they truly are comfortable and confident with their photos — but that's just a generalization. Oh and just to explain what I mean by sexual trauma, I just mean that sexual trauma makes you think your only value is in shallow things like shallow types of appeal and you couldn't be loved for who you are. And stuff like that, it goes on an on — often comes into phsyical appearance. But in my case, I don't think it's trauma at all why I have used filters. The desire to look good on my photos is associated with the arts for me. I haven't always been that serious about modelling, but I have always just been a very visually focused person, as a visual artist. Some people have more visual psychology than others. Some people need to see in order to feel.
So here's more ChatGPT research I did which REALLY helped me. I love the idea I had to ask him about why it freaks me out so deep to see a selfie I just took come out mirrored because it doesn't have auto-mirror on the selfie settings :
I love that piece. That's a piece that for me really says a lot about how it's wrong to care when someone ELSE thinks you look good to THEM, when you don't think so. I think that encapsulates it. Their perception is not seeing the same way as your perception. They think they can say to you "Come on, you look great to me", and that should matter — but it doesn't if their entire brain processing is so completely unique and original becuase they are a complex biological life form who is not you. You're the one who has to emotionally deal with your own looks, not them. For them it's not their job. For you it's your responsibility and you will have no way out of that. Through this research, I realized that a human being never sees themselves except in the mirror. Photos of yourself are not real life — how you really look to the eyes — as much as a mirror is.
This is even more "sacred" to me now that I use a mirror for my lingerie modelling. It's not just for convenience. It's an expression of arts very genuinely. And I love that movie title "scared sacred", because that's right — to flip it the other way scares me. Nothing scares me more sometimes than assholes who think they have a right to tell me how to do my makeup as to what they would prefer. I see them as rapist minded, because I think that they have the imagination that they own me. "You don't NEED makeup. You shouldn't be wearing so much makeup". This is a compliment?! It's admitting you don't respect me enough to think I can do myself up for myself.
I'm an adult. I'm capable of dressing myself, making myself nice for the day, and caring for my hair etc. I don't fucking need some asshole treating me like a retard who can't choose my own clothes or my own facial looks etc (lol). It's as if they think I am cerebral palsy and need some kind of maid to dress me in the morning. I don't like to call real cerebral palsy "retard" that's wrong language. I use the term "all abilities". But I think it's a good joke term to use. I call those assholes a retard when they disrespect me, and I joke that it's as if they think I'm the retard (lol). When it's obviously THEM (lol). See, it's retards only who haven't been respectful of my heavy use of filters all these years. But if my new photo style upgrade for my modelling based on this intermedia process piece will trick them to think no filter was used at all because I remove the filter off my eyes, all the fuckin better. Fuck them. So the retards are tricked in their retarded idea of what being tricked is. It won't be the first time (lol).
So anyway, all this photoshopping and face filter jobs to make my selfies look how I really look to my eyes has made me realize I won't have time to do the full workup to my photos when I'm lingerie modelling. It's much faster and easier to just take the photo, make a few small adjustments, and move on with my fuckin day (lol). My life is too busy to put too much time into it. But I've decided based on this study that when I'm doing body shots, the important thing is to use a filter that does NOTHING but smooth my skin. The camera (and sometimes the lighting depending on time of day) is creating skin unneveness and dramatic cheek lines and gargoyle looks that are NOT REALLY THERE. Unfortunately it also makes any fat on my body look like much more of a lump too than it really looks. But skin smoothing on the face will have to be enough.
As for warping the shape of my body, I do find that still photographs are much more unforgiving about fat than videos, but even something weird is going on there. I do have weird experiences too. With my body it's a little different than my face. For the body, I find freaky things are going on like for example, the particular type of lingerie "just makes me look fat" seems disproportionate from reality, but if I change the outfit, that goes away. And on another day that same outfit is not doing that thing, and besides, I looked thinner that day to my eyes.
I'm trying to lose weight by working out now instead of dieting, because I realized I fucked my metabolism by dieting before and this was totally by accident from not researching properly. I'm having trouble managing my weight now that I understand I cannot really diet and continue to expand my metabolism (although working out a lot should work when I can get back to my normal level of walking after being sick). But I find that I can get the magic somedays and look thin in photos anyway, even if I've been "fat" just in comparison to what I'm used to. Regardless, I don't think I should feel dishonest for warping the shape of my body in photos. I'm quite thin. I've been underweight before, I was only 108 lbs. I loved that best. Now I'm at the lowest healthy weight for my BMI, 125, and I don't like that at all, although I believe it's a nice thin weight, generally speaking. I'd rather weigh like 105 or even less — I'd have to see how it looks when I reach that stage. But if I had a surgery to tighten my skin on my body I think then I would be totally fine with weighing 125. I only want to be exceedingly skinny because my skin is loose now due to having been overweight previously. I don't think it's due to aging, but having expanded in size.
That surgery, I've heard it's $10,000 and it's VERY VERY PAINFUL to recover from. But I'd like that in my huge long list of surgeries I'd like someday if I could afford anything. I have the dream of becoming famous someday. If I was famous, it would always be the wrong pictures. Every camera at every bad lighting would be taking and publicizing pictures of me against my wishes. Or it would be conflicted wishes. I'd wish to make appearances and be photographed if it was a good reason, but be afraid to by my looks in the camera's eye. So I'll need to become one of those "overdone" types with everything done to make sure I look good even on camera. It's just that it's hard to say I could afford it. A nose job has been my dream since I was a teenager, as have braces since I was a child, but I've never been able to afford it. My dream is to someday be wealthy in that level. Who doesn't wish? If I was, I'd always say that you shouldn't feel bad about your looks just because you don't look like you've had thousnads and THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars worth of plastic surgery done on you (lol).
I remember the lady at the London Drugs makeup department. She was teaching me how to moisturize. I said to her about some kinds of looks and she said ANGRILY - That's BOTOX !!!!! </3. By that she meant evil. She felt that botox is truly an evil and you shouldn't be caught dead using it. Well I loved that nice lady, but I don't believe that it equals enforcing a beauty standard onto others just to invest in your own looks. And I don't think she believes that necessarily but I'm just saying. Just because people get a rough idea of an unattainable ideal or standard doesn't mean that was a crime committed just by a person who invested in themselves and was lucky enough to be able to do so. Each individual is responsible for how they process imagery and expectations on themselves. When they say that stars on the red carpet have forced a real beauty standard against the impoverished, that's a lie and a false allegation. It's not a person's fault if others are considering them unattractive, if they can't afford to be more attractive, but it's not right to project onto the stars that they have caused that problem if they weren't the ones doing it.
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