A VERY DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE

I'll tell you what's really going on. Sure, it's obvious enough that I'm a sex worker to everyone. I know, being a true healer and an intimacy counsellor is true but seems like a lie to anyone if they know what I'm doing basically ... at my business that I strangely say nothing about the website newunity.net )) And if you do see that website you'll get that it's truly as a healer and an intimacy "counsellor" although I admit the counsellor thing is more a symbolic term that is merely representative just of healing in larger levels. And using that term stems from an early joke of mine where initially when starting the business with everyone asking me what it is in my life, I kept saying simply "I'm a counsellor" to which it was hilarious just how unbelievable that seemed that I would succeed at that role, considering I had been homeless for 4 years then (lol). And I thought that was a funny joke though, because though oppressed by conditions of society, I truly was a master healer and really would be the ideal person to be a well paid real counsellor but that's actually a joke, because of how fucked up our society is (lol). Obviously not because of me. And that's what I feel went down with my friends when I told them that — they totally got the joke. My one friend said "At least you're not a snake oil salesman like some of these bitch loser so-called "healers" in the community (lol).

Anyway — that information about what I do has been off limits because it's adult information, and adults ARE CHILDREN. I mean this post will definitely have to be deleted at some point for my safety from these dangerous children. It's really the adults who are not up to speed. Mature audiences — believe me any age can be the issue. I understand from long years of experience what the consequences are to being open about what I do. The stigma is insane. And if any Americans are reading this, please know it's not criminally liable for the seller here in Canada, so it's not like I'm being that reckless. And just also to defend my character too, just know that I haven't always done this at all times —it's been 4-6 years on, 4-6 years off usually as a pattern cycle, with other times doing graphic design and stuff, art and healing etc and whatever small jobs and being pretty broke. Also one more thing : I never offer this kind of thing to ANYONE I know personally on any level already. It has to be someone I don't have the least connection to. So I'm not that type of hooker in the community. I'm definitely the last person you need to worry is going to steal your boyfriend, but much more — I'm incredibly concerned with anyone I'm close to that they shouldn't break the law. I don't like to feel I've been part of helping people break the law. If guys are already in that position looking for a girl where it's found normally in the ads (which are expensive by the way), I'm a great harm reduction in that space, but I'm not otherwise interested.

But anyway, guess it's no surprise that eventually I had to come out with this in public, just to cry for help more clearly. And the stigma is not even the issue today that I'm here to cry for help about. The HUGE mental health crisis right now for me is that I'm in SUCH a double bind right now. Because in the past, I've always just gotten sick of doing this after about 4 years or sometimes a little longer whatever, it's only one time it was 6 years I think. But right now I cannot process that because the last time I dropped out of doing this, I was homeless for 4 years which left a deep, deep wound for me. 

If anything has traumatized me, it was the experience of being homeless. I remember the last 6 months before I started this business how it was going. We had bed bugs at the place that we couldn't get rid of. I was living in my Dad's shed without proper facilities and cramped around his tiny little trailer at a trailer park where he was hiding me from the neighbours because the bipolar trailer park trash manager didn't like me from the second she saw my face and banned me from the trailer park. So it was secret that I was there and therefore I wasn't allowed to go out into the outdoors to be seen or else I'd be kicked out. So to go to the food bank I had to shuttle out in total secret at like say 4am when no one was looking and then wait it out in the freezing cold until it would open. Anyway, the shed and whole place got bed bugs and we had to get it treated like 5 times over and over, which is the most stressful experience ever to even do it once, but it kept not working. We finally realized probably the shed needed me moved out in order to renovate it enough to get them sealed from cracks going deep into the walls and insulation. I had nowhere to go. I am very honest that I actually did feel that my spiritual journey about sexuality was coming up in such a way in my internal meditative space so that I did actually feel emotionally and spiritually ready for the change. But let's just say that was a miracle, cause otherwise that would have been much more tragic just how forced I was into it by poverty. 

Now, I'm not incapable of functioning, but I seriously have issues with it in cases like normal job hunts or of course, working under a boss who's whipping my ass through a training with every intention of firing me regardless of how I perform, cause she's lied to me already and already had it planned to just use me for a while due to short staff, and stuff like that. That being just one example of the types of job scenarios I'm used to in cases like "Just get a job then like everyone else, Ba". I'm NOT confident in my ability to join the regular work force. It's not just that my bachelor's isn't realistically enough, it's that there's something wrong and unhireable about you every time if you are actually desperate for the job and obviously don't really want that job, in this economy. And I must say, the crisis I'm going through stems from the fact that I'm REALLY struggling right now to make enough money — AS A SEX WORKER. I joke around with my friends at work all the time about how you really know the economy is FUCKED right now if the sex workers are struggling financially at all (lol). Cause traditionally it was always sex workers that weren't struggling financially. You know, they always act like it's a scary rush to the rent day, but in reality they could make the rent in a week no problem, and all that happened is that they were losing their sensibilities to be in any true rush so now it's in 3 days they have to make the rent. Poor babies, and all the best to them haha. But typically that's all it's been. For me and for them all. For me I used t be able to make the rent in a week. And I know that generalization counts for the fat ones and the ugly ones too — there's someone for everyone out there. I'm telling you, I seem to make less money the more sexy and pro looking my photos get. Not sure if that's why but I think I intimidate insecure guys really hard, and no guy is more insecure than one who needs a sex worker. 

Who fucking knows what it is these days for me in money. Is it really the economy? Is it that I look too hot? Cause I look WAY TF hotter than I used to, I'll sure tell you that. Or is it because I'm so much more mature as I age and so much more uptight about my screening process now. Cause I do screen like a motherfucking HARDCORE PRO. Like check out my screening form on newunity.net and you'll see, it's Lord Jesus Christ landed from outer space with aliens just how high quality that is compared to ANYTHING you could imagine out there. That screening form and my procedures are LORD GOD quality for screening. But am I screening out too many fucking retards and assholes, you know? I'm telling you they are FUCKING RETARDS (lol). I feel guilty if their guardians found out that I even talked to them at all (lol). I bet they are in total mental care (lol). And children — just 21 years old on an evil mission to act like the biggest loser somewhere they can get out their aggression. Racist fucks too. I remember I never used to screen back in my 20's. I just channelled Archangel Michael and randomly rejected anyone for no good reason at all just anytime, acting like a weirdo just randomly not caring, but that's cool too. Whatever my consent. But is that what was working for me financially back then? I sure know today I make a lot less money, and it's obvious that it's not my age cause I'm WAY hotter than back then. Sometimes I worry that it's my age in the sense just of maturity and empowerment, just that it intimidates guys that I'm so openly hyper-intelligent and on fire quality. But maybe it's just the economy. 

I'll be honest what I really think it is. I have always known it was some kind of organized scams. I know there are organized scams totally fucking around with me at work. I think they have a way to shut down my phone lines and redirect it to their abusive AI bots. Sometimes it happens that all the good guys disappear for weeks for some strange reason, and all I get is the same exact story again and again as a totally abusive pattern. For example one day it's all "I only have $100 — how about it?", and next thing "Come on, won't you do a 15 minute session?". This is over and over the exact same thing. It's just hyper-harassment. But it's not just that, just things that make it look like the economy is just dying right now. It's things that hurt so much that it's hard to talk about. Just listen to me and trust me — huge patterns of obvious similar abusive texts of the exact same kind, the kind always changing from cycle to cycle, looking like a coded hinty repetitive message from haters trying hard to freak me out as much as they can, showing me they are on surveillance and watching me, that are co-ordinating this. And why does it clear? Why does it go away miraculously again now and then? I have my theories on what's stopping it from time to time, but those theories aren't gonna save me now. Just a hope and a prayer isn't enough. Frankly, it's just that this cycle even keeps continuing that I keep going into these downward spiral with no work right when I need it and then getting so stressed about that, feeling like such a personal failure if I haven't done more to be optimized to get work here, and cutting myself off from socializing so that I can be chained at home to being on call constantly to endure this bullshit.  

Right now, I'm at such a breaking point. It's been 4 and a half years that I've been doing this, and I'm really starting to feel it on a deeper level that the joys of friendship — true friends — that I find in the guys who pass my screening and turn out to be all that (which my screening works — they are all princes) really isn't enough to keep me going emotionally here. I mean now I'm not saying I haven't had some disaster guys come in, but it is exceedingly rare. But yeah sure, I've been traumatized by a few fucks that actually made it in. Like this one guy with BPD, I cannot even tell you just how harsh that was a couple years ago. I was so traumatized by the way he acted in my home. Another guy had a huge panic disorder and the second he came in the door he started having a massive panic attack and demanding to cancel, acting like somehow I had caused the issue. And another guy I remember he started hugely debating with me if my service was acceptable or not. But anyway that is exceedingly rare actually that I'd have any problem, but yeah the reality is that those rare cases will always happen occasionally, even with a screening as good as mine, because some types of mental illness are the kind so bad that the guy can totally function through a screening process like magic but then he'll transform. But normally I can so easily tell what's up with guys. 

That's not even what's bothering me right now. The one fucking thing that's bothering me the most is the lack of reward. I'm a powerful warrior. I could probably handle the hardcore if I was getting paid well enough, for another good couple years. That's about why I probably lasted the whole 6 years that one time. I used to really rake it in. But at this job I remember I started out in 2021 making like a good easy $10,000 a month with little effort, and now I'm down to $4000 if I'm lucky — and really I'm not even that lucky. I was $1000 in the hole for basic groceries and bills and shit like that on the 1st, once I had my rent paid. It's the 4th now and I don't have many more bills left before I'm in a better place, but oh just forget about trying to get the rent now. It's like there's not a chance I'll be able to save for the rent until way later with everything coming up, and the shit situation when I don't get work. And I'm stressed beyond belief, but I know very well that being in a better state psychologically in my own wellbeing is what makes me a better healer for others, and way more healthy for people to be attracted to right now. And I appreciate princes who get off on the idea of saving a damsel. That's really cool. But fuck being a damsel in distress !!!! I want to be there for other people and help them, as the strong one. The damsel in distress bit, I really do that one up sometimes for guys to make them realize that they are truly wanted and needed here, more on a very real emotional level to actually not just primp up the wallet but actually save a worthy human being right now. And I think that's a good healthy part sometimes in realizing the depth of things normally taken as a shallow level of desire to connect. But the thing I hate it when it's not just a skit that I'm doing, it's very very honestly in fear in my life and not feeling emotionally grounded. At least not in my private truth. 

The bottom line is that I really really worry a lot that I'm not going to make the rent, and the issue too is very serious that if I don't, or even if I do, it's such a double bind. If I don't, I face threat of homelessness, because I really don't think I'm very employable. At ALL. Other than a special job tuned to my skills of course, but that's a fairy tale. Then if I do make the rent (which I guess I will cause it's felt like a miracle every time but has always happened), I'm stuck going through this cycle again and again now. The problem is, I was sick for like 5 or 6 weeks last month. Just desperately ill. One thing after another. And as a result, I fell behind in my usual technique of getting the rent paid a month early each month. So now I'm facing the fact that it's going to be to the last second with all that fear of homelessness triggered for me in so much fear towards it again and again and I'll never catch up. It's only getting worse all the time with money. 

So getting creative. In this economy what can I do? Well the thing is, I don't like to offer cheaper services, but I guess I could. I just bitterly resent offering something worth $250 for only $150 or something. Just taking out some of the physical acts from the offering doesn't make it any less intimate and emotionally enormous, or the sacrifices I make to make this possible for these people any less valuable. I just resent that thought so much. Ever since I was a child, thinking of a sex worker, all I ever thought was "WHOA THAT'S FUCKING HARDCORE. You'd have SEX with a STRANGER? Then you BETTER get paid the BIG BIG bucks for that." As a small girl I even thought that right away. "Well that's so deserving immediately of at least $500 an hour with no questions asked, for sure. That's obviously the most hardcore thing to ever do." I was such a genius child. And right now I'm only getting paid $250 an hour when guess what — the going rate for sex without a condom is $500. But I have standards. I'm not interested in taking an HIV prep </3. I think it's wise that that thought TERRIFIES me. To take an HIV prep so that you can have sex without a condom with people who probably have HIV. And that's worth $500 an hour on this market, but I have to charge only half of that. When it's such an irony, cause my service is safer and better. 

And I don't even like to call it a service. It's not a service for sale for money at all. What they are paying for is not for sex, it's for the pure honour of interacting with me on any level. That guy who had a panic attack in my home and left? I feel that guy owed me the $250 for that 2 seconds of acting like a total freak in my home like that. I really believe it, that money was owed. Because just look at what that left me with. A scar to have to heal in myself from that experience now. Even $500 wouldn't cover it that well for me. Emotionally, if he had given me $500 that day I wouldn't be really writing about it right now in this article, I'd consider that all put away. But that's the kind of thing. Even that is not put away at all, it's still a horrific experience, after all I've done to be supportive to him. Who gives a fuck if he could help it within a panic attack. The truth is he owed me every penny of what he was going to pay me. Because of the sheer honour of interacting with me AT ALL. It is a huge honour that he was allowed into my home at all.

So that being one, you don't even know how much resentment I have to all this GARBAGE texting me with this abuse. Of course I screen them all, but of course that does nothing to resolve my situation. I am forced to just ongoingly be abused. And I know, people serving coffee at Starbucks are also forced to just take abuse. So a part of me actually feels like I shouldn't complain if that's how fucked up our society is. So that's why I haven't complained so far online anywhere and cried for help about these gangs coming in trying to constantly hassle me. I figure the same gangs are going through Starbucks. Even worse there (lol) </3. Only those girls get paid less </3. But the reason I complain right now is because I feel SO emotionally trapped in this nightmare now that I don't even feel that into doing this at all anymore on some deeper level. Like I say, I think it's that spiritual cycle shift for me that always comes eventually. One that I predicted and always feared. I knew it was going to be like this after 4 years. I'm only more committed than ever in my life to keeping my home and remaining stable too now. Just ditching out on reality is not going to work this time. I'm 43, I'm not a person who can just lose all my stuff and go backpacking anymore on the assumption that the kindness of strangers will take me anywhere. Not after being so fucked by that assumption last time. 

What I need right now is not to become homeless. And by the way, there is a dear friend of mine who has offered that I could live for free at his place if things get too financially unstable. But if I move there, I lose my motorhome that I've been paying off with blood sweat and tears since 2022. I have only 2 years till it's paid off, and that was supposed to be the roof over my head or place to keep minimal belongings if I was ever homeless again. That thing cannot be parked at his building. So where? If I pay the parking somewhere else, I guess that's sorta alright, except for losing most of my stuff and all my privacy. I really don't want to live with anyone, even the chillest homie and a person I'd love to spend more time with. Actually I have to say, this person is very in love with me and would probably secretly fantasize if I lived there that we are commonlaw. There's no question it would be a case of feeling kinda seriously guilty for not having sex with him regardless if that was posed as any trade for living there. It wouldnt' be impolite as if I have to have sex as a trade, but you know, his feelings for me run deep, so it seems like not putting out for him would be fucked up just to how that leaves him raw. Then also, if I did, he's going to start the dream somewhere inside that I'll hopefully never find another avenue and always live with him, then we'll be commonlaw. 

Well I don't want to be commonlaw. I'm saving myself for the true marriage in my future that could be really deliberate and really chosen with every intention. I don't like to think that when I do get married someday, which I know is spiritually destined, that I'll have to admit it's my second marriage technically according to Canadian law. It has to be my first marriage. 

Yeah that was golden when my Dad Lee allowed me to live in his shed, as a person who would not be about it that he demands sex. But I'm telling you, living trapped in that little trailer with no shower in the trailer and no way to properly wash, all those years and with bed bugs, and no money, having to rely on him for tiny little things always ... it was a nightmare. And that's where I'll be rather living than with my other friend, based on sexuality as a normal factor within desperate living arrangements. Because that's the only non-sexual option. But my other friend, his place is way more phat, and he's much easier to get along with. No disrespect to my Dad Lee, he's the best, but we do have a history of fighting a lot in the past. Our relationship really took off more once I moved out. We've been friends for over 26 years, and we've just been through everything together. Huge blowout fights were always understood as part of the cycles between us sometimes. He can be pretty agro. I have to take accountability too — I'm not perfect either. Obviously, he's best to have as a friend who isn't overly taxed in a tiny space that he has to share, the poor guy. And same with me — who could expect me to be at my best when I live in a fucking spider shed?! Yeah just a little infestation of enormous hairy freak spiders (lol). Lee is really good at joking around about the spiders. When you kill them, they make a big nasty goo splat, and he lieks to joke and say "That's what you get for fucking AROUND (lol)". He says they are sacred Mother Earth. I say poison them out !!

I just can't handle this situation. I'm so fucked. I hate my fucking life, that's how I feel right now. I should voice message my bestie Alaya. She would be the most amazing to talk to on voicemail. She would be so honoured that I trusted her. She would have perspective — visionary perspective — of the kind of quality I'm not used to. I think I will reach out to her next. Oh wait I forgot — that's the one issue she's not comfortable with (lol). Oh I just remembered as I write this, yeah, she's very passionate about the issue that one should never sell sex. OK right, now it comes back to me, that's such a weird awkard piece between us that she can tell what I do and it's not to breech the subject as an elephant in the room by bringing it up (lol). OK (lol). Well, I'll keep thinking of friends I could reach out to possibly. For a longer issue problem to put this heavy issue on them (lol).

But for anyone reading this who ... well the ones I'm thinking of who might get this message .... thanks for considering me. I feel like I've done enough to look like I could earn some support just from being amazing. Sometimes it's about taking a break from excelling at looking good and just being honest. Maybe it's OK to help a girl out for REAL, obviously not to buy sex from her (lol) — just in a nice way just to save her if she matters. I need a hero to save me, I need a God. Who will be the GREAT one? Who will be my JESUS CHRIST today (lol). Cause that's the level of integrity it would take in this fucked up world to actually reach out and make this happen to get me out of this piece of shit situation. You'd have to be Jesus himself to be that good (lol). No one else would (lol).