STRANGE EXPERIENCES WITH STARS RE: INSTAGRAM RESTRICTION FEATURE

Now, I had no idea why Pillkitty would have a problem with me, so I could only guess. I had barely interacted with her posts — my only comment was something like a heart. I was also barely aware of her existence cause I was still new to Tim Skold on instagram. But that made me so uncomfortable and I spent years trying to guess what had angered her with me. Keep in mind when I say "angry", I also spoke to some other fans and they told me that if Pillkitty was REALLY truly ANGRY at me, things would be a lot more severe than just getting blocked. So it could be she wasn't actually angry but just against me in some less serious way. But I must say those fan stories scared me. And I think those fan stories were designed to make me feel better, cause I admit, I'm not that into connecting with people who would be mean and block someone for only a mild reason anyway. But I was just curious. 

I could have passed it off to her interpretation of my acct handle @nirvana.kurt.cobain.is.alive (at the time) which is perhaps a controversial view, but I felt that didn't make sense really since when you look at the acct, it's full of gorgeous visual art and seems proposed as a visionary or mystical belief on some level, cause it's influenced by Ayahuasca. It just didn't seem like Tim's wife would necessarily be that angry at someone for an opinion like that, unless their acct seemed malicious or robotic. So anyway my only guess was that she had heard something about me from Lindsay Warner, Marilyn Manson's wife. Lindsay, at that point, had contacted me in such a way as to make me feel that she had misunderstandings about me. Years later, she contacted me again to clear things up between us, and I always felt her misunderstandings had been resolved over time by new information being found. 

I had seen photos of Lindsay and Pillkitty visiting not too long before all this happened, but the thing was, I really didn't think it makes sense to base my theories only on things like that which I can see on instagram. I assume life is full of things that aren't projected on social media, and for that reason, it's hard to really guess what happened. 

But the reason I share this story is because of the strange phenomenon which came with it, which involved realizing that I'm deeply considered by famous people sometimes even though I'm not famous. At the time that was a lot to process because it was so mystifying to me why someone who's rich and famous would actually find me significant to such an extent. It was also so weird when Lindsay contacted me too, for similar reasons. I've shared stories here of even earlier days, way back in 2019, when Courtney Love was interacting with me quite a bit on instagram. At that point in my life I had not yet processed that for the big deal that it was. I had assumed it was almost random at the time but I later realized things like that happening ongoingly are not random. But also a number of strange incidents like this over the years that followed, thank God most of them positive, caused me to realize that there was something going on. I started to feel that I was being talked about and taken seriously by stars — and not being informed directly of this. 

At the same time, I was having experiences of feeling spiritually contacted by some stars like Courtney Love, Marilyn Manson and Tim Skold. I felt like there was a world of interconnection between us which was happening inside me. It was very rich. I came to understand that some things were of great importance between us. We were connected on a powerful level with a very strong sense of shared direction and involved in co-creating a shared future. I had been aware that intuitive reflections like that do need to be held as maybe true, maybe imagined. Sometimes what seems like intuition does turn out to be just my imagination on some level, or only parially true. There are blind spots with intuition. With that in mind, I had compartmentalized those thoughts. I had boxed them away into a box called "Who knows if this is true but it just feels true inside of me". But again and again, things kept happening like this. Lindsay contacted me out of the blue, which seemed like an eerie affirmation that things might be true with Marilyn Manson as my intuition had revealed. Same with Pillkitty, this seemed to confirm that it was real with my intuitions of Tim Skold. 

Other things like that happened a lot. Also, at a time when I was spiritually connecting with Trent Reznor and his wife Mariqueen, Mariqueen, restricted me on instagram on every single one of my accounts, including my other completely anonymous secret account which I had on my other phone which is for my work, which has a separate Apple ID. Meaning that acct could not have been seen as mine under normal circumstances, and it had never interacted with her other than follow, and it could not have been automatically detected by instagram as linked with my identity. I thought "Does she have some kind of surveillance on me to know that's also my acct?". And also, same thing with the band Die Antwoord. It was at a time when I felt really spiritually connected to them that they booted not just one but all my accts on instagram from their followers. In both cases, Mariqueen and Die Antwoord, I left a comment asking about this and it was resolved. Mariqueen unrestricted me on all my accounts several months later. And Die Antwoord didn't remove me again from their followers when I re-followed. But this really left me wondering "Do they have some kind of a list of all my accounts?". 

In Mariqueen's case I had to really think deeply about weather she just didn't like me, or why she unrestricted me later. It was always hard to say. Spiritually I had felt love and positivity from her. But when she did this, a part of me doubted that spiritual experience. I wondered if she had been trying to trick me somehow causing a spiritual experience that wasn't genuine. But contemplating it deeply over years of meditation, I'm sure it was genuine positivity from her. I eventually assumed it's just that some things are complicated in ways I might not necessarily understand. I had been warned by some people who have looked into her much more than I had over many years that she can be a really unhinged person sometimes. In the end, I forgave her for the impoliteness and assumed that it was some mix up, or some strangely unhinged process — and I decided that Mariqueen strikes me as funny, quirky and loveable. I felt love from her when she unrestricted me. It seemed like we had bonded. But again, I sometimes have a hard time looking at why someone as famous as Trent Reznor would have such a situation in his family towards me, when it's not like I'm famous, and few are talking to me directly. 

I don't even know why it is that instagram lets me see that I'm restricted. From all I've read, it's supposed to be that you wouldn't be made aware of the fact that this has happened to you. But I have a strange glitch where for some reason, I can see that I'm restricted from my other accts on the same acct centre. I have made the effort to double check, and yes instagram formally knows that all my accts on my personal phone are from my identity. It's all associated with the same person. Sometimes I wonder if this is some custom security on my acct set up just so that I can know what's going on (lol). 

And there are a number of other weird stories like this but I don't have time to tell them all today. It's actually a really negative thing when Billy Corgan's wife followed me on instagram, only to block me a while later — in her case I felt that was coming from hate. At that point I was not only spiritually but social media connected to Billy. And Billy did things like make posts on his instagram and in his stories that were obviously directed at me. Like making clear reference to me and my posts, and there's no way it was about anyone else obviously (cause some things about me really are one of a kind). So when Chloe turned out to hate me with a passion, I wondered what the fuck was going on over there with Billy. Over the years I've definitely felt like I get it. I have my theories about what drove Billy to such a passionate extreme about me. But I can't emphasize enough how disconcerting this was for me when I was having a spiritual reality of connection inside me which was compartmentalized in my mind as separate from the everday norm, and then I was being treated as if this was true on the other end of things but secretly, and not in such a way as to behave normally towards me and just reach out. 

Over the years I started processing my spiritual and intuitive experiences of connections with stars much better. Only recently, in correlation with Jared and Shannon Leto from 30 Seconds to Mars, I had a breakthrough. I started to realize that although I may not get all the information, it seems there have been blocks in the way to my taking my intuition as seriously as I should. It's like evil has been surging through me causing me to doubt myself dramatically more than I should. It hasn't helped at all that on social media, I wasn't finding at all that other fans were having experiences like I was having of spiritual connection with stars. My nice friends were always sweet about it, but no one seemed to take these stories too seriously, even when they were kind and respectful to me and not automatically stigmatizing spiritual intuition. It just felt like people assume that type of experience is not real. A huge part of me felt like I need to normalize myself to that.

Also, of course, not everything that comes up is real. Sometimes things come up in such a way which is not just an incomplete story, but straight up illusion. That seems to be why people don't necessarily take those stories too seriously, and I respect that. I respect the importance of filtering your experience and remaining guarded about it, but in my recent breakthrough I realized, so much of it has a quality that I can easily recognize as the real kind. 

Basically to put it simply, it's like — I might get a beautifully positive and genuine type of impression — but it still takes time to know for sure how genuine it is. Sometimes at first, I might not notice that a certain frame or perspective on things is too loose, incomplete, or not that solid in the overall. So it always takes time just observing how things come up intuitively and slowly considering it before I can be sure. But there are so many things that I would have to acknowledge I should be sure of which I have unnecessarily doubted, and that's where I feel that self-doubt has been a real problem for me.

And one example of a problem is definitely when I think things like Lindsay, Pillkitty, Chloe, Mariqueen, and all this, should have no reason on this planet to care about me either positively or negatively. It does make sense, because there was something going on between me and their husbands. That was only understood inside myself, but it was true, and that totally explains it in a way if for some odd reason I was seen as important and they got this impression, but perhaps they didn't fully understand why I was of significance to their husbands. That whole simple idea that I'm not a famous person and they are, so why in the fuck do they even care enough to block me or treat me like I even really matter to their lives when I'm not doing anything at all except commenting hearts or just being the usual kind of normal instagram comment person ......... that's toxic self-doubt. 

And this has been an issue with wives and girlfriends of stars. And I have gotten the impression that what's happened sometimes is that I was pointed out as a person of importance, but it was not explained what that is because of trade secrets, and so because there was no explanation, these women worried that I was a sexual threat. Chloe, I know that's what it was, but she's also crazy. She and Billy are always fighting and he sometimes posted things saying that he likes sex workers, indicating that he's into cheating and she has to learn to put up with that — but I think she puts up with it by simply visciously attacking any woman she perceieves as a potential sexual threat. And I'll never forgive her for that. That's horrible. But each situation is different. Like with Mariqueen, if she assumed I was a sexual threat, I laugh thinking how funny that would be for Trent to have to explain to her that it's not like that (lol). Considering what it's really about, it's actually hilarious in contrast, cause it's very serious business haha. I think that idea that stars are hinting at their wives of serious business but they take it as hidden sexual urges strikes me as hilarious in some cases (lol). 

But I can see that kind of thing happening with me, because I don't look like serious business as a person. I don't appear that much to be obvious media business. But the thing is, I'm not that physically attracive either (lol). So you don't know how much that disturbed me at first to have to wonder if I was seen as a sexual threat, because that brought up my insecurities about my looks. It was two sides of a theory at war with each other in my mind, and it's very triggering. I had to accept that with plastic surgery and money I would be competitively good looking actually, so that whole idea must be kept in mind, but that's the only thing that ever could make me think I'd be ever seriously acknowledged as a sexual threat with people like Mariqueen for example. Mariqueen, if you haven't seen her, she looks like an ultimate super model. I should never compare myself to her, it's a painful thought. So I'm happy that I can laugh about that now. But thoughts like that made me paranoid and discomforted. 

The fact that Die Antwoord also did that to me definitely made me feel a little better, cause they're a happy couple. That was the one case where I realized, things like this are not all about sexuality necessarily in life. And this just happened again from Ronnie Radke, and there's no chance it was anything like that. And this has also been a problem with Jared Leto's social media staff at one point, which is thoroughly documented on this website, and that was nothing about sexuality in that case, cause these were just social media staff, but they had an evil vendetta against me. Which is just a whole other story. Again, that's documented elsewhere. 

In the end, the reasons that these stars had any interest in me when they weren't telling me what was going on directly was a question I had to contemplate for many years, bu I feel that question is finally answered just by my larger intuition over all these years. Athough no doubt, it will make more sense with time. It's not just that one famous person took an interest in me, it's many. I have a way of really turning the heads of stars, and that's without doing anything special to make me stick out and seem that different from others. And I guess each situation is so unique, but the truth is, I'm a star who's not famous. I'm a star now but I'm just not at all famous yet. That's the long story short. I may not look like a supermodel, but I could someday once I achieve the type of success I see in my future in the media. 

I'm happy that stars love to invest their energy into me. I'm a great investment. And I'm happy that I posted recently about my views on jealousy, polyamory and sex addiction. That made me inspired to tell this story again. When you compare notes between what I wrote there, and what people like Chloe think about these issues, you see I'm a much better person than Chloe. Chloe is evil — me, I'm actually a good person hahaha.

Like that really infuriated me that Chloe would be that mean to me based on purely the idea that she may have thought Billy had a romantic interest in me. Because Billy has children with Chloe, and his commitment to her is real when it comes to any kind of significant public relationship. And I was not a sex worker, and I was not a slut either (I was living actually sexless in my Dad's shed at that point), and I would not be interested in relationship with Billy Corgan which was secretive, or placed me as a housewrecker in contrast to his life with Chloe, and obviously it would make me look like such a housewrecker if I was with Billy while he's still with his baby mama. So this insinuation or assumption from her that it's like she assumes I'd be interested in such a harmful thing as to be in a relationship with Billy really pissed me off. Like what does she think I am, a slut or an idiot? 

And Billy once liked one of my posts — it was my post about my mystic spiritual marriage — and I felt this hinted that maybe he thought it was beautiful with my sexuality ... but he may have only more meant it about spirituality (although Billy tends to sexualize things). But in my opinion, if Billy had been interested in me, that would mean the most possible is that Billy was thinking of being with me someday when long in the future he and Chloe had finally broken up, and it's obvious that their family caused a huge commitment to her, and he had deals made with her about how that commitment can be guaranteed. So she knew that he was committed to the family because of their financial and business arrangements. So, why didn't Chloe just talk to me and tell me that she was triggered by him liking my post about my spiritual marriage? Like an adult? 

And it's actually really funny now that I think of it that I posted a total "Thank you for liking my post" post about him liking it, at the time (lol). The reason for that was because it's a social media norm in the fandom to post things like that hahaha. I never said anything like "Thank you for showing a sexual interest in me" (lol). HAHAHAHA. I didn't think it necessarily meant that. I thought he just found it beautiful because he's really into spirituality and you rarely see things quite to that extent except for like people like the famous mystic poet Rumi and it's cool. But funny cause if he had a sexual interest in me of some kind, hilarious that I didn't take that as something more complicated by his liking my post. But I really did just assume respect. 

And if Billy told her she's not really supposed to talk to me, then he's to blame for the issue in a way, because that's not healthy for her to not be allowed to talk to me if her concern was that I might be angling to steal her husband someday. Although I sense that it was something much more complicated by her hate and her evil than that. And frankly I think her projections were dark and it was about worrying that I'd be a slut or an idiot in the near future with Billy, which if she knew what it really is in media business she'd know it's absurd that he'd want to be so degrading. And it's enormously offensive what she assumed of me, and shows that she's not a sensitive or very aware person. Because she can see that I'm into Ayahuasca and healing and spirituality, so how could she assume I'm an idiot like some kind of a crack whore or something? But like I say, she's crazy because she has post-pardum depression. 

And I add that last part on explaining more about sexual dynamics regarding Billy and Chloe because a few paragraphs ago I realized that my latest post about ethics regarding sex addiction, jealousy and polyamory is really useful in comparison to this degrading perspective of hers.