PAZ DE LA HUERTA ◊ FAME, PERCEPTION & PRESSURE

The story goes, Paz has been the victim of really an extreme amount of trafficking and sexual assault all sae's life, within family and throughout sae's time as a famous model by many people in media circles such as modelling agencies. Sae suffers with a history of severe addiction too. At one point some years ago Paz was hanging out at a place with Manson and a group of others, and as was fairly common, blacked out due to pills. Memory was lost of what happened, and then some lying people tried to manipulate Paz into believing that Manson had raped sae while sae was unconscious on the pills — something which has happened to Paz countless innumerable times by other people. Those particular people were later exposed as having been lying in that situation. Because of sae's vulnerable state, sae posted a tweet saying that may be true that Manson had raped sae. It wasn't true, and Manson approached Paz with a passionate plea to reverse the damage this had done during the scandals at the time against Manson. Paz realized this had been jumping to conclusions and retracted the statement vigorously, while making severeal public appearances with Manson and Lindsay, as well as private visits. Sae became well celebrated within the coMMunity. 

What happened between us is, when Paz posted these recent outbursts, I asked sae if sae is still comfortable being friends with me, now that this is going on — considering, of course, Manson and Lindsay are my world. I said I can understand if this would now make this awkward between us because a star is sometimes a very powerful influence even between friends who it's just between them. In response, Paz blocked my instagram. Since sae was following me on my old acct, I decided to block back from that one to finish the job. And I understood this may have been in anger, if sae felt I was not respecting sae's boundaries to leave the issue of Manson alone now (as was said in the post). But I didn't take it personally since Paz was currently really stressed out by this situation — and if I cared more about preserving the friendship with Paz hopefully, I would have been more tactful and patient. So, you know, I may have inadvertently exposed that our friendship wasn't really that deep knit emotionally for either of us anyway. At the same time, before even knowing I was blocked, my bestie Jazzy was urging me strongly to block Paz — and I find Jazzy extremely intelligent, and I took that as worth strongly considering, just incase things were more serious than I realized. 

But it was hard for me to say goodbye, because I have developed so much compassion and understanding for Paz now that I can't help but strongly empathize with what sae is going through. I actually find it effortless to put myself in Paz's shoes and imagine what it would be like to be in sae's situation and how this would feel. From my perspective, based on reading what Paz wrote, it looks like sadly Manson wasn't able to follow up on a promise made to write out a formal statement for use in a lawsuit, which describes the abuse that Manson witnessed happening against Paz (assumedly while sae was passed out at that place, or maybe at another time). Story goes from Paz, when Manson talked to sae about how sae hadn't raped Paz while sae was unconscious that day, sae took the opportunity to mention that sae had witnessed other abuse happening from other people. Paz had asked for this as a statement to add to a lawsuit sae is doing against those abusers, mainly people who trafficked sae within modelling agencies or something. I could be a little off on the details, but now also it seems Paz is feeling so betrayed not to have received this legal support that sae is consumed with negative thoughts about Manson's character. 

And you know, I know it's very different person to person, but I feel like I would act the same way theoretically in a sense, if I was in Paz's situation with Manson. Because I totally agree that it would be perfectly acceptable at this stage to make it public that Manson failed to keep the promise to do the legal statements. It's possible Manson was under threat from very dangerous people if sae would go through with that, making it the right decision by Manson to protect saeself. But it's still technically Manson's responsibility to keep promises, regardless of the reason why or why not, therefore not true Paz is responsible to protect sae's image here from how that makes sae look for not following through. 

But there's more — Paz also said things like that Manson is overall a really bad person. Now, the thing is, I understand how sometimes you can be consumed with those kinds of perceptions of someone. Under certain conditions, there's a dark energy that can come over you which makes you feel like all you care about is the flaws in a person. Perhaps other people are noticing those same flaws too, and it's true enough, but you don't have the power to see a higher reality, a bigger picture, a more transformative perspective. And it can take a lot of power and determination to overcome those types of perceptions, which is extremely admirable and takes a real warrior spirit, and this can feel like going against the grain of life and slaving away for something. And when it comes to a case like this, you have to admit perhaps that degree of extreme loyalty or passion for pursuing a higher order of perception about someone is not even warranted if your relationship with that person doesn't have some greater significance to you in your life — enough to mandate such an investment in someone else. 

I mean the story of Paz and Manson doesn't strike me as necessarily having come from a higher order of some kind between them. It strikes me as mostly happenstance that they were in the room together that day when Paz was on pills. Paz was hanging out with a lot of famous people then who sae didn't necessarily care that much about. Same the other way. I think Manson and Lindsay, like me, care a lot about Paz but they didn't necessarily have much in mind other than basic friendship, and this wasn't really a true passion about the music together, or anything else like that. The passion from Manson and Lindsay's side was to beautifully resolve Paz's misunderstanding that Manson abused sae, for their own benefit and for Paz's. And actually that's very unfortunate circumstances in which to happen upon a friendship, especially if Paz isn't genuinely that into Manson's music or style. So it's like they weren't really that deep of friends, even though there was a huge burst of energy between them for quite a while. 

It's a much higher order than that, I feel, which would inspire Paz to find the commitment to overcome that kind of a harsh perceptual experience against Manson. If Paz would take on another spiritual warriorship in life, it should probably be for Paz's own recovery from abuse and lawsuit process against the traffickers, not just to protect Manson's image at all costs. 

And the thing I normally say to situations like this is just asking the question "If you have a problem with Manson (and Lindsay) personally, why do you say it in public? Why not just keep it private? I mean there's no need to grandstand a public character assassination is there?", and the odd thing is, though, I think Paz really is like minded with me about those issues, and was literally forced to go public about this. I totally relate. For myself, I recently put up a post saying I was mad at Jared Leto right now. Well the fact is, I normally would never have posted that, but once you have publicly supported a star to an extreme degree, even ceasing to support quietly can raise major suspicion and cause inquiry. People come to their own conclusions (wild, outrageous conclusions) for you if you don't clarify why it is that you no longer wish to publicly support. It's better to be clear about what exactly the problem is so that they don't make up stories about it, then involving you in something. Besides, it was the right thing to do for Paz to publicize that Manson broke sae's promise about the legal documents anyway. So it should be clarified just how it is — that it's a personal promise, not a legal promise — that it's a sense of betrayal not physical abuse — and stuff like that. 

And the thing is too, I've been thinking a lot about fame and when hate comes to you as a famous person, and starting to feel understanding for some types of haters. I used to think that if I was famous, I'd resent haters saying bad things about me which are not true — but now I just understand in some cases (not all). I just think that a small percentage of haters are actually being completely honest about their genuine perception of that star, and sometimes it's nothing but truth that they perceived them as "a bad person". And sometimes it is (on the micro or the macro, say if you only have like 100 followers or you have 10,000), kinda necessary to just be real about what you're going through if previously you were known as a devotee, because this genuinely represents a change in your life that it's fair to express to friends so that they know what you're going through. I mean Paz wasn't a spiritual devotee of Manson but I believe Mansonites thought of it like that, and that was the assumption in so many cases. It was almost like Manson had been a divine saviour and healer to Paz, which had caused a transformation in sae's healing process. Paz gets that perception is common but doesn't feel it was much more than a promise. Still, the concept needed to be addressed.

Anyway, Manson and Lindsay still follow Paz — and I shared a laugh about that with my bestie Jazzy after sae had encouraged me to block Paz. I was like "Let me see if I should block Paz — I'm going to first check if Manson and Lindsay may have done so". After all that it was actually funny to notice that even they were still following (lol). I mean I feel for them, they probably feel similar to me — sad to see this and hoping for resolution. But I don't know how realistic a resolution really is in this case. Perhaps someday later. I feel like if it gets resolved I'll be sad to have lost Paz, cause I'd love to view that resolved — but since it was a personal thing between us that Paz blocked me, I guess it's just between us that it should end. It's severe to block someone. Paz could have just said something and we'd stop following each other peacefully for now. So fine, I don't have that connection anymore. But I understand, Manson and Lindsay being more tactful than I was and not saying anything right now might be for the purpose of hopefully getting this resolved. 

I went through such a similar situation with Jared Leto. It wasn't a broken verbal promise in my case, but I was experiencing a sense of betrayal and so much awareness of things that I didn't like about Jared. It's just that I've understood that when you're really mad at someone, what you should do is simply get your revenge by sliving your own best life, and not give any energy to the person you're mad at by engaging in criticizing them publicly. Jared would argue that it's not revenge for me to live my own best life and I agree — it's not — it doesn't hurt Jared for me to focus on other things. But I mean that figuratively, you know? Like if I'm angry, just get "revenge" so to speak, by walking away. To be that way within conflict is a discipline, and I believe in that discipline.

It's a really heavy situation between Jared and I which is going to be resolved later — and I'm CERTAIN it will be resolved — but in the mean time until then, it's completely valid for me to be upset. To invest into Jared by waiting until it's resolved and exercising personal restraint against speaking negatively about sae is hard, because now is when life is, not in the future. The future in which it's resolved really is not the reality right now !! Sometimes holding a visionary and future-minded way of life as a longterm strategist is literally brutal. It can feel so ungrounded and so not authentic to the current experience. 

Anyway, Paz has a lot less of that kind of personal self-restraint because sae has been recovering from severe hard drug addiction and trauma which for a rare case I just can't argue, is much worse than my own. So I don't feel an ounce of judgement against sae for this. And the thing is, I've been immersed in a band fandom world in which it's considered high level to be strict on people and just completely ex-communicate them for things like Paz's outburst, and the emotional thing for me is that I've related very strongly to that. I've been the one so many times to believe in just cracking the whip on people for outbursts like that. So now that I'm experiencing this crazy thing with Jared, I can't believe I'm not in that frame of mind at all to believe it's time to pull out the whip, so to speak. 

Anyway, keep in mind, I strongly promote the fact that my situation and Paz's is totally one of those rare cases where the person is just honestly going through something very real for them. In the majority of cases, it's super obvious that the person is just believing whatever's convenient for them at the moment, and just comfortably clinging to negative clickbait. Usually people don't even care that much about stars for real. They want to get something out of them, something like entertainment and stuff, but they don't give a shit about the person for real. So when they turn against stars, they're completely doing that from such a detached perspective without really looking at the situation critically or with any concern for any search for the truth. That's why I think cancel-culture is a virus. And it's that type of cancel-culture virus which makes it politically sensitive for me to just emote about what I'm going through right now with Jared, cause people want to turn it into something it's not, some clickbait from news headlines or whatever. Like if I'm mad at Jared, how angry am I really? Do I want to take a weapon in the cancel-culture of a virus and direct it at Jared and pull the trigger? No fucking way. I resent being weaponized. 

It's not like I want to impose harm on someone just because I'm upset with them. But i matter and my feelings matter. I totally feel as though if I say why I'm upset at Jared, people will listen and lend compassion and understanding — Jared included — and that will make me feel better. It might clear the issues. It might trigger healing for my perception. 

You know, the thing is, I really love my relationship with Manson and Lindsay because if I was ever visiting them in person or messaging with them online right now, we'd have no bad blood to clear from the air before we move on. There's nothing wrong AT ALL between me and them. They've behaved as perfect angels in anything ever to do with me, even remotely. Jared on the other hand has behaved as a sleaze-ball to people when speaking specifically about me, including Michael Keaton who approached me as a result, Anthony El-Estwani the videographer of TRON who also approached me as a result, as well as a slime bag who wound up attacking me, and actually I believe many more (lol) not just people who ended up talking to me directly. And this was designed to be supportive ultimately, and I know it was with good intentions. But I'm sorry — it's horrific. It has caused me great distress. This story is completely minimized. Jared has been acting like such a total sleaze-ball and no wonder people think sae is one for real on a deeper level — if sae can be that convincing of an actor. It's completely complicated beween us. If Jared called me on the phone today, we'd have a lot of garbage to talk about first before anything's fun. 

Sometimes, I can totally get why people believe the BBC scandals against Jared in a way, or kinda just want to agree. Like I know it's not true with that Airmail and BBC but the thing is, I can soooo understand how the misperceptions of Jared are so common, cause it's just that Jared really acts like a sleaze bucket a lot. It's not a crime to act like an obsessive-compulsive control drama freakoid sleaze-heavy bucket if you're not doing anything wrong or illegal and it's for good intentions to be deceptive to harmful individuals in order to heal the world — but it's TOTALLY DISTURBING. And Manson & Lindsay have not acted that way about me at all. They've been perfect angels. Which I APPRECIATE DEEPLY. Which makes me feel SAFE with Manson and Lindsay. 

I think it's fair to find Jared genuinely just disturbing in some ways. Like when people see those false allegations, it's so fair to say "OMG Jared is SO DISTURBING. This is harsh." Like however Jared got saeself into this whole mess looks practically on purpose to be honest, regardless if the allegations are untrue, and who's job is it to bail Jared out now? Everyone needs to be a warrior and a champion when they see these headlines and fight a big psychological fight against misinformation — like it's what they were put on this Earth to do — even though Jared can be so disturbing? Not really, unless it's a true calling I guess. It's like "Barf — Jared's vibe sucks", and that's fair enough.  

So that's the story on Paz. I really think Paz is a divine reflection of myself. Paz's journey of perception after having had blackouts where sae didn't even know what may have happened, and now experiencing a veil of perception that makes Manson seem like such a bad person — is just like me. I haven't had a problem with pills (never tried them) but I have experienced simulated realities which were harmful and that's like being blacked out. I have been the iconic woman with the blindfold — the woman afflicted by perceptual darkness. It's seems like that's a woman to save, to protect, to love. And we may not be connected on instagram, but I'll always send love to Paz, just as Manson and Lindsay do. And the prayer is for this kind of being who experiences this blindfold to see clearly now. To realize sae's own safety within situations, to see protectors and angels, to recognize where healing is possible, to transcend the darkness. And if I was famous, I'd feel that towards fans that had turned on me if it was that innocent. I would feel no anger. I would wish to cause healing for them all. And when I'm in that place, waiting for that healing for me, there is so much patience, so many lessons about stillness, so much strength to cultivate.