Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first interaction with Jared. I confided in my MARS bestie, Mary — "I wonder if Jared or 30STM will interact with me that day?". I was totally unattached to that happening, because I just love how stars always surprise me with their beautifully original way of doing things that I wouldn't have been able to guess, so I ultimately don't get attached to specifics like that.
And I mean, I had gotten their message that they are still working on things and figuring it out — like sortof a "Please Wait. Please Stand By. Working." message haha (based on their pattern of interaction) so I was expecting to be waiting however long anyway. And they didn't reach out directly — however I was not disappointed. I had a powerful intuitive experience and series of breakthroughs that day about what's going on. It made it the special day I was hoping it would be.
The thing is, I've been experiencing a lot of harmful sorcery lately, as I've explained on this timeline. And I'm used to a certain way that it tends to go. But the strange thing was, that morning I was surprised by a very different pattern of brujeria. And some of it was not working too. I actually felt something — I felt Jared's influence on what was coming through, stopping certain narratives from continuing as usual and this allowed my mind to think more freely and authentically.
The brujeria had shifted. I felt a strangely surprising sense of relief and a powerful impression that I was finally free of this difficult process of struggle with me seeking to gain this job from the band, while feeling sabotaged and interfered with to the micro-detail by all this brujeria, which was seemingly coming from his staff (or, more accurately, a larger network of people all interconnected in harmful ways in surrounding of this person as it weaves the story of implications). That was a good feeling but came from the idea that the band had made their decision not to hire me onto the staff and to abandon the whole entire thing. Which felt wonderful, as if I was freed.
That's how it started. I started thinking all these nice thoughts about how simple the process would be for me to just move on with my life and gain other support if it weren't for this entanglement. For example, the suggestion came up that I would no longer find a place within the Echelon fandom world among other people interacting with the band because 30STM were through with me — and I responded to that by joyfully thinking that it would be sick if my art wouldn't have to seem to geared to being so recognizable to them as MARS fan art. I started joyfully thinking, "It would be so cool if my art was more cryptic and coded and less easy to tell that it's core level MM and 30STM necessarily. This would appeal more to a broader visionary and psychedelic art community and then they'd be surprised to see they've accepted these bands as part of a mystical realm that I offer through my art".
That's just an example, but that's a good one. It was like something had broken so deeply in this process between us and made it now insignificant with the drama leading up to this time. But as much as this was a positive experience, ridiculous thoughts such as that ones, like now I have no place in the Echelon because they'll abandon me forever, were of course suspicious and I realized it would have obviously been brujeria which started all this.
And normally the brujeria is more like a pushy, forceful, bullying, condemning, manipulation force working to control me to work on things about Jared and 30STM but in a way that's trying to convince me this will cause me to fail. But now it was just saying everything's all over and the whole gig's up. Which, that was just so telling.
Like lately when I did that Great Pyramid of Giza piece, I had mentioned that the theme was my statement "No matter how this brujeria controls me or maligns me or Jared and Shannon (and our art), the result will always be even better and better quality of truth through art, just nothing but the antidote on all levels". You know, cause the Great Pyramid is like the opposite of what their logo's supposed to symbolize, but ironically it's really sick though how I rendered that as very harmonious with the band. It's kinda like how I have the triangle right side up and upsidown and as a diamond — my point is that there is no opposite of the truth. So do anything to it but it will never change. In other words, for a very long time it's felt like constant obsessive involvement from brujeria into this process. Not that it's over.
So anyway, I started exploring this idea. It's really over? They've made their decision? They've abandoned the whole thing? (Keeping in mind it's brujeria so this may not be true, but just having an open mind). And when searching for the reason why, it came to this : It just seemed that through the Antechamber Meditations, especially the latest one about Cara (but in combination with everything), there was some idea that Jared had judged the situation unworkable because it's now revealed that I'm going to be ongoingly exposing this staff member and the things he said to me. Like actually it doesn't matter at all if this was really his staff member or just some other guy from somewhere else (since I don't have proof anyway), but the issue is still real — it's my belief that it was their staff. And when that's my belief, that's effectively my story. It's my narrative. And so bottom line, hiring me is hiring someone who's perception is that they've been horribly violated by 30STM staff, that's all.
I got this intuition with it — it was as though Jared had announced "It's not her fault that she's freaking out. This is a rare or totally one-of-a-kind case in which it seems to be just brujeria which has caused all this mess (and does look like it). But the bottom line is, it really doesn't matter if it's her fault or not — that's not the point. Regardless of any judgement or the lack of it against her, she's unhireable here".
Cause before it was like the brujeria was OBSESSED with the idea that I will have been the one who failed (as opposed to them) if indeed I don't get the job — that it's by all these failures of mine which it had caused. But now suddenly that whole narrative about it being because I failed was gone and replaced with "It's over and it's not about who's to blame."
AND I could subtly pick up an undertone that it had angered Jared. You know? Let's just say, things shifted with the brujeria in such a sudden way that it struck me as though the person causing it had been sharply corrected — by Jared. Now again, I think the brujeria is caused by a large network, not just one person. But the way it strikes me, it all hinges on what happens in this story. Certain vested interests or opinions drive it, and these are based on what unfolds. And so it just looks to me, based on what I've gathered so far about this staff member, that this person was corrected. But now the interesting thing is, this person was hired to help me get the job. So that makes sense that they would be informed if it was no longer a goal. But only if they had some belief they were still charged with that goal.
And that's the whole thing that really blew up as a huge realization for me. I had completely assumed so far that this man who contacted me would no longer have been charged with the goal of gaining me as a 30STM employee, since I blocked him and announced that I didn't see any reason in that. In fact I mentioned that I believe he was hired in such a way to trick him to think that he was unsuspected as a violator, because they knew he was a saboteur and they wanted to harm reduce and finally end that process from where they have control — inside their staff. But now it was looking like up until even July 11th, he still assumed or thought he was hired to "help" me get this job and now that I think of it, that makes sense (lol). That actually makes sense that they would string him along for so ridiculously long about all this if they only hired him just to play with him and get him to expose himself (lol).
So I had released the idea that he still believes he's hired genuinely for this task a long time ago, but now I realize they're still playing this game. And that's big news then if they finally actually told him that it's over with this "job" of his. But then again, there are some things that leave this story unfinalized. My impression was that this sharp correction was made to him because of the likely trajectory of my posts and what I'm probably going to be saying, to the point of a culminative disaster of this kind. But also I don't know if what happens on my end is the only thing that will affect how it goes, so I don't know the timing to expect on this process.
But that's not a disaster at all but only what was inevitable from the start and the best thing that could happen if he was stopped somehow.
so now I know they're still "playing with their food", you know like a cat likes to bat around a mouse for a long time before they eat it. Make it think it can run away, then chase it again just for fun (lol). Well the goal here is to expose this guy, that's the cat and mouse game and this is not just for fun, but you know, it's just an unresolved ongoing drama.
I mean on my end, I'm exposing him naturally and organically in my flow, but no doubt they have surveillance on this guy (probably which he signed up for when he was hired) and will be waiting for him to expose himself on their end of things. Which I think is more all I'm waiting for here. Once he does, I bet you anything that's when my life will heal finally and I'll get this job.
See the way I think it will go is that he'll be getting continually sketched out and shady as the process unfolds and finally in a loss of composure, do something that gets the whole network busted. It's like this : It starts to gradually sink in for him more and more that he's busted already on so many levels, facing a heavy lawsuit, and caught for so many things and there's no way out — so he tries to strike up a plea bargain to confess that he was from CoSM — or he seeks out backup from there — or you know, any number of things like breaking down and committing crimes on camera, you know? It's just that he realizes he's already dead in the water so now nothing matters anymore and he finally drops the evidence.
But just speaking to my experience — I must emphasize what a surprise it was for me to realize that he probably wasn't fired earlier. The announcement I made about how horribly it went with this person when this happened seemed like enough to obviously make them fire him instantly, but I forgot that this is not a normal situation at all like that (lol). I should have known. Suddenly it all becomes clear. And I don't know really what this means if he was repremanded — if this means he was fired completely or just snapped at. But I guess I'll be able to intuitively get more clues by how things go over time.
And the thing is, it's so ironic for 30STM to treat the situation of hiring me for a job as if it's dependent on this guy's failure or success. I mean doesn't that sound absurd when this guy is such a loser? Haha. I laughed about that for a while and that made me feel better, cause if he believes that he's so stupid but hilarious that they could easily fool him just simply by saying that and keeping him on staff (lol). It's really really funny that all they have to do is pay the guy on their staff and he actually believes it — he's the one in charge of his so-called job (lol). It's just a job that could obviously be done without him, and he's made that so obvious it's not even fucking funny by proving that he's the opposite of this (lol).
And through this process, I've thoroughly decided that I no longer feel safe or comfortable working with staff members of the band as intermediaries between me and them for any paid position. I mean it's different if I became friends just naturally with one of their staff, that's great if I did but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean for my role, I won't have it through someone who works for them. I'm not interested in this job anymore whatsoever if it means that I have to have someone managing me other than Jared and Shannon, because this is the second time I've been hurt by their staff badly, and I've had enough. More than enough.
And I mentioned in The 7 of 9 Process Artifact Journal that I would be open to working with someone who organizes their information for them and helps to streamline the process and direct the flow of communication smoothly to save them time. But I'm no longer open to that. So I will have to change that post, but I'm still just searching for the words. And you know, it takes time to conference and have consultation, but who better to do it than them? And if their time being limited means that they can't hire me for as much work as they'd like, or any, that's odd considering that they have the time for this other guy who's completely in the way of everything (lol).
I must say, the fact remains that if they've had this staff member at all, then they have SOME time for me. The time they've been spending on him could go to me and it would probably be enough direction to keep me working at least part time.
And I've been a total disaster and really having the worst time in my life since spring when this happened with this guy. The brujeria and problems at my work just went CRAZY right then and it has hardly let up since. But at the same time, the revelations of that event did represent a breakthrough. For years I've been thinking NIRVANA has a legal coalition and they are secretly working on a lawsuit against CoSM — which is a lawsuit more accurately against a huge interconnected network of criminal activity surrounding them. I've realized so much about that lawsuit lately. I feel like they targetted CoSM for that lawsuit even before I became involved with CoSM through Delvin actually. But regardless of where it all began at its root, in all those years, I've known one day I will get a job with the branch (this branch of the media of which my favourite stars are a part of), and I always knew when that job would happen will be when the lawsuit process is complete.
So now that this guy approached me so harmfully and he seems connected to CoSM from what it seems to me by the brujeria and combination of factors in my life, and since it seems like this is all about an effort to resolve the problem with a job in focus, I do feel hopeful that this long process is coming to fruition. It's looking a bit like an end-game on this big lawsuit process I've been so aware of for years. It just seems to me that this would not have been brought up to me at all about a job whatsoever unless it was starting to get to this level of finalizing these lawsuits, and it's looking pretty critical how things are coming up around it. So it's a good sign in that way.
And thinking of that led me to have a laugh about the band NIRVANA. I thought "Haha this is funny. Imagine if NIRVANA was even talking to Jared and Shannon about this — what would they say?! Haha probably just like them, just pretend as though it's an underlying assumption that the only way I can have a job, this one or anything like that, is through this liason of these evil people from CoSM (lol)". Get it? They would be just as intent on getting these guys sued by tricking them (lol). I mean it does seem like you could get caught up on that fallacy I guess that there needs to be some kind of intermediary between me and these bands just if you suppose it's like they never have time for anything or whatever, but just waste their time on guys this this (lol).
Haha that's the whole thing that came up with my MARS bestie Mary. It did go away after a while with just that underlying assumption that bands don't HAVE TIME for the fans once we realized that they are wasting their time on horrible staff members and enemies that are after them and all kinds of bullshit that seems like the biggest waste of their time (lol). It comes out in the end that after having so much of their time wasted by these nightmare logistics, interacting with people who hate them just to keep them at bay or pacify their aggressions, they must be desperate to talk to sweet people like me and Mary even though one might assume we don't matter (lol).
In the end that's WHY I've come to rely on it that they will always find an interest, and always keep liking Mary's comments and sending her heart emojis (lol). And they sure do !!!!
It's like how they say there's always room for water even in a huge container of rocks. Water always finds a way somehow even when there's a block. Just like our favourite things like for some people they say there's always room for dessert no matter how full you are, and for 30STM I think sometimes connecting with people like me and Mary who are so genuine and so sweet and full of love and respect really is very tempting for them, more realistically. That's a beautiful thought, and I would say that's why I actually do have hope that they might still hire me, just themselves without a mediator between us, because they would THOROUGHLY ENJOY THAT. They would, I know it (lol).
And just one more thing I want to say. The truth is, I feel that I've been writing and doing too much art about Jared and Shannon lately. The thing is, I find it very imbalanced now. There's too much about them and not enough about other stars and topics I'd like to focus on too and it's not natural for me as an artist to have things so lopsided like this. But I'm totally forced to do that by the brujeria. The situation seems to demand that I write things like this, for example, just incase it might help. Yet there's also a force pushing it to happen — seems to be the brujeria but I've argued that it all works out regardless of what they push for.
But also, that wouldn't take up all my time. I could do other things like at least The 16 KEYS I was working on or other writings about other bands but when I try to do that the brujeria stops me. Lately I spend time just not able to work on anything. I'm too stubborn or it's just not the time to work on something about 30STM so I can't do anything at all creative. I'm crippled. That's a more recent issue for me that it's so crippling for me as an artist as well as emotionally and physically. I mean it's terrible — for so long I've been seeing all these opportunities to write about Foo Fighters, Tim Skold, NIRVANA, and other things that inspire me, but I said "Everything's on hold for The 7 of 9 and 16 KEYS right now so it can wait" but now I can't work on the 7 of 9 or the 16 KEYS anymore.
I hope that changes soon. It's 3 weeks now since I've put put out any of the 16 KEYS and that's a long time. I only have 2 batches left to go and theoretically one batch only takes a few days. But I can survive. I comfort myself by telling myself that going through this will contribute to my success ultimately anyway. It's a hardship and a very traumatic time in my ilfe, but because of that consequences will arrive for my enemies, leaving me free to create more happily.
Speaking of all this brujeria, I've been having premonitions of what it's going to be like when it's finally gone. And this has arrived through a review of things that were wrong and how they seem to function.
In the spring everything went to hell after I interacted with that 30STM staff, like I said, but before that there was also a long period of another type of brujeria. The brujeria before that period was strangely positive. For example, I easily went on a very strict diet for a very long time and lost like 50 lbs with no difficulty. And I was extremely focused and productive to the point of beginning to identify as a workaholic. But I later regretted the diet. I realized later I had fucked up my metbolism by dieting and in retrospect, it was actually unusual for me to find it so easy to diet. I decided it may have been brujeria trying to get me to fuck my metabolism up to set me up for a fall and make it easier to gain weight later. I also realized perhaps the productivity extremes were also designed to overwork me. I did end up losing a lot of sleep during that time just working nonstop for seasons and this my have contributed to some health issues.
I mean it did seem kinda machine-like. I felt it was like a spiritual power coming over me. I thought it was a positive power but actually I didn't pretend it wasn't kinda mixed though. It was like a bad power was badly doing something good for me. It was so unusual actually for me to have these intense disciplines. Now, I identified with those things because to me they seemed positive, and so I knew it was aligned with what I would want. But as an extreme, something which was also taxing me, it now appears suspicious. That said, I have always sensed that I would be more in control of my health, exercise and diet, and productivity were it not for brujeria. I'm starting to realize that in a much more balanced and self-nurutring, natural and healthy way, I would have all those things if it weren't for that harmful influence either way.
It's strange to notice that this negative power over me has done things that seemed good at times. And it's done things that seemed obviously bad too. But now I realize without it, I would just have the good without any of th ebad. So I'm optimistic about what it will be like when more progress happens with these lawsuits.
And since this piece is already so long — as it often goes with non-performative writing — I may as well add one more insight here. Of course, you notice this beautiful animated AI art that I've put here in the writing which I made with midjourney. Well it's ironic that I say I'm barely functioning on art, while I'm producing some of the most visually stunning artwork of my entire life haha. And that's no less of an artform. 30STM even hired an AI artist to make their latest music video actually. But it's just ironic cause it didn't really take me that long to do these. But more importantly, it reveals so much about me as an artist and this story.
These characters were built over several hours just getting sucked into midjourney on my first night using it, then I was able to produce a series of similar ones with little effort or time while writing this — and they auto-export as an animated gif just like that off the program. So it can be posted here fast. But the fascinating thing about using midjourney is that it catapults my reach to use something this powerful. I'm able to be seen and recognized as an artist soooo much better when using powerful tools. It's like just having a super powerful ad for whatever it is you're saying or doing. Now this is non-performative writing so it's nothing I'm advertising on the front end, but the point is, these videos can be used for more important things, of course, and in a very careful way.
And the point I've been building towards here is this : Once I use this (and this compares with other powerful tools) anyone can immediately recognize my value as an artist. Like even just this, just because it's midjourney doesn't mean it's not unique and original — it is unlike other midjourney art. And this is attention grabbing. But the magic of this whole story is that Jared and Shannon, not to mention NIRVANA, Courtney Love and Foo Fighters too, have all seen the genius in me as an artist in the time BEFORE I had powerful tools like this AND had the foresight to be able to know "Take this person and combine powerful tools, money, agency, freedoms, and we'll have something worth investing in. So let's invest now before anyone else figures it out". And that's true about many more aspects of my work than just mediums like midjourney.
Like that's the magic of their insight into me which I know they have, and that's the story behind this long lawsuit process over the years too. It's an investment to do a lawsuit, but yes it does pay — yet the real payoff is my safety and ability to produce this important art that I'm creating about NIRVANA (and more). Fact is, it's my opinion that Ayahuasca originally informed NIRVANA and Courtney about me and my potential. So they were the OG's of being people who realize that investing in me before anyone else scoops me up is the way to go. In fact only through these investments of theirs will it be possible for me to manage, though that's also because I followed Ayahuasca's advice to invest in them. It's not just me that's put so much into them — it's also the other way around.
And I noticed that Jared has taken such a shining to NIRVANA. He loves them. Who doesn't? But with Jared it's something very special. I could tell he's really precious about his relationship with them. To the point where I think he may have gotten in on their secrets about me. Which would be the reason why he hired my enemies onto his staff. Because he wanted a piece of the pie of NIRVANA as I jokingly call it. See, I have a saying "Everyone wants a piece of the pie of NIRVANA's outrageous fame and success, but few know how to go about getting it". Which is funny as a comedy of errors haha with so many masses of people doing it all wrong (lol). But Jared and Shannon are some of those very few who are doing it right, because they earned NIRVANA's trust and gained the chance to support them. Cause yeah it is controversial for NIRVANA to outwardly support my work when my entire statement is that Kurt Cobain is alive. And I think they could use help but would trust only very few.
So like when I put this art out, the interesting thing is looking back on my old art. Some might say only now has my art escalated to such a visually stunning level, and that's true. But it was stunning before as despite the mediums being more dull, the intelligence behind it was just so through the roof that it even carried somehow anyway !! Like The 64 CARDS haha. That's such a minimalistic boring looking design (lol). And my drawings with graphite (lol). They're genius, they really are, but no one thinks much of graphite artwork (lol). I was doing it on purpose. It was supposed to be about how one should look deeper into things and not judge things on a stereotypical basis. Have a stronger mind towards things. Some of the greatest masterpieces initially shocked and disturbed the audience and gained no respect.
That reminds me of my early weird art project I did about Jared back in 2019. 15 second videos that would rush through huge volumes of information so fast that there's no way anyone would be able to register what was in there by just letting it stream (lol). And I was posting these to social media where no one pays attention to things at all hardly (lol). And the lit thing about it was that it was actually the most GENIUS statements made there — literally artwork of great implication that will resonate through time so well (lol). It was a diamond hidden, only available to those who look deeply and who are willing to witness things for what they are in full rather than glaze over reality. It was a challenge and a confrontation against the idea that people aren't worth paying attention to.
And who was paying attention to me back then? Courtney fucking Love. Of all people and she's such a famous person!! When no one cared much about me in those days, Courtney did. She was ongoingly pursuing my comments giving tons of likes and comments back just like 30STM is now, but I was not a Courtney Love fan page or anything special (lol). I had not done anything to deserve any special attention from her as far as I knew. She was the first star who connected with me on social media and I thought "Well if she responds to me she must respond to everyone cause I'm not doing anything to stick out at all". But no she does NOT respond to anyone. And I thought I was just a weirdo with some of these strange 15 second videos. And she of all people would have cared what they meant and used the 16 KEYS codex in there to look up the meanings and contemplate each scene and grasp these high level statements.
Well that's 30STM. And that's why this staff member of theirs and all this brujeria is completely ass backwards and inside out about how they are viewing this. If they think there's any possibility that I could somehow fail and therefore lose this job by failing, they don't have the first clue already. Their idea that even they have a job is ass backwards (lol). Plus they think they can put me to work on a job to prove myself for something 30STM already knows I'm worthy of and have me fail at it?! LOL. At least it's funny to laugh at them. That's how I cope.
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