As I write this, I'm 5 days late on the rent with not a penny towards it. That's late to be a month early, because that's always when it's due in my mind, so that I won't die of stress every month — and you see just how good I am at being on time for a due date. This month I was sick and working much less as a result for over 5 weeks, which is my "excuse" in my mind, although it's not about excuses for me, so much as the need being so real. I really need the rent a month early or else I will be very stressed out. I already am right now.
Today, I'm completely rewriting this entry. I've decided to focus on my manifestation technique of aligning this with stars. I'd say all my favourite stars are 100% with me on the importance of the rent, but the only question is when — on time or late? (lol) (sweat). Miraculously, I've always had the rent intime for when the landlord expects it since I moved here in 2021, and no question that all my favourite stars would be into that — since it's very real that my landlord would immediately evict me for being late at all. In order to preserve my safety, I know they would all be involved in this manifestation and would love to take credit somehow on any spiritual level for that if they could reasonably say it.
But don't they care about my emotional need to have it early in order to lower stress? The way my income comes in, it's very up and down — so patchy. It's impossible to feel emotionally safe counting on it being really on time for a real due date. It was smart of me to try to always have it a month early. That really has lowered stress for me and built credibility with my landlord when I've been on time for a month early. I haven't easily understood why this goal is hard to manifest. For me, this triggers my trauma and brings up painful emotions — feeling being unloved and less than fully respected.
But I try to think positive. Here's what I'm working on to cheer myself up, for a positive way of picturing how I could manifest this by aligning with my favourite stars. Imagine this picture : Say if they could see what I'd been going through all this time as the rent started slipping later and later from a month early consistently, what would they feel? They would be starting to get really sick and tired of it by now, viewing my stress levels getting worse and worse, and this is starting to really get on their nerves. They worry for me too much, and they're finally on their last straw here. This is their wit's end now that I'm so upset that I have to cry for help to the universe — posting this here while assuming no one will even read it. This brings a tear to their eye when they see I feel so all alone — so unmet in my needs. It's hyper tragic.
In concern, they analyse this picture of how I've orchestrated this a month early each month and they see this : I've taken an income which is really unstable and all over the place, which tends to slip at alarming levels (of course at the worst time too, but when is it a good time?) and tried to align a new sense of a due date to accomodate — but now THAT due date is just as unstable because of the nature of my income. They think, the same would be true if it was 2 months or 3 months early if I had a good reason for that. They realize having it a month early, though probably wise with the landlord, is not a solution for stress if the income being patchy is the real source of the problem.
So they think this : She needs a new stable source of income, at least for the rent. She needs some kind of a monthly, reliable money added to her income. Now of course, I've always wanted that within my business as a counsellor, but by the nature of running a business, that doesn't work. No one's reliable, that's the thing. What I've found is that individuals are reliable for giving me money — at the time they feel like it. And they often feel like it to commit to routine future payments, but it's only then that they would pay — not in the future payment time. Creating consequences for them to not paying only makes things worse.
They often do keep coming back as consistent clients — but at that key time, you see — WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE PAYING, not when I need it. I've come to actually make being unattached about this issue with them a big way to make myself appeal. That was a way to mature how appealing I seem as a counsellor to buy into.
Long story short, this business sucks for me in that way. I need a new line of work. And I think the stars would definitely want that for me too. Now, there is another post about that in the manifested items section about this — new hair with the dream of a new career as an intermedia art consultant — but I could even go more into this actually. It would seem constructive to write a diary entry about all my favourite stars and why each of them would rather I'd be an intermedia art consultant than an intimacy counsellor (lol) — although it should go without saying I think (lol). Hahaha. I think it's obvious, but just for fun it would be healthy I think to write that out.
But there's more too. When struggling to get the rent over a longer, more drawn out period, I'm forced to put aside other dreams. Many of these other manifestation dreams would mean a lot to them, and just saying a manifestation is "getting the rent out of the way so that I can get this or that" is OK. I do consider the rent part and parcel to most other things, in that way. Especially right now. I've bought enough special treats now. I just have to ground out. But one more thing too about that as well : It also seems that I shouldn't feel guilty for having bought myself something nice if that money seemed designated to the manifestation of the dream. If I actually start emotionally regretting the belief that that money was for that dream, I will start feeling bad about myself and that taints the manifestation success.
So I look forward to taking this post and shifting it into the manifested items. Once I have a stable income where I can just designate my rent consistently right out of it on a monthly basis, along with my loan payments (which have harsh penalties for being late, like $50 extra on every payment from now on just for one time being late), and other bills which are just needed, it will be very nice to put those up as manifested dreams forever. Like now permanently that will never again be on the dreams list, it will always be "dreams do come true".
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