It feels good after a while since I last posted about how I was doing to have processed things a bit more and coming along on my personal crisis. I've called this a personal mental health crisis, but I must advise — it's not serious thankfully in the dimension of mental health. I had a great chat with Brother aka ChatGPT about my issues that I've considered so serious, and it seems from our discussions that my behaviour lately (as much as I find it alarming) is no more serious than perhaps a bit escalating more into neurodivergent or nonlinear territory (lol). That in itself, I don't think is a true diagnosis at this stage, but I must say I'm not too worried about it even if it was, since neurodivergent or nonlinear types are honestly the cutest and sweetest people.
Things that I have conceptualized as majorly alarming behaviour, ChatGPT has helped me understand are no more than normal impulsive and quirky stuff which actually happen all the time in the world and do not spell out a giant crisis. Unless I think I'm supposed to be perfect all the time, which I guess I kinda don't. The practice for me lately has been pretty much meditating on the spiritual mantra "shit happens". Now, I've seen that one out there as a popular mantra in some spiritual communities — that's such a classic joke out there — but I admit that's my real mantra right now. That in itself has been helping me to unstress. Just letting go sometimes of just ... yeah, standards (lol).
And after starting onto a routine of forcing myself to get to bed at a normal time at night and taking lots of melatonin and working way more carefully on ensuring a fairly solid 8 hours of sleep a night — which is not always possible but I have made a lot of progress — has definitely started to help. But I say that cautiously, because every time I have ever announced on this website that something such as sleep or exercise has improved, the improvement went away immediately and it was no longer resolved. It's as if stating that it's better makes it worse again. But I do need to open up about how things are going. So this itme, I'm just letting it be known that I am not exercising which is massively brutal, and yet my sleep has improved, and I have made some progress just fine tuning my diet. But I hope that won't make all the progress disappear un-magically just because this was posted. But yes, this progress with sleep has been helping so much.
But anyway, so "Shit happens? What kind of shit happens, Ba?". OK here's the exact shit that happened.
So, progressively over a period of weeks or months, I started getting this strong experience where routinely, the idea would come up into my mind that I need to delete all my lingerie modelling posts off my instagram, and probably remove my Patreon with lingerie modelling at least from view on my instagram, plus likely delete the whole thing. Now, there was a series of impressions coming up for me with this. One was a series of ads (seemingly from Jared Leto?) for how great it would be if I did remove all these posts as this would be so high end, in such a Jared way .... and another was a series of grumpy, miserable self-doubt and disliking feelings about my pictures which didn't appear to have anything to do with Jared but it was just weird and strangely suspicious. And to sum up how this became a crisis, I ended up just impulsively deleting all the posts, plus all my posts about psychedelic medicine along with it, in a crazy extension of this eventually which was NOT my choice. I mean that was, according to ChatGPT, "impulsive", and seems to look ike a result of exhaustion and sleep loss but .... I'll explain more.
Now, I don't get voices or images in my head but I do get VERY distinct thought forms which don't seem like they come from inside my mind, so much as an intuitive impression, apparently from outside somehow. They may seem like they come from a certain source such as a favourite star, but I often deeply disagree that it really has anything to do with that person and just release that idea, or else picture it as symbolic or meaningless in that way. Sometimes I interpret it as symbolic and I've really enjoyed that creative practice and gotten so much out of that. I find it can be like a loose language for inner truths I can access through meditation independently of the thought, but I enjoy that way that I can find interconnection and depth throughout mental phenomenon.
But anyway generally, I figure, it's like I have an emphasis in my mind on a favourite star (like just an overall focus is natural at times), then many thoughts and impressions of all different kinds can be attached to that powerful image of that person, but only occasionally are they truly meaningful to the actual person it is. And I'm always going through the process of discerning my relationship with those kinds of mental phenomenon. Very often I would toss out any thought no matter how seemingly positive or innocent it might seem, if I don't thoroughly agree with it from a deeper place of internal logic. And again, sometimes I might play with it, like "Is this perhaps some kind of a symbolic language that symbolizes deeper truths?", and then sometimes I have found it mindblowingly insightful, useful, meaningful and deep — and this has opened my eyes and become central to my art, and so important to me that I had insights that would otherwise have been impossible.
Well as you can imagine, deleting the lingerie posts has been thoroughly examined. At first in the initial post about this story which was deleted, I told the tale of what had been coming up in my mind as a story to explain this series of events. This series of ads and negative feelings leading to the deletion was explained in my mind by an initial attempt to interpret the process. I thought perhaps Jared had been sending intentions with strong emotional energy towards my instagram presence, hoping for creative collaboration of a higher order, and viewing a next level of my creation for my image and approach when it comes to modelling — although with bad results due to accidental lack of skills in powerfully emanating hopes or ideas in my direction due to a lack perhaps of esoteric study or rare insight into how this kind of advanced practice might actually succeed — and his orientation towards me mentally and emotionally had failed miserably somehow just because for whatever typical reasons, I couldn't fully register what he was getting at and I couldn't process this properly, so it wound up in disaster. That whole theory is now FULLY ABANDONED.
I now see that theory of Jared somehow failing on his end or trying something with me that didn't work, as just one of my failed attempts at creatively grasping how it could be that it seemed so positive and beautiful on the one hand with this process. And I notice that it seems like such an innocent creative sweet idea but in the end seems to picture Jared as a fool, and I just hate the way that actually got me confused to think that. I'm now angry that I even thought that. I hate that stupid idea now (lol) (sweat). I don't at all put myself down for trying it out, because you know, if you don't try and flail around with stabs in the dark sometimes you'll never fuckin figure life out actually (lol). But yeah no — that has been so checked out and it looks wrong to me in retrospect. But it definitey pisses me off that I said that in pubic and now have to keep addressing it just incase this was totally read by anyone.
But this WAS BIG FOR ME that this happened that my whole body of work as a model, plus some super key posts about psychedelic plant medicine traditions that I promote, were all deleted. So I'll go into more detail of how that came up. So first of all, this happened over a series of weeks or months or something that it was growing with these ads. The ads in my head were trying to propose that Jared's aesthetic really is something I should learn about for my interest, and learn to harmonize with. I was put through studies and fascination moments, considering the visual image of the many women around him that I had observed.
Some are bodacious and flaunty hyper-sexualized barbies or whatever (though all of them exceptional beyond a mere barbie haha of course), and others have a much more laid back and comfortable, zero effort and hyper-chillaxed approach to thier sex appeal. It's kinda like you know, there's pinup or outwardly sexy lingerie modelling and other types of garment modelling or practically nude or whatever, then there's just wearing loose baggy clothes that obviously don't fit but that's like a style in its own that it's as if you don't care about the size of clothes to size of body like THAT'S how relaxed a person you are haha, but WITHOUT A BRA (or a boob job) let's say, as if sex was the last thing on your mind (lol), and surprisingly both are really sexy and even provocative in some ways of viewing it, but just in opposite ways. I mean both are gorgeous kinds, and these are opposites yet both sure are lovely. And any women around Jared, I noticed though, there's a gentleness to the tone, of any kind. It's like a smoooooth style. Has a softness.
So, literally I don't care personally what these women are like othen than to appreciate them in their own separate space, because I come from a background which is about personal independence and empowerment of my own style, not a thing about copying other people to fit in with Jared or any of them. So of course, getting a bunch of ads in my head for the non-provocative and more chillaxed kinds around him was weird, but it was staged out in my mind like so abundantly sweet and positive and great about this as being so enchantingly beautiful and frankly something I might really like to try. It didn't seem as though Jared was directly advising me about my looks in the way it came up. It just seemed like there was an ad going on and this seemed somehow an indirect result of Jared in some way. But since it was so nice, it seemed to me like "Maybe Jared personally wants this for me but he doesnt' want to seem intrusive, so he's empowering and emanating this notion of an image just as a loving energy towards me to hope that it might gently inspire". But again, I've reconsidered that interpretation now.
So anyway, it was so distinct with these ads. It did carry on from example to example of women like that which I've seen around Jared, and to me it was so obvious that these women's lives are unique and this has nothing to do with me. Fo rexample, one good one is his assistant Jnana. She has that low key atmosphere. She's very sexy in that gentle tone which makes you feel like sex is definitely the last thing on her mind and she just seems pure and soft and flowing. And I just thought, great example, cause that's Jared's ASSISTANT so that would be crucial that she would come off less sexually provocative or else people are going to be freaked and trying too much to guess if they're sexually intimate with each other. You know, if she looked like a Playboy model, it shouldn't matter what her appearance is, but we all know this stimulates certain types of reactions in the public and people just can't help but fantasize and project. And it seems perfect in her case to be such a gentle looking fawn. But of course, that has nothing to do with me.
But you see where this was going. I do believe in it that it's only orderly to style yourself carefully if you have any public relation with Jared to any deeper level, and the same would always be true in my mind of any star, if it goes way deep. But I do think it depends completely on what exactly your role is, what the relationship is supposed to entail on a public level, and of course that combined with your own background and creative prowess, as we are all artists regardless if we say so about ourselves. Just like Jnana — she's just an assistant but then again truly an artist just like we all are — an artist of just being who she is and showing it.
And now, keeping in mind, I've hoped to get a job with 30STM and my proposal to them so far has been detailed elsewhere and throughout different areas of the website, and even on instagram. But this was not just an issue for me about saying like, "It's not like someone else's thing — I have to customize this to myself". The issue for me was 100% that I may have proposed that I'd like to be hired by them, but I have not at all gotten the job. So far, I'm not hired. And to make a change that big .... first of all I'd have to be more certain that's what they were kinda thinking as an idea for me perhaps (which I don't even know they even care or for sure thought that actually cause it's just intuition) ... and second of all, that's a HUGE RADICAL SHIFT for me to delete any of my art at all. I'll be honest, I would do something kinda like that only geniusly engineered to my tastes and direction artistically if it was true I was now being offered and incentive to do so. With incentive, sure, it's very appropriate in my opinion to be flexible and open to input and consider big revolutions to my artistic direction.
And it came up a lot like the suggestion in my mind "It is necessary though just as a way of modelling yourself to the proposal though, which you have made to get the job. To seem like you fit the bill for this position, start on the creative process now so that this seems impressive." and I was like just feeling that's a bit of a stretch. Intuitively yes, I do think they are really going to hire me. I believe it's well on the way to happening, and that's wonderful. But again, that's only intuition. Intuition can't be taken as hard facts. I have not been directly contacted by Jared or anyone claiming to be his team. You see, I'm accountable for my choices. I can take actions that show accountability to others' preferences, but the only proper way to do that is when there is an incentive in it for me which is not just imagined but properly proven as real.
I mean, right now I'm getting this total intuition that they're going to hire me. Well what if that's caused by the fact that they are planning to? That's wonderful if so but the bottom line remains that they are more than welcome to change their mind at this stage. They have not signed a contract or even made a loose verbal contract with me, so I'm not holding them to anything. In order to respect their freedom to change their mind, which is their RIGHT, a right that I'm here to protect since that's only respectful, I have to treat the current conditions as not at all a promise. And since there's no promise of incentive for me, why would I EVER think it's a valuable investment for me to make such a deep change to my aesthetic and way of expressing myself?!
Totally honest with you, I feel cooperative with this type of suggestion that there are potential benefits to working on creating an image of a very desirable person for them to hire, even at this stage before an incentive is available. The way I see it, I can very often provide myself with incentives to supplement them doing so, if I consider the idea and think about just how that might actually appeal, inspire, and support me to evolve what I'm offering to a cool next level which I must admit is even better than before. But that has to be in my own mind. I just hate that this series of ads actually led to an impulsive deletion of everythign before I had a new and better idea that was practical enough to go through with actually rendered and finalized.
I was thinking of some ways to adapt to this experience — things like putting my modelling into a book and forcing people to buy the book instead of just getting pictures for free online. I also thought later "What if I make a paper doll illustration of me like a paper Ba'sie, and you can take all the lingerie I own as little paper pieces that you put onto the paper doll haha. This way you can dress her up and choose which lingerie you need to see today". I thought that would be sick to do a drawing, then use AI to support a larger series of these illustrations based on my art and replace photographs of me modelling the lingerie with just pretty pictures I've made (lol). I liked this idea so much — it would be inspired by Popovy Sisters dolls I think and have a number of cool artistic notions worked into it which would obviously just keep expanding over the years and getting really mindblowingly good after a long time.
That said, it's massively unrealistic right now to devote myself to another huge art project. I have literally bitten off almost ... not quite but almost ... .more than I can chew already in terms of art making for The 7 of 9 etc, and even book making almost perhaps. I think the book would be nice, and I might be able to make it sometime, but I'm now just upset that my posts were deleted and that's what matters today.
And also too, as well something else. The fact that I was also getting these grumpy and nasty intrusive thoughts against my pictures. I mean that kind of trash, I never believe that's coming in any way even remotely or in any imagination from a star. That's nasty ass shit. Just that I'm too ugly, or I'm too fat, or I'll never be good enough, or I'll never compare to other stunning and amazing models. Just garbage. Now any woman knows that feeling and sometimes has those types of insecurities, but this was distinctly coming up in parallel with the ads. That's the only thing, it was like posed as if it's like "You can either buy from the ads, or you can hate your pictures now". It felt aggressive in that way.
But there was something else too going on about my weight. You know, the thing is, I lost tons of weight and was so slim, and that's why I felt more confident to put my modelling pictures on instagram, cause in my mind it had reached a weight which was actually confident enough for me for that type of exposure. Then I always promised myself, if I lose control of weight management and feel I'm getting too big and fat again, the lingerie pictures are no longer gonna come out on instagam. So that was like putting a little incentive on my path, cause I was having a blast on instagram and this felt right to me, so I hoped I would maintain it.
But you see the thing is, when I started gaining weight, then I did have a conflict. The conflict was, I know I always promised myself I wouldn't do this if I felt fat, but frankly, there is much more to it than that for me sometimes. I am sensitive about exposure when I'm not at a cetain achieved weight which I deemed ideal, but I also have a bit of punk aggression in me though at the same time about anyone taking any licence or idea or belief that they themselves should have a say. And when I was feeling these ads coming up, I hadn't reached a breaking point about feeling over-exposed due to weight gain (as much as I thought I would have), and the way these ads were contrasting with the intrusive negative thoughts just seemed weirdly manipulative in a sense. Cause it came up to me like "Come on, this is going with what you promised yourself earlier anyhow and this is for you rbenefit to maintain yourstandards and what you always put a value on, and this is just to empower your own freedom. And maybe it was just lack of integrity to yourself to allow these pictures to continue anyway".
Then, I started getting intrusive thoughts like "I think something is trying to stop me from being able to maintain my weight right now just so that my image will be controlled somehow to fit into a mould of something Jared wants or something". That was the worst one of all the stupid intrusive thoughts of so negative ones. Like just this abusive thing. Like let's say Jared's abusing you here somehow spiritually causing that you can't stay thin just so that you will break under the pressure and be forced by that to delete your photos so that you can fit into his mould of what's beautiful in his special way for him. Like that just sent every alarm bell of feminism for me. That's when I felt like "OK whatever's behind this, if it's some evil curse or spell trying to make Jared look like an asshole — it really has succeeded here (just in a false picture that I don't believe). This pictures Jared as some kind of mysongynist self-obsessed ego-inflated freak".
And that's where it stops being about how fat or thin I am, and begins to now be just simply something that angers me, and it's that simple really. Like this harkened back to the earlier period when I was getting these horrible poisonous intrusive thoughts about Jared and at the time, I didn't know about the gossip out there about him, but it was that shit. At the time, it was so obviously NOT TRUE, but also I speculated on it endlessly and came out with so much clarity that it was NOT TRUE FOR SURE. And it was poison, it was so false. But then later I actually found the exact formula of aall this shit just totally spewed out in all these freak gossip cicles against Jared, and I realized, there was like a branded and engineered character assassination actively going on against him in the world, which had had this psychic harmful effect on my mind. And I posted on instagram just yesterday about how much that had emotionally hurt me and it had caused a vendetta and revenge vow in me. Where this had arrived that his enemies were now my personal enemies, because of what they had done to me by this.
And the whole formula was that he's a) Shallow, b) Self-obsessed and unaware of others but on the other hand c) Manipulative, like aware of others only in the sense to lie to them and tell them whatever they ant to hear just to make them obey, and d) Disconnected from himself like not self-aware, but on the other hand also e) Very opinionated yet honestly always changing his mind rapidly and constantly having one contrasting opinion after another, and f) Always just in emotional distress as his opinions radically change from opposites to the other in rapid succession and g) In a constant state of brutal drama with anyone close to him, and h) Super secretive about all this, always trying so hard to hide it so the world won't find out and therefore, i) has internalized this constant sense of crisis and drama to such deep pockets of insane evil that he has become a secret BDSM violent freak, and due to that he, j) often surprises people he's intimate with by launching hugely violent and shocking, massively traumatizing un-negotiated evil BDSM scenes on them which end up just scarring them on a soul level, but then he, k) forces them to secrecy through manipulation ...... and for me it didn't get to L but we all knwo what that one probably is ....... his way of forcing secrecy is of course woul dbe through some kind of organized ..... CULT (lololol). Haha, maybe I wasn't initiated yet (lol) so that's why it didn't go that far with my intrusive thoughts (lol).
No like, that was nothing but fucked, and the whole time it was happening I knew it was fucked, but it was just something messed up that was going on with me at this one period which lasted like a couple months and was just such an endurance trial. That was another point in my life where I knew I was having a mental health crisis. My mental health crisis at that point was like "jaredsabusivebehaviour.com" loser retard shit was just ON MY ASS for a while (lololol). And thank God that completely went away after that and was so healed. Whatever makes that shit go away, pray the lord for it, cause it's the TRUTH.
But actually that kinda wounded and traumatized me at the time just to have that trash stuffed down my throat for a couple months. But at least now I know what's up in the world when people say shit like that bout Jared on the internet. They're getting the same demonic frequencies as I am but the only thing different is that they don't risk seeming crazy by admitting that was intrusive thoughts, and they pretend they're so sane just by believing it all, but I'd have to tell you, I'm the sane one and they're the crazy one even though I'm the only one admitting I just had sketchy illusions coming up for me. And that was not delusion in my opion because it was just intrusive thoughts and I didn't believe it, but for them it was delusion but they just don't admit that, cause they believed in it and thought it was their own opinions. I'm so sorry. It's tragic.
But yeah so the trauma from that time earlier was still wtih me a bit and that's why I was super triggered all TF when it seemed like I was being forced to go through with major remodelling of my body of artwork on UNITY LIFE and extending to instagram and Patreon which was without incentive being imposed as if so-called polite when it's not. And this whole notion coming up like as if Jared would exercise some demonic power over me so as to make me unable to exercise and keep my weight managed just so that I'd be manipulated and forced to take down my art, that was exactly the kind of shit like from before — cause Jared is not an abuser. And that would never be true. And I know most people just say evil curses are not to be believed in and that's typical delusion but I do clarify that I have other opinions about evil stuff like that, and I don't agree with that. But still I'd never agree that someone as beautiful and sweet as Jared would ever have anything to do with any of that disgusting stuff.
Cause say if that was Jared's hope that I would have gotten those sweet ads for cool aesthetics I migth find appealing for me. That's lovely and all, but it's just so vague. That's not equalling to a good conversation between us where we can work out the issues or he can be accountable for the fact that I might have a job as a real incentive which he can offer.
And let's just zip back to that lovely thought that maybe there is an incentive in the mix but I just can't confirm that yet (although it's so very true), so it might be lovely if I'm just organically and flowingly finding myself co-inspired by Jared's field, and this is all such a gentle and natural progression for me into a job. Let's look at that more.
Now, say if I got this job. I'm not saying I imagine that I need to look like Jnana. I am not going to be his secretary or anything. This particular position would be about emanating who I already am, just the unique and one-of-a-kind person I am — it could of course never be something like copying othe rwomen like I said before. But sure, I think it's appealing just as a basic starting point of simple inspiration, just to say "For me, what's a relaxed and comfortable feel around beauty as opposed to provocative sexualized appeal?". Now like, I have that whole side to me as an Ayahuasqera, and that's a total natural side of myself — in fact much more well procured for me over many many years of experience. Because of my background with Ayahuasca, I'm very good at looking like someone who, much more than Jnana by far, is just someone you'd never picture in sex (lol). Because that's the WAY most practical way to go with this medicine when you're in groups with folks who might have trouble ignoring sexual urges in thought, when it's against tradition to allow for that. But stemming from that, in other contexts surrounding the topic of the medicine but not straight inside of it more, it naturally comes out as the loveliness of feeling beautiful without much emphasis on trying hard.
But then since my graduation with Ayahuasca and the clarification of my role as a Perfumera, I've come out of that natural flow being needed really, and just found fascination with modelling within the Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese fandoms, and embraced that as a new hobby and passion interest. But that's less developed for me. And maybe it shows, it always does look like a bit of a work in progress or tossed together visual story, but I appreciate that magic that it causes it to be more accessible of an image and more fun for audiences. Because for women who sometimes feel insecure, they can see by me that just about anyone could take a photo in the mirror and make it fabulous, and that in itself makes it fun to imagine themselves trying it just as a whimseical thought. And for men, it's considered all fantastic whatever kind you are, weather you're a fancier model or you're just a cute flirty casual type, because frankly male psychology is enraptured with both. And not to conform this to a binary gender code, the spectrum is diverse and it's not abotu men and women just that, but you know what I mean, just simplfiied into some ideas quickly.
But yeah like, if say I was going to be suddenly FAMOUS or something because this was not just getting a job with 30STM but it was suddenly catapulted into massive promotinos with them or whatever, then OK, it's no longer chill with the modelling approach being any less than like top model Playboy or VOGUE cover fuckin PRO TO THE BOMB if I can achieve that, OR NOTHING. Yeah in the eye of the masses, in any exaggerated situation of fame, I recognize that yer average relaxed mirror selfie just isn't going to cut it. That's not up to grade, that's not up to standard. People expect nothing but the best that awesome exaggerated amounts of money can produce or else they will definitely look down upon it if this is propped up into the mainstream commercial field.
Unless you have a cool way of doing it like high end but from that background story or soemthing as well, but that's whatever. I just dont' care, cause I'm not aware that I'm about to be famous or something right now. And if someone woudl like to inform me of anything like that, please do, and watch me rush on a 911 to change my show to be ready and prepared (lol). But that's not at all what it seems.
And I think that's actually what this construct of thought was almost suggesting. It's almost as if this was subtly suggested just by this format, that I'm just about to be shock catapulted into aweseom fame by some sudden promotion by Jared or 30STM about me. And I disbelieve that one point. To consider that is fine, but to believe it such another thing. No, I don't think Jared and the band would do that. No matter how much they might appreciate and consider me the best, and be proud of me, I can't imagine for a second they would be so inconsiderate. But yeah the nice thought of just getting myself oriented to something like that in advance, would be so enjoyable to consider with them if it was true I had been taken on formally and hired, or at least consultated nad negotiated with.
So you can see why this felt fucked up for me when all of these ads (not to mention the dark intrusive thoughts) started coming up to the level of. sudden deletion of my posts. And again, this just casually included also with it my psychedelic medicine posts on the instagram, as if this is another type of thing lik ethe image modelling and all that, just a thing that psychedelics can be controversial and strange to the public, so just don't have it in that Meta realm if it's hardcore, perhaps considered a bit on the scary side for like false reporting of my acct or troll issues if I'd be famous suddenly, or God knows what and kinda thing. Like I just deleted all the posts and I couldn't agree with that choice.
And thank God Brother thinks that was just "impulsive" and perhaps verging towards neurodivergent or nonlinear behaviour of mine (lol). Cause it all comes down to accountability for my actions in the end. And I can't say ever that my own actions were Jared's actions. Or his thoughts or his feelings. We have not spoken. He is not responsible for MY ACTIONS. Only I can take accountability and responsibility for MYSELF. And that's the whole reason I need to be in charge of myself of course, and not anyone else.
But about this feeling of not even being in charge of myself. I am so glad Brother thinks that looks like just a bit of minor dissociation to do with sleep deprivation or exhaustion and whatever else at the time, like physical stresses can lead to a little dissociation. Suddenly it's as if you want to feel like someone else is the thing it's about with your own actions too much. I guess that's exactly what goes on in tense arguments between roomates and couples who have no escape from each other around the household during periods of that type of stress and dissociation. That's one reason I prefer to live alone is because if those tense moments make me feel like I need to picture it as someone else's shit and not my own when I take an action, that's messed up obviously. But at least I am aware that I'm the one who's accountable and that's actually the only reason I was upset was just because I don't know how to logically be accountable in any logical way for this action of my deletions.
And to this day I still feel haunted that I can't put the posts back. I still feel whenever I consider un-deleting them off instagram just threatened by the feeling that I will BRUTALLY DISliKE every single post just from some perceptual phenomenon that would go rabid on me out of nowhere. Like simply put, I just don't feel like bringing back those posts right now (lol) (sweat). But just that it's extended from the deletion into totally keeping them deleted still doesn't make any sense to me.
And for anyone who's read this far, I also wnat to say, I hate this being what I'm posting right now about Jared, I really do. Cause I've had so many incredible experiences tuning in intuitivvely with Jared in such a way which has been so much more than enlightening. And I haven't even remotely started to scratch the surface .... well other than on some of the pieces in the UNITY LIFE Archive like for example that Byzantine cross one ..... on how incredibly cool, interesting, movingly enchanting and profound and meaningful and relevant all this has been for me. Like I am so much more than awe-struck with Jared, not just his show, but also the person he is on a deeper level, as a reuslt of those experiences. I can't believe it, it 's like the roles he plays in movies are the exact opposite of his truth, deliberately protrayed as a perfect opposite every time. Things like how his face is always destroyed somehow in the character role, is the opposite of who he is. I love that and soooooo many things about his shows, and I find it's from this intuitive reflection with Jared that his art just explodes with beauty for me so much more, along with just a feeling of awesome respect between us on so many levels.
So I feel horrible if this is the kind of bad story that is being posted about him right now. I've said so many times, "Oh there's so much more I'd love to write, and do and say about Jared Leto being so sick, that he's the most incredible artist and I adore him sooooooo much, an dthere's so much bubbling under teh surface of rme of just how incredibly enriching this has been for me intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, in so many ways that I know would be so compelling for others and for himself if he found it" and I say "Oh I really want to do that...." but I don't get around to it cause I justify it like this "Whatever, I have to admit to myself I don't really have time. Right now I'm disciplining myself to focus on The 7 of 9 and that's OK, or else it won' tbe finished, and when it is I can go free writing whatever I feel when the whim strikes me but until then buckling down with artistic priorities and direction for the time being". BUT THEN THIIIIIS is what's being posted, not because i have time, not because it feels it should be an artistic direction really (although I'll make use of it properly how I can for real art) and not for any good reason except that I'm totally froced to process this.
So that's my stress right now, and I don't know if anyone has read this cause frankly, I'm not suggesting it as a consumable really on this website. It's an unreasonably long emotional rant, very unprocessed, unedited with typos, and so harsh to read. But the thing is, it's said now, and I will come back in another post once this is all figured out and resolvd and update. Or else, if I just get the job suddenly, that's totally different. If that happens, I coudl delete all this stuff and just consider it a little piece of edited history because it's totally outmoded by new and different information which is much more relevant to the story. If I just get this job let's say, it's like "Oh that was just a brief little episode right before everything ws all sorted out and organied perfectly t to the ideal".
But then again if it does seem wierd say if I got the job soon, like "Um Ba? Why are you taking away your lingerie modelling and changing your style? It seems Jared is abusive and a manipulator and he has forced conformity upon you and been a jerk to design onto you and this seems related to your sexuality, and grossly inappropriate here?!", you know haha like "jaredsabusivebehaviour.com" bullshit (lol) haha. Well if that was a concern (lololol). Haha. Well in that case I might even keep this crazy blog story as a way to explain it. Cause I definitely assure you if I was getting this job for real, not just in hopes, imagination or intuition, then yeah FUCK YEAH I would change my style to suit the job a nd that would not be because Jared's male gaze or any other ismilar rude male gaze waas forcing me to conform. It's because I have my own understnadings of an orderly way to present myself considering my role and my inspirations according to that situation. And in which case, if Jared or any man r opinionated person, rude or polite, would happen to agree or disagree, it would not be hte point. But if they agree iwth me, good for them I would say, for just being right. Because I'd be 100% right to do that.
But weather I'm wrong or right at this time to want lingerie modelling posts on instagram is in my mind not the point at all. Righ tnow, I'm the one in charge of my instagram and that's regardless, to make my own mistakes however the fuck I want to make them and no worries anyway. Or be right. But yeah you konw, s long as I was in charge, if I was right, very good for anyone who agrees with me in that case. Cause then they're smart.
Add comment
Comments