Reviewing The Experience of Crying For Help And The Results So Far

And I'm sure that's going to be visible in how I come across in public about anything to do with these stars. If the lustre and quality of the emotional depth of the relationship is not really there for me, it just doesn't have the same shine. So I might do less, I might continue to do some but in a different way, but it is in a damaged state now.

Like, as for stars like these beautiful artists who provide so much entertainment, there's a lot to the relationship that truly is just about selfish receiving. And most of the world treats it only as that, just selfishly receiving gifts from them and not giving back because that's not expected whatsoever. And my "giving back" has always been designed as supposed to benefit both me and them simultaneously so that it's not imbalanced as if I'm working for free on a project for someone without pay when I shouldn't have to. It was always for the joy of doing the art. But again, that joy really isn't going to be the same anymore until these problems are resolved, so it's probably going to be downgraded to just some nice things where I'm enjoying things in a small way but not in a larger way. 

Like I find it truly enjoyable to appreciate music for example, but in terms of a sense of serious ambition to actually be cutting edge in terms of offering fandom resources that excel beyond the norm and really shine with originality and value in such a way as to be truly exceptional ... this requires passion. It's like that passion, if it's not there emotionally, I cannot feel the same attachment to those kinds of pursuits honestly. 

And it is more than just an artistic calling and a passion. It is something that I have been sent to do by Ayahuasca for my path with the medicine and to live my life to the fullest as I know has always been my true destiny. But when it comes specifically to this relationship with these artists, I still know that I'm fulfilling my destiny just as much by purely being honest about this damage in the relationship which I'm experiencing. And I believe that's something that they will actually take seriously always, and they will appreciate that I've written this part because it shows why they are reaching out to respond to this call, for whenever they do. It's a good reason, it's to prevent damage to this relationship not just emotionally but in the way that affects the art. 

And in some of these writings, I've been exceptionally honest about my views on the relationship and things about my opinions of what's even going on between us that most people would surely think is in my imagination. Which is mainly to explain how it's honest that I don't blame them but also I don't feel I'm asking too much of them. And I had to really stick my neck out and put myself a little bit at minor risk by being so honest, knowing that so many people would just simply not be able to understand at all or relate. Like so much of what I've explained here is just point blank FULLY MAKES NO SENSE to so many average people based on average common knowledge (lol). It's not just that most people lack knowledge of me personally and my unique relationship to these stars what it might entail, it's also that they lack knowledge of legal stuff that most people don't know, plus actually alot of things about the media and commercialism and stuff. 

Like legal stuff, I've said that this is actually a legal situation when these stars support me that that is in order to protect their investments for the media, which has to do with trade secrets about investments and how the investment process even works. And when I talk about lawsuits being necessary and happening as part of this, most people don't know about that stuff. They really only know what's taught to them on the headlines of the news and they do not have the understanding that there are legal things going on which aren't part of that. Nor should they really be expected to. But I can teach someday in a beautiful way about it if I get this support I'm looking for and that will be so beautiful. 

But right now since it's not that time to explain those matters in a way for most people to be able to even begin to process that, that equals speaking publicly here in a way that's not really that comfortable for me to be honest, except to address these stars. But I trust that that vulnerability that it requires for me to be honest about what I believe is going on and how I perceive their motives and their level of concern really is necessary or else this is not properly documented. The purpose isn't so much to document it for right now, it's to have it as a historical record for reference for later, once they do respond. This just helps show why they responded so that people can be able to understand it later when they do.

Like when they respond, that proves that it was valid somehow what I'm saying — but until then it's just risky for me to talk this way in public really. Cause you never know, the average person can be pretty rude. Plus also I've got assholes who are against me and trying to run up schemes against me and they will take advantage of that. They will, they'll fully always try to weaponize the fact that people don't understand a lot of stuff I've said here, and they don't know what to make of it, so they could be easily manipulated and confused, leaving me defenceless to explain. Because it's not actually my job to explain myself to every person how the world works or how the media works, it takes too much time. And that's really why most people aren't that open about themselves in public. 

But I think it's fine, cause generally I know I'm a lot more accountable for what I say and do than most people are anyway. I see the average person acts out of integrity and in such a way that isn't at all accountable for what they're projecting to the world, but no one usually calls them on that, nor should they, cause it's not even that serious. So if people are really going to give me serious shit just for any of these beliefs that I have about lawsuits and legal situations and media and investments and what makes something a necessity and all that, and dynamics, and why they even care about me this much as I think they do ..... well they can go to hell, cause they don't hold other people accountable to explain and teach it all out so why me? I guess it's discrimination if the average Joe just gets away with anything and I can't get away with this. 

But I'm totally done on this blog though, and you can see why. I feel it's all been said. It's real true, some of it could have been explained in higher definition or with more better explanation or more well illustrated and with examples and longer, to make it even more clear. But I've just gotten the idea that it's been enough for these stars to understand what I mean, and that's what it's about. And later if they answer my cry for help with support, I can DEFINITELY THEN explain it better. What I'll do at that point is go over all these blog posts and re-state what the things are specifically that came out that I feel they were concerned about the most, and render those into really clear, professional teachings that can be very beautifully expressed for the public, as a resource, in such a way that anyone could understand. 

And some of those explanations will be just the basics, just basically what they saw the real problem was which defined it as an emergency. But others will be just interesting as complex, advanced resources about legal activism and legal processes that have been underlying all this just as something more of a visionary artistic info resource just for splendour's sake. Frankly the latter is the more valuable part but they both have their value. This whole idea that it's like a cry for help in emergency leading to saviourship or just support from love, whatever you call it, or heroism, rescue whatever the term .... that's a frill. It's a frill extra bonus piece for a sensation piece. It's from truth but it's not something that is easy to put as central art really. Cause if I'm rescued, beautiful that's great, but the question remains "Why me and not others when they too are in need?". There needs to be an explanation of that actually or else it makes it seem like it's kinda not fair. 

It is actually not fair, that's all it is. I'm lucky in that I have this relationship with these stars which other people DO NOT, but I'm unlucky in the sense that my life sucks and needs to be rescued by them. People might be jealous of me but only one part or another of my situation, not the whole situation because overall my situation sucks. No one would realistically want to be me. It's not true that I'm symbolic of everyone just automatically. I'm different. The situation is incredibly unique. When they do support me, I'll present this story of why they did on this basic level why it was a real emergency but that situation is realistically such a larger story of why they'd even care in the first place that I was in an emergency.

The reason they care is actually to help themselves in an idiosyncratic way which is something about the media that most people don't know about which is just for their own best interest. Not because they're selfish, but because they just take care of them and their own to the best of themselves (which is for the best of all, for everyone to benefit from their wellbeing), and I'm part of that. I just happen to be a part of their best interest and what they need for themselves. And by that fact, we've become very close and known each other as family. And that is what family is. It's people who are dependent on each other. Like say twins you know? Twins at birth. They each depend on each other's wellbeing. If harm comes to one, that harm comes to the other. If your twin actually like ended up on the street or got horribly scarred or something, you still have to live with that even though it wasn't your job to care. 

And I'm not saying I'm the only one they care about that much in their lives. Of course there are others who are also family to them. But it's just that I'm among that group for so many of them. I'm like a part of the family, or like a twin. 

And yesterday I got a spiritual message mainly from Krist Novoselić but also others, and this had been a culmination effect of multiple spiritual messages leading up to this one. And the message was, I got it finally explained enough that the problems in my job are really a serious emergency, and now it's done enough that because of this they will respond. But nothing really changed. That message was nice to hear and it came through in a way that felt very formal and I appreciated all that was communicated about the type of response it will be, what they are planning to do, and why they are planning on explaining their reasons were of why they did it. But again nothing changed just because I got that message. the situation was still so bad. And I know it's only one day since I heard that. They might respond later just after a while once they're done planning it out and getting ready. But in the mean time everything sucks. 

So I just had another really bad day, once again not able to work cause I just wasn't feeling well enough and I couldn't get well. Here's the reality I'm facing right now. It's quite likely that I won't be able to pay the rent this month. I might get evicted from this apartment. If that happens, I have 2 options : I can stay at my Dad's on the sunshine coast which is a small community with no economy, no jobs and no options but I will have a private room there. But my health will go downhill cause I have no money for proper food. Then as a better option, I can stay in the city where there's jobs and stuff, at my friend Yang's house. And we will not be having sex, but he will be happy to share his room with me which to him is romantic even though there's no sex, cause Yang's just a unique rare guy of that nature. And I could actually believe in that as romantic cause I do appreciate that relationships can be asexual and still romantic, but that doesn't take away the fact that I need privacy. Because I will have no privacy and no room to myself and that doesn't work for me. So that's OK but only temporarily cause I require SOME privacy. So I will get a job and from there get a room somewhere. 

If I get a full time low paying job, I can afford a small room somewhere in the city, but I will not have the time to continue pursuing the arts. So my life will not involve the arts anymore much, and I will be just living a life of barely getting by. 

Or else one thing is, I could live at Yang's half the month and my Dad's half the month, so that I have privacy half the time, and just barely sketch by with only making money in the city half the month just by providing the services I offer now only at other locations, which believe me is very dangerous and I don't feel comfortable with that safety risk or that lifestyle really. To me that's too dangerous and sketchy of a job and I don't want that life. But my expenses would be lower because I'm not paying rent anywhere. I might just even do that for a very short time perhaps just to make ends meet while looking for a job but that's it, and I'll probably find a low paying job in this city. 

But anyway, regardless, of all these 3 options I still lose my motorhome no matter what, which would be a wonderful extra privacy for me anywhere I stay except at Yang's I cannot park the motorhome. There's no parking for it at that condo. And parking it at my Dad's is possible for $200 a month but I wouldn't be able to afford that, plus that's without power hookup so it's not a place I can stay inside all year round at all, but I can keep the motorhome then. But I cannot even pay $200 a month for that on the coast, cause there's no jobs on the coast. 

So it might be as bad as I think or there might be some better solution to what happens if I get evicted. But my landlord is the type of landlord who will evict me immediately if I don't pay the rent ontime. So I'll be evicted right away if it's not paid, and it's not looking like it will be probably at this rate. And if I pay it, great. That's what I have to do. But that's my situation and I'm no longer going to provide updates about all this here unless it's just a public update that my life is changing a lot in a major way to let everyone know like family and friends that I'm evicted, or I have a new job and everything. 

Because I've said enough. I think they will respond to all of this. Even that last part about what will happen if I get evicted was probably not really necessary but it's just a bonus, because it's also a fair consideration just to understand that me producing art continually is really important. You know, like i might stabilize eventually after a year or two searching for options and figuring out a way to wrestle out getting more time for art, and in a lot of cases in my life the branch has put up with me not making art for long periods of time and they've been OK living dry like that, but still the situation remains harsh. Especially because of the momentum I've been developing and just having that come to an end when it was going so well. But also because this could permanently scar the quality of our relationship and scar my soul.

And I provide them all the time with bonus material like that. That's really cool extra bonus material for them to look good as saviours for more reasons of more threat that I explained for them what they will have prevented. I've already helped them enough but watch me give yet another great bonus add-on extra special.

You see, I always do a more than exceptional job at everything I do. I don't just provide incredible resources, I provide a huge HOST of incredible resources, complete with every kind of bonus add-on you could possibly dream. The quality is always so much more than outstanding. This blog is a great example. This is an incredibly extensive blog with an unbelievable amount of valuable information throughout it everywhere, and that information can be compiled and produced into something so mindblowing considering all I've done here. 

I know this blog seems relaxed and casual, but so does Kurt Cobain and the band NIRVANA. You know? They popularized grunge. Grunge is I think a misunderstood music genre. A lot of people misunderstood grunge to be just that you're lazy and you don't feel up to it with fancy outfits, fancy extras, all that kind of a thing. And having THAT be cool just because it's really relatable to feel lazy and a lot of people actually do. But it was not actually about that. It was really about the fact that although our society conditions us to think that things and people and art are not good enough unless they meet up to certain typical standards, that's not even the truth. The truth actually is miraculously that every person and every life is actually good enough they way they are. 

That whole idea that a person is good enough just in their natural state is something often said but not often truly believed in. But it's philosophical. And it's a philosophy I believe in very strongly. In my view, people like Kurt Cobain and the rest of NIRVANA like and Courtney, all the grunge artist leaders, they WERE exceptional and a cut above the rest only because they knew and realized it about themselves that they were good enough just as they are without having to do anything special extra to be good enough. I mean they did a lot of work and really performed, but not like in a fancy way like other fancy polished bands, you know? And the magic of it was, they KNEW that was good enough, and that in itself created the reality that they were MORE than just good enough, they were EXCEPTIONAL. 

I mean without knowing they were good enough, they never would have said things like "We're the best band in the world", iconic things that went down in history and made them legends. It was not just saying an untrue thing makes them a legend (lol). People wouldn't have bought it when they said that but them saying it made heads turn enough to actually pay attention to double check if that was true, and it was. Because their whole band was all full of things like that. It's not just claiming that they're the best, it's also owning that truth and believing in themselves enough to go through with just being themselves naturally in such a way which is in that path of creation of knowing and doing it as the best band in the world on purpose. 

That's what I do. The reason I do that is because Ayahuasca taught me that I'm good enough. Good enough for bands. Good enough for the media. Good enough for NIRVANA. Good enough to even be famous one day. JUST AS I AM NATURALLY, by simply doing whatever I can and whatever I want to do of anything within my ability, which I always do. And I suspect that NIRVANA also did Ayahuasca and got the same teachings from the medicine. Because that's classic of Ayahuasca to teach that amazing thing. Healing is about self-realization and realizing your true nature is good enough naturally. So it does make sense if Ayahuasca taught them that they'd be perfect for the grunge movement as a true Ayahuasca level healing band even just by the genre and it being so easy, all they have to do is have fun and be themselves naturally. 

And grunge is not the only thing I'm into as a style but I just believe in that philosophy. Cause I think this blog is a great example of it. I know it looks like a sketchy blog, but it's actually ultimate quality. When I say that it's more than mindblowing the quality of what I've offered bands like NIRVANA and 30STM and so many others through providing this, I'm not just saying that. That really comes from wisdom and from knowledge of what it is I'm offering. And the average person really wouldn't be able to find that value in this, and if you don't value it, throw it away but fuck off and don't give me your shit about it. Your shit for reading it if you didn't enjoy, and if you don't like it that's your shit and not mine. But these stars I'm talking about will like it. Which is what matters right now. But later I could give it out like in another format just as an easy to process story. 

I think they will respond to the cry for help but I'm done writing more of these. I'm just going to write privately in my diaries instead of in public from now on if I'm upset. And I might actually shift and restructure the main cry for help post a little bit too now that I've looked over this blog and what's here, just incase that informs the main message better. But that's about it.