Note : The artwork below is midjourney art by Ba Adonai.
I'm finally on the mend after a visit to the ER in a stretcher by ambulance for an infection crisis. Obviously, majorly increased cortisol levels from stress being so hugely increased since this blog was started in May (because of the brujeria and of course the other situations mentioned in the blog here) have caused certain infection issues to become way more aggravated and out of control now, to the point of (in one of two such cases) sending me to ER for critical emergency care. That theory that it was ONLY from cortisol and stress, why this got so far out of control or normal range, will be tested further with an MRI soon. But even if there was another underlying cause, it certainly was one factor. However, there is certainly more about my work which has caused me to not seek out medical attention at a much earlier time when I could have done so, before this went to such an alarming stage of emergency.
But first, if you would like more information about what happened to me at the hospital, and the fact that I am working on submitting a professional misconduct complaint about the events there, you can find it at The Health Blog in the 3 posts under August 9th and 10th.
Now, there have been privacy issues about my work preventing me from expressing my fullest concerns about my health in relation to what I do right now. But the time has come in which I feel that I need to explain a little bit more about my business in order to clearly explain that because of it, I was not able to pursue my options of medical care before my condition reached a more advanced stage.
I've called myself an intimacy counsellor because that's a very genuine side of what I do, non-clinically of course. But I've been advertising myself as a healer of "the intimate healing arts", yet actually promoting my services in a place where escorts advertise. Sex is one thing that happens during most, but not all of my sessions. I'm also fully pleased to simply offer my healing services fully clothed and only by talking and sharing space together conversationally, but it's rare that I'm taken up on that offer. I'm also open to talking on the phone as long as it's not phone sex, for a reduced rate, and that is something no one ever takes me up on paying me for. And please note, in Canada where I am, this is not a criminally liable offence for the seller of their own services — me. Also please note, I do not provide any fetish services or any online services such as camming or live sex on phone of any kind, and I have never been in porn. And although what I do is very soft, there are many reasons why this is normally very important to keep it private, so I'm reluctant to share.
One reason for privacy is because I don't want to be a bad influence on people around me who, in financial desperation, may wish to turn to offering sexual services and consider me an example to study. I have, of course, never recommended it to anyone. But I don't like to be an influence of any kind, say if someone saw how well that supported me to rise out of homelessness and poverty even when coming from very stressed and difficult conditions, for example. Another is simply because who I have sex with or how often I have sex, or under what conditions, is private information in general. It does not at all come under a normal heading of "What do you do?" like in terms of a regular fair question to ask someone under regular social conditions. Frankly, it's an inappropriate question to ask someone just off the bat. So that's why I tell my friends and family that I'm a counsellor, and I don't even mention intimacy.
Another reason is because of stigma and condemnation which is often framed and put upon people in my position. And I have a lot I would say in my own defence against so many of the arguments against anyone who offers sexual services, but I do not want to link to my website to prove myself and show what a beautiful thing I'm doing. Because there are legal issues with displaying a link to those kinds of offered services anywhere, even if they are my own. And so anything I say can't really be backed up. But I simply have to assure you that I am an exceptional healer of highest quality who provides non-intrusive and completely healthy and peaceful harm-reduction options with a solid plan for healing, recovery, therpeutic long-term benefit and overall wellbeing strictly only for people already pursuing extremely dangerous options in mainstream places.
And this would never be a service granted to anyone I know from anywhere else, or have even heard of like a famous person for example. And I would NEVER be comfortable causing harm to my relationships with stars by ever offering this service to them in any way, spoken or unspoken of any kind. And I completely trust them that they would never want this kind of service from me.
And I would also never offer this service to anyone who I realize knows any of the stars that I know of and care about either, because unfortunately now 2 people who both said they were from the film crew of the movie Tron approached me asking for my services through this mainstream advertising and told me they were from that staff and knew Jared Leto personally. One of them sent pictures to prove it was that person who I could look up from the film crew. The other I believe does know Jared Leto but not from Tron, but from another movie, and I believe sae is a well-known actor who has worked with Jared on another film not too far from the time of Tron. But when that person said to me they were from the staff of Tron, I believe they meant sae wanted me to feel free to explain that it was part this a weird pattern at the time. Because it was totally part of this pattern. I believe that one lied and said they were actually from Tron itself but the other one was honest. Anyway, it's similar, because they both knew Jared.
And to both, I offered the services initially just like usual, but this made me reconsider it and I decided I would never offer the services. But for both, they didn't end up seeing me in person at all, thankfully, anyway. And I don't think that Jared sent those people to me, but sae may have told them about me and they came to their own conclusions by looking me up. And I'm horrified if this happened, but it's not Jared's fault or mine, but I now have learned that it's harmful to Jared what they did and I want no part in that and I will never let it happen again that I give any inference that I might be compliant with something like that. Because that's bad for Jared's image, because brings it into question just what Jared may have said to them, if he told them what my name is on the escort list just as telling them about me. Because he likely meant it should be assumed that sae is concerned about me being on the escort lists, as that being a terrible thing if sae's said that I'm a wonderful person, but these people assumed it was as if they could just go ahead and find me there to ask for my services because they have no concern. And I have never met Jared Leto in person or talked to sae on the phone or text or DM's.
Now with that explained, I just have to explain what happened with my infections. I have two persistent infections that require medical attention and possible surgery.
One has been explained, which was a recurrent abscess on my buttocks originating about 1.5" from the anus, which I went to ER about recently. Another is just an ingrown hair on my bikini line which is pretty large and has not healed in over a year and needs to be surgically removed by the doctor. Both are simply in a location in which I have not felt comfortable with the risk to my business interests that a surgery there represents. I do not offer anal sex as part of what I offer, but this area having been majorly subject to surgery and large awkward bandaids would be a problem, and also the binki line. I've been covering my ingrown hair with an adorable care bear heart bandaid. It's just a heart shaped bandaid and I feel like it's really cute. It's able to actually literally pass as just decoration and not be seen as a bandaid.
But anyway, just I don't need a large extraction site with large bandaids that make it look scary there. The reason it would be scary is because so many of the men who I see are suffering with paranoia and MAJOR through the roof anxiety and fear, and a large fear is about my integrity even though they are more than soothed by my website and screening / communication process and my beautiful home and clear appearance. They simply worry that I may be hiding a very serious STD. Many of them are not well educated about STD's enough to understand that these areas have nothing to do with STD's technically. But I'm sure this could strike major fear into their hearts, and make them worry and stress, asking me questions. And I would soothe their questions, or make sure I simply address them uncomfortably about it before we begin, but either way this can really interfere with the vibe.
The other concern that I face is that they may write a bad review about me on the escort review board. In the past when I have received fabricated negative reviews, which I assure you are completely fake, it has reduced my business by 75% visibly on the day the review was posted. And the review was not even that bad, but it was just implying that I might not be that considerate of feelings, which is so not true. Frankly it was very crass and rude and harmful, but anyway, the real implications of it were just that I might be inconsiderate. But the thing is, it's just that it seems to me most people have massive paranoia about anything even slightly negative said on those review boards. It's from so much fear that those boards are consulted. So I could mention on my website that I will have these bandaids and it is not an STD in order to prevent a bad review to the boards affecting my income, but that also might affect my income to do so.
So it's unfortunate that my body is under that kind of speculation. That's just coming from an uniformed and fearful place, and now that I've prolonged needed surgery and faced the consequences for that, I see that I have no choice but to expose myself to that in order to protect my health. But I don't want that kind of exposure around my intimate parts of my body.
Also, while I'm at it, I'd like to also mention that the escort review board also poses a MAJOR threat to my sexual safety. The other threat is that in any given session, it has to be VERY demonstrably obviously serious what has occurred by the person's behaviour, in order for me to not give consent for sex. I do NOT have the freedom to not give consent for sex if it's just purely because I am being made to feel uncomfortable by this person like for example if they have started to break my rules by consulting me on my looks, begging me for a sexual service I don't already offer, or being a little too rough with me, or things like that (or even whatever if I'm just uncomfortable). If it seems sortof like it's pretty much "by accident" or not intended harshly, I really face such a serious concern that this person could believe honestly that I have scammed them and report me to the board as a scam fake service which claims to offer sex but does not.
Because the thing is, the intimate healing arts or intimacy counselling and a healing approach as I advertise is really nothing normal in these escort ads, and many people worry immediately that it's a scam claiming to offer sex but which actually isn't. They don't understand why there is sex offered if it's a healing. They don't view sex and healing as going together. They imagine that I might be spinning a lie, just pretending to offer sex when I don't, and these kinds of scams are prevalent. The problem is, many many scams out there totally exist, where they are pretending there will be sex offered but it is not, and all kinds of horrible things happen to the person instead when they arrive. Sometimes, people are held up with weaponry and threats and their money is taken, because it is known that their attempt to access sexual services is illegal so this kind of theft will not be reported. And many are just being deceiving deliberately. So scams are considered a massive paranoia factor.
That's why, if anyone even hinted that they worry I might be a scam in any way, even if it was just an isolated incident of some kind where I didn't feel comfortable, I risk everything if I'd be reported in a review. If one time as a rare case I was not comfortable giving consent for sex, then anyone reading the review about it will think probably at least half the time that's what happens. They will think that I'm asking people over to judge them cruelly just by their looks, and because of their fear that their appearance or something about them will be discriminated against, they will lose the confidence to reach out to me. It's very hard for me to explain that I do not discriminate in such a way that would be believed if there was a review like that out there about me. And I have been clear on my website that I do not discriminate based on these factors like weight, appearance, skin color, nationality or religious background, and even confidence with performance, but not everyone really reads much of the website, because they are not expecting to find information there which is valuable to such a degree, since that's so rare to see out there. Or they are not good at reading.
So I don't feel much liberty around my consent, even with important rules, for the first time. For the second time I can turn someone away if they have broken my rules the first time, but I don't feel much confidence normally to be able to turn people away mid session or before we start.
Also too, when I turn someone out of my home, it still remains that I have set aside my time and prepared myself and my home to see them, and I feel money is owed even for that, or in fact the full amount just for the honour of this connection in any capacity. Because truly in my definition, the money I charge is not for sex. Although sex is understood that it will happen, I don't believe that it's possible to purchase sexual consent. I believe that literally defies the definition of consent. You purchase consideration for giving consent one way or another, to take it into consideration at all. But for me, I prefer to think of it as for the honour of connecting in any capacity, because there is healing to everything that I do, even having someone into my home for a brief time long enough to be told they have to leave. That kind of a teaching is a healing potentially and it should be considered valuable if the person has crossed boundaries and behaved inappropriately in some way and needs to be taught that it's for this reason that even I cannot give my consent here. And so the money really is owed in full in my opinion.
It's simply my policy that I never give refunds, and I believe in that. But the thing is, that can be misintepreted as a scam by anyone who doesn't want to be accountable for themselves. And anything like that said on the review board threatens me greatly.
And most people would assume that it's quite valid to be concerned about STD safety risks involved in this job. And although I take the greatest of precautions always, that's certainly also a slight risk, and I do consider it a bad thing enough that I'd rather not have to face it. It's just that this level of slight risk, or even all the huge problems I've explained above, have all been a lesser risk than the risk to my wellbeing of having to work at a much lower paying job which involves losing my home, my privacy in the choice to live alone, and my investment into my motor vehicle, or the ability to continue paying off my insolvency payments as well. Plus I'd have no time to continue investing into my work as an artist at UNITY LIFE then, for much lower pay, which is actually the most serious risk because pursuing the arts is an important investment. And I'd much rather be insolvent than bankrupt. And besides, it's what's best for my mental health to live alone, because renting a single room in Vancouver will cost me at least $1000 a month, likely sharing space with people I bareyl know or don't know at all. When my place is $1400 a month including utilities to live alone, which I greatly prefer.
So when it comes right down to it, I guess it's true enough that if I'd be offered support to get me out of this position, you might say what I'm getting is just support to not have to throw away the ongoing investment of my time into UNITY LIFE, and not have to live with roomates in such a way as I'd be uncomfortable with, or go bankrupt. And that's what it basically comes down to.
And part of why I explain all these problems just with the physical side of my work is because a lot of people don't consider it a problem to be a sex worker. In many circles and communities it's totally considered something I should be considered socially obligated to pursue, if I know how and I've already been comfortable doing that in my life enough that I'm fully empowered to do so. They consider it totally irresponsible not to. Because people don't think that it's wrong. And I'm not at all saying that 30STM or any of the other stars that I hope might save me by offering me an opportunity would need me to explain all of this in order for them to believe my claims that I am not comfortable with being a sex worker. They would take my word for it without all of this explained. But I do think that if they give me the job I've asked them for to get me out of this, it's best if I'd have recorded it well what my reasons are here, just because of the opinions of others speculating upon the situation.
Cause there are majorly mixed opinions about this type of work. So many people, you'd be surprised, but they are certain there's nothing wrong with it and they think it's obligated to do so in order to have ben able to claim full personal accountability for your financial situation. And others, they think it's the devil to have ever done something like this, cause they believe it's immoral. So as for my public image as someone who may get a job to get me out of this circumstance, I'm just looking at how that looks. And I see it looks good that it was saviourship out of compassion for my situation being horrible, which I think is an awesome thing about it. Considering that I'm very worthy of consideration for the job actually. But they might have to think of a good role for me which I'd do a great job at filling, which is a job unto itself for them, so that's saviourship. And I believe they should get all the prestige associated with saviourship actually if they do come through for me.
So that's one reason why I explain it like that. And another reason why is because also, the situation is worsening and I realized that it's very important that I'd keep thinking about how I feel about this opportunity, considering that I haven't been really very well responded to since I requested the job, and months have passed without much direct response, at least not in detail, and in the mean time my situation has worsened to much more serious emergency conditions. Because the thing is, this post is all about how at the time when I originally requested the job, I was in a danger zone, but in the time that's passed since, things have shot way out of control and become so much more severe. So I have to acknowledge that this shows me that one day, if I still don't get response, I should really cease to be interested anymore at all. And I'm just analysing when that would be.
Now others may not have the same kinds of expectations or needs, but I'll just run you through my current considerations. The truth really is that I wouldn't be interested in working with them anymore if I decided that they do not have genuine compassion for me and have not been doing their best to respond ever since I initially reached out for support. If I eventually feel that they haven't been doing their best to respond as fast as they can to this in a proactive way designed to lead to their offering me the support I need, since the earlier stage in May, I will cease to have an interest.
At this time, I do believe that they have been doing all that they can do to get me this job, while also going to special efforts to try to gain ways to stop the crisis at my work as well and the brujeria, and that it has unfortunately taken them a lot of time because they are working on doing such an exceptional quality of a good "job" on this. I think they know what the position is they intend to offer me and it's just so special that it's taking them a lot of time to get the pieces into place before they can properly offer me that. And I know that they will gain so much from offering me that which they are more than aware of, so I don't feel guilty asking them to work (since it seems to take work on their end) to make this possible. But if I change my mind about that, I will simply lose interest and they will lose the opportunity.
So anyway, due to my extended 7 day period and the major PMS beforehand due to a possible fibroid which I will soon have checked out with an ultrasound, followed by this new infection crisis which had me bed-ridden for several days, followed by the hospital and recovering a couple days afterwards, I've had quite a long time off work. With a little bit of help from my Dad and my friend Yang, I've gotten by with some help and loans for food money. But I am scared about the rent. Technically I have just enough time to get the rent at breakneck speed if I'm lucky, considering I also have bills and expenses along the way too. But I will do my best, and I believe it could work out. It's just that right now, I'm stressed about the misconduct incident at the hospital and scared that it might be an issue with the new bandaid.
This bandaid question of weather to put advisory on my website or face a possible bad review is one stress, and also the fear of not getting enough work if I say on my website or if I tell people on texting before the session is arranged just to let them know. Or also scared that it will upset people if I just tell them in person before we begin. And I'm scared that I myself will be upset when I tell them, and this will come across and seem noticeable, and that will just make them feel unsettled and uncomfortable, worried that my consent is not very full bodied considering that obviously I'd rather be just healing right now. And the truth is I'd love to take a week off to just heal with the antibiotics right now just to relax now from what just happened, but that's not an option. And I'll be alright though, I think. But there is stress with that.
So I'm going to wait until this is all looked through with my doctor about the condition from the hospital with the MRI and ultrasound and any other surgery as a result, before I get the other surgery for my ingrown hair. But I'll be sure to pursue that soon enough. I'm sure that will leave a scar, but it's not too bad cause it's just higher up on my bikini line so not that big of a deal.
And totally honest with you, I'm just really emotionally sad about everything that's happened recently.
And right now I realize actually that Jared's going through an exceptionally hard time at the moment saeself which affects everyone around sae so much, now that the false allegations in the Airmail article were brought into a high profile BBC documentary against sae. And I recognize that it's considered a very demanding and difficult time for them right now as a result, and that's entirely an added stress right now. Because I hate to seem them inundated with other horrible things like this when I wish they could freely focus more on my needs instead of that. And I understand this may slow them down to some extent, but it's not their fault. So I don't blame them. It's just that I don't like to see that. And I'm also sad that they received this news of what happened to me at the hospital too, as that's terrible for them to have to hear, and not only them but for everyone who cares about me.
Everyone is already going through a lot of stress and challenges of their own and does not need this bad news about me. But of course, it's in no way my fault that I have to make this known or that it happened. And if I thought that they blamed me for it in any way, I would no longer be interested in working with them at all. But I am, because I know that they are very respectful in ways like that. So I do not feel guilty for weighing them with this bad news.
Add comment
Comments