THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT JARED LETO

I know it can be difficult for a lot of people to "own" the whole experience inside yourself and take accountability for every emotion as "your own shit" when obviously other people may be having an effect on you — so, of course, a problem with the way someone else is acting could be your only problem you even have. And I just think that's so fair in so many cases to just put the blame elsewhere. I'm not at all an extremist on the side of saying we have to fully pretend everything is our own fault in life or else we're not empowered and creating our own reality. I don't relate to the popular philosophy that by blaming yourself for everything you win it all somehow — since then at least you're in the driver's seat of creating your life. If I actually thought Jared had done something wrong or just happens to be an asshole deep down or whatever, that would be different (lol). In that case, I would put the blame on him. But I don't, so I'm not. 

The reason I'm saying that I'm not angry at Jared, is not just from some extreme philosophical notion that nothing could ever possibly be his fault because everything's always my fault (lol). I'm in a way better position than that, thankfully, with Jared. The choice to have Jared as such a big part of my world as an artist, and just someone who I care about and think about a lot, came from a type of decision making process which I'm very confident in. I've been through a lot of ups and downs in my life, and I've definitely found that decisions of this degree of mystic quality and profound insight have a much more resilient and foolproof integrity. But I admit I don't always act as confident as I sound right now. Sometimes I act like I'm willing to destroy all my work and start over, or burn it all, or just somehow re-code everything from the inside out just to de-throne anything or anyone ever if it was impossible at the time for me to emotionally process something that was coming up to stress me out. But I admit that's fallacy.

Sometimes I do act pretty unhinged. I admit, I have a pretty unhinged side to myself which comes from a long history of idiosyncratic internal strategic contemplation work. In other words there are some really out there strategies that I have long contemplated over many years, which I don't normally ever speak of. For example, I like to sound dangerous and unpredictable, and I enjoy flipping the script sometimes in such a way as to prove that it's a script so well written that it's impossile to flip no matter what you do to it. What I'm about to say is not a belief that everyoen shares with me, and it's very controversial as well as troublesome to speak of to some, which is why it's only tucked away in this little personal blog and not written anywhere promnent : But my belief is that there is an outside source to internal stresses we normally assume are from our own psyche, which can be fooled and tricked.

I don't like to speak much anymore about these ideas. I used to speak of it, that I believe there is a sub-human race walking among us, disguised as human. On the surface these individuals appear to be regular people but they have a different type of human DNA, and it is a sub-human race. I believe that they put curses on people so to speak, and onto the world, and these curses are the source of many mental illnesses for example, and the types of stress that I have been going through, and much more. I feel these curses are practically pseudo-conscious, acting as though responsive to your thoughts and actions, so that it's possible to deceive them. In my opinion, psychedelics plant medicines are the ultimate masters of this type of wiggling one's way out of curses. In fact, in Ayahuasca traditions of healing, the belief in curses of this nature is completely standard. Medicine teacehrs totally believe in it for sure and there is so much lore about it and how it can affect Ayahuasca ceremonies and must be avoided like the plague and remedied. It's very widely taught of by Ayahuasca in psychedelic vision states. 

I just don't like to speak of it though, because I've found this can de-stabilize people who are experiencing high risk psychological conditions. Because actually, this whole entire viewpoint on what's causing problems can seem sooo much more terrifying than the old familliar assumption that there's something actually really wrong with ourselves psychologically, and our minds are so inherently flawed and disordered. And just to be a little more honest actually since I'm gtting to high level Ayahuasca topics here, I should be clear : when it comes right down to it I don't even believe that this sub-human race exists at all. They "exist" just like pedophiles and animal abusers are proven to of course exist. Sure, yeah, they walk among us as you would assume an existence really exists normally. But I believe they are part of an illusory veil, so to speak, more an ephemeral layer of perception which on a deeper level, doesn't exist at all. 

In fact, there's an incredible Marilyn Manson lyric that go so well with that idea for me. Sometimes I just don't know how he does it — he's such a genius. His lyric "They'll never be good to you, bad to you. They'll never be anything — anything at all". Every time I hear that lyric I always feel struck that in some way, he might mean what I'm talking about right here. Well, I'd break down that whole song from Mechanical Animals and get into the venture more fully with you here if maybe he did totally mean that ... but instead I'll carry on with what I'm saying. I relate well to Manson because he and I are both mindblowingly comfortable looking at incredibly terrifying information even just out of fascination. We're both so at peace with just humming along observing evil and horrific dankness in order to learn and grow. And that's a great quality, but it leaves people a bit censored to speak of their truths they have found through these critical observations. And Manson has dealt with that through cryptic lyric writing — and myself, I'm seeking to use other methods. But he's a wonderful totem for me as a good example of how to do that trick.

So anyway, coming back to it. In my private thoughts, I've gotten very comfortable with being a "bad girl" so to speak, and getting as angry as I want at anyone, no matter how much I know it's not really their fault. Just in my head, not in my outward behaviour. Like I said, this is a technique of flipping a script that I feel is being attacked by curses in order to reveal through that process that it's an infallable quality which cannot be flipped on itself, cause that's how good it is. You know like a wu wei approach as it's called — sometimes allowing the greatest harm to come and just trusting it's impossible even then. Or like in martial arts, you're standing there with a stance that looks practically as if you're allowing your assailant to get you but it's through only the slightest action that the opposite occurs and you defeat them. And that comes from many years of exploring strange dark strategies that I never share with anyone cause I don't want to be too triggering.

And why do I think there are CURSES against my connection wtih Jared Leto and what it means to me? Well I know this is depressing, but I just feel the more beautiful and valuable something is to you in your life the more it will be antagonized by these curses. A person like Jared might get targetted so much worse actually for stuff like this than Manson, because he appears to be so incredibly positive and sunshiny and polished perfect in so many ways. You know, I don't believe in trauma the way most people do. I believe trauma is not trauma as we understand it, it's just a lot of curses. People say, the traumatized types tend to gravitate towards musical artists like Manson, Kurt Cobain, and Courtney Love — all my favourites like that — because they are the downtrodden and so they are trauma-bonding musically with these artists. But I just think curses are heavy for some who have been abused more, and those curses are simply fooled by the appearances of darker artists. 

Thankfully, I really don't at all think this issue of curses trying to go harder on Jared is at all serious as some kind of a problem that will eventually tear us apart. I think Jared coming into my life might actually be a sign that I'm breaking more curses these days. I really am. Progressively as a healer, I'm always breaking more and more curses and getting better things going on for myself thankfully as I go. Another example actually of another band I'm getting more into right now is also Foo Fighters with Dave Grohl. That's another shiny and polished looking, more happy go lucky type of character, right? I mean sure, not entirely with Dave, but he's more comparable to Jared than to Manson for sure. I'm definitely opening up more to more happyish types of artist sometimes. But I really don't know if I'll ever be that into Taylor Swift, ya know? (lol). Haha, it's hilarious to imagine if I'd get into more pop stars someday (lol). I think Jared and 30STM are about as un-gothed as I'll probably go for a long time.

LOL I do like a darker type of music. I enjoy it creepy looking, appearing miserably misguided, because I feel safer there from curses. But I assure you, I can handle Jared Leto (lol). LOL Jared really is a dandy actually and he's a fancy man, but he's creepy and depressing enough for me (lol). If you do take the lyrics of 30 Seconds to Mars seriously, that's enough for me. It's working for me lol.

But anyway, not to go on too long here, but about the issue that was coming up : This had to do with intuition and I really find it incredibly fascinating. And I will definitely have to write more about that sometime. There's just a problem right now with the way it seems to me intuitively to be going with a way that I feel the need to harmonize with Jared, while also keeping certain important interests I already have fully secured. At the time that I was freaking out and writing this initial rant (which that rant was something like throwing up but in a quirky, beautiful and musical way), I was actually having PMS. If I had realized that at the time that it was, that might have stopped me from writing anything that day. But that instance of hormonal swings was way worse than usual for me. And I feel it was because of the conditions I was in, not just the fact that hormones in my body could be dramatically changing for me right now due to my age of 43. And I really want to address my premenopausal hormonal health with expensive hormone therapy called HRT, but that's not currently an option financially. 

But about the intuition thing : I feel confident that it will be resolved, step by step. Today I had a breakthrough about it which didn't really resolve the entire issue but did seem to bring a lot of perspective to what's been going on. Intuition wise, it's a mindblowing story. I feel like this has opened up a pandora's box of a topic which I want to get into. About mediumship, there's something called ecstatic movement therapy which explores movment of the body which is brought on through a powerful mystic "connection with source" or connection with God or whatever. I used to casually teach this type of ecstatic movement in another form which was automatic movement yoga therapy, and I've also explored the arts a lot when it comes to automatic movement arts, like something similar to mediumship.

And then there's also so much cool art that I've looked at on the other side of the issue of mediumship about things like "puppetting" people, using them as a marionette, using them as if they are a device or a computer to program. For example, I love how Dita Von Teese has a marionette as part of her burlesque show which seems to be about this. I feel that sub-human race I was talking about before is trying to use us as a marionette through their curses, while Dita Von Teese is like a God to me as she shows that she outsmarts those enemies and plays them like a marionette, enslaving them to freedom. I think it was like Yogananda or Krishna — oh yeah must have been Krishna? — who said the phrase "enslaved to freedom". It's the philosophy that there is only one true primordial authentic state — freedom — and anything that forces that state cannot be truly a forcing at all, even then.

Anyway, it's that dynamic razor's edge between these two opposites where I often find myself meditating on discerning truth from fiction in life, and through that process, noticing that miracles happen. And I've had many miracles take place actually in my meditations about Jared Leto, which I do not speak of, because they are good secrets. But they are really cool. But one interesting one which I have spoken of lately was a miracle with Russell Brand — I felt that Russell Brand was supporting my body's movement out of bed when I could not move out of bed. It was the distinct feeling that the movement was not my own. It's a fascinating experience to know that it's not even you pressing buttons for muscle movement to occur from the brain. And then lately more miracles with movement, also I felt like NIRVANA was causing me to move to exercise when I could not get the will to exercise lately very much. And I have mediumship experiences liek that which you might really compare to ecstatic states, but when I find the meditation is about a star, like a famous artist from the media, it doesn't have that same kind of style you'd assume of a state like that. 

Like this one enlightened master Ananda Maji Ma I think it's spelled, she used to be famous for going into this gorgeous ecstatic movement for hours in meditation. Some gurus would just sit there usually when meditating, but her body would move in such a way that you could see it was not her own movement. You know, it was more like being beautifully contorted. And she would teach about the meaning of this movement to her followers — it was really cool. This is just one unique thing about her as an individual is that her path was to teach ecstatic mediumship in the form of movement. Well that might become my path in a way someday but the types of artists I'm working with take form like NIRVANA as people who hav styles of comedy, like intellectual humour geared for media sensitivity, and it's just so different.

Like NIRVANA, I felt like they styled their exercise process so as to match the fact that I got my treadmill originally as a birthday present associated with them, for my birthday, and I started off just walking on it with bare feet. I started again to exercise with bare feet, feeling like the only thing in the way had been to put running shoes on cause I didn't feel like doing that one thing, and that's the only thing that was even in the way psychologically of exercising anyway (lol). I felt this was their sense of humour, to replicate the original birthday present experience of my treadmill when I walked in bare feet before (which I felt the treadmill was from them in a spiritual sense) while making fun of the problem that I can't work out, making it into a joke. Like stuff like a joke that it's only my running shoes alone that are in the way, that's funny. That's nothing like Ananda Maji Ma but it's really powerful if this happened that I could exercise again. 

And the secrets of Jared Leto are best kept secret, but they are not bad secrets. They are beautiful miracles. It's just that evil seems to permeate everything sometimes and sometimes that can be overwhelming and confusing. That's all. But of course, Jared is not the source of that evil. So you have to trust me, things are all good, no matter how unresolved I may be about my situation right now.

I'm upset still, because I deleted some posts which I didn't intend at all to delete and I have no power to un-delete them. I have 30 days to recover them and I'd like to do that, or else replace them with somthing even better. But anyway, so this wasn't within my power to stop myself from deleting the posts, and I'm not able to make myself recover them. And that's my idea of a mental health breakdown. I didn't know why I was deleting them, that's the issue. If I could have understood why I was deleting them, that would have been different. But yeah, it will all become clear. These posts had to do with Dita Von Teese, and I've expressed concern that it's not my respectful way of behaving towards Dita to delete those beautiful posts in her honour, but I'm sure she would understand if this was beyond my control — and once I find out how to understand this action, I'm sure she would understand if I explained it. But thankfully, I'm glad she probably hasn't even seen on my page that it was deleted so far. I don't think she looks at my instagram very often. So here's hoping she doesn't look until it's fixed. I know she sometimes does look, but I believe she's very busy on her tour at the moment, and thankfully probably only looks when I tag her.

I really do hope she doesn't see that it was deleted. If she saw, I bet she would think "Oh Ba must be planning something exciting. Let's check the website and double check alll the UNITY LIFE Archives this was about are still up? Yes — OK that means it's all good", but she will then wait for the news. So then if nothing comes, she will be sad. And I'm pretty scared about that in a way, but I just have confidence based on my small breakthrough today that it will all get worked out intime to impress Dita once again.