So I just want to start off with an author's note about the artwork in this post. All of this was created by me in Midjourney, and some of these pieces made the final cut to my gallery, while others didn't. Certain pieces here didn't make the cut for some detail reasons which kinda destroyed it for me just on a larger level, although they are still really beautiful pieces actually. It's fun to put my cutting room floor here along with the top picks. You be the judge !! Which are the best ??!! :)) So here is where it starts :
I think there's been some progress happening in my life lately with free speech. I'm really happy to see a number of things naturally coming out of me in my posts and conversations with friends which I've always previously felt were too dangerous to speak of. I feel I have spiritual protection that locks me from speaking too dangerous of information, and when it happens like that, it just feels wrong to me and I can see what the danger is. But like a fountain of free speech I'm naturally feeling comfortable and safe now with a bunch of stuff I have associated with the dangers of my enemies and their schemes against me. I knew there was effort to stop those dangers in my life from protective allies and I am very happy that this is happening.
One thing occurred to me to finally speak of in public, and I see a lot of potential value in having a post up about it somewhere — ideally here on the website in a nice orderly way — in order to be able to speak my side of a story that was mistold by my enemies countless times over. It's the story of my past relationship with Shaun Freezen which ended in disaster. The story was weaponized and twisted against me by my enemies in a slander campaign against me which, in my opinion, involved Shaun's cruel and misguided participation. Although I can't prove Shaun's actions in that, I know him well enough to see it, and not only is it easy to guess based on knowing him but I've seen indication too.
The story is mainly depressing overall but the reason I thought of writing it today was out of positive inspiration from something I said about Jared Leto's ex girlfriend Valery Kaufman and the situation of their break up. I said this of their breakup :
◊ It’s a sad story kinda but I can’t help but relate to getting into relationships pretending it’s indefinite or forever but realistically it was of career convenience or modelled around certain conveniences of my path, which if I’d been more honest with myself I would have known sooner it was fated to end based on my life inevitably changing … in ways I might have seen coming.
◊ Like, how honest are we with ourselves about relationships? It’s proven in my case that I’ve never been able to date my future husband at all — because I’m still unmarried — that’s proof. So it resonates for me if I was getting into relationships all my life that were destined to break down eventually just to protect the true love waiting for me in the future. Sad to not meet your true destined love until later in life, but oh well, so then just set yourself up for failure again and again until that point (lol).
◊ It’s the perfect “crime” haha but this is best to lie to yourself as you go, and pretend it’s so ultimate, cause that goes over way more smoothly with the temp BF (lol). And that’s not even lying if the evidence is right there. You set up a relationship “Oh this is a perfect match cause this works so well on a b and c level” but both of you could look it up all the way to z but fuck that right?! (lol).
Now the thing is, the ex-partner I was thinking of myself in this writing was NOT Shaun, it was another one. The other one was in a band and he had no involvement with my temporary business as a healer, but it just so happened to be band magic (lol). And I had a convenient space for him to hang out so he could not be at home, which was a nice place, and I admit that was obviously a huge draw for him. He didn't like being in his condo that much, cause it was a big pile of crazy handmade instruments and nerf ball messes (lol).
No yeah (lol). That was a good laugh to realize I should have known when it came to that ex. Then what happened is, I was applying that notion to Shaun and I couldn't believe that applies really well to that relationship too. But in a whole other way, one which at the time would have been so much harder for me to see during our relationship. I view it as a higher level of agenda that I was not aware of in myself, why that was actually a good idea to be with him AND break up. But it's just that the ball started to drop on me about how painful situations like that can be when the notion of career is not about money but about ART as a life path and devotional, spiritual, core level journey. Plus also I can see how my ideas about why we'd be compatible as artists were entangled so horribly in with my terrible situation with my enemies at CoSM, so it's entangled with the most painful things that have ever happened to me in my life.
This beautiful reflection I had was that (as I've been gathering my thoughts for years about this), it seems it was the ideal time in my life to have a mental health breakdown. I think a mental health breakdown for me was so inevitable because of the brujeria dark sorcery that was directed at me from CoSM, as well as the church on a larger level since I was born, and for complex reasons probably needed to happen at some point.
I had a major depressive breakdown after that breakup, but it was the ultimately most strategically optimal time and situation in which to have it, because it was fully nested within a comparison picture between me and Shaun. When you look at me vs Shaun, it's unbelievable just how huge it looks like Shaun's the poster boy for being truly mentally ill as far as anything like that could be said there's ever any truth to it, and in such a perfect contrast, I'm the poster girl for it being just a breakdown which I would recover from obviously (lol) and shouldn't label me as somehow mentally ill, even temporarily.
Like if you want THE DEFINITION of the fact that there's a difference between a breakdown and being actually mentally ill, Shaun and I were the ULTIMATE illustration of that fact (lol). And people believe what they wanna believe with slander campaigns but the truth is right there to fuckin see it and apparent, so it's very apparent that this lie about me that my breakup with Shaun proves I'm mentally ill is bullshit. Which is perfect in a way. Cause it's so nice to have something like that brought up and then destroyed. Because you know, sometimes you throw something up into the air just so you can shoot it down and watch it explode in the air — that can even be considered sport (lol).
So this is gonna be a long one. I'll start with how we were a match. So my best friend at the time and a good friend of his was Delvin Solkinson who was already immersed in CoSM at that point. Now, occasionally Delvin and I had been lovers, but for much more of the time we were just friends. And Delvin was my whole life — he was serving soooooo many important roles in my life, all of which were a spiritual calling for me in my path. Perhaps the most important was as an ecological educator but he was playing a MAJOR role in my life to do with visionary art and poetry / creative writing, as he's a professional art curator and renowned poet — and visual art / creative writing was the draw between me and Shaun. We found each other within a very Delvin influenced art reality, and were both finding our voice and collaborating on visual art in a way that we both deeply intellectually resonated with.
Many people were collaobrating with Shaun on art, but the thing that resonated between us was that we both were so interested and emotionally invested into that concept of a type of art which works as a template which allows many co-creators to join in together on it. This was a huge piece for me cause Delvin and I shared the view that we were artists of culture, like authoring collective culture through templates of art.
And I must say, the romantic patterns between Delvin and I were a burden because he's so emotionally unavailable about sex and relationships, so the thought of a connection that was for once totally in a normal relationship way outside of him, but which carried similar inspirations, was like water in the desert for me.
Now, that wasn't all too that resonated, though. The thing is, Shaun was typical in a way just like all my boyfriends almost had been. Almost all my boyfriends had professed to me their love by saying that in mindblowingly important spiritual experiences they had fully witnessed my spirit on the highest level imaginable and knew me to the deepest possible level, as basically a God to them you might say. And that is exactly what I receive always from Christ in my experiences of Christ mysticism. And Shaun and I were of a very passionate shared tendency towards fascination with Christ as a cosmic presence which is essentially universal and yet also has "an archetype" you might say throughout creation and the existence of human beings. And he is most certainly what I would call a Christ Figure, and one thing about his behaviour that indicated that, aside from his obsession with this as something he relates to was this behaviour of telling me he had witnessed me in total awe. In his case it was through an extreme visionary experience that translated through dreams, in which he prophetically saw me in the future before I arrived. When he found me at a Permaculture workshop led by Delvin he was shocked to realize that it was the same being from his visionary experience.
And when I believe him on that, you might say I'm naieve to take it seriously, but the only thing is, that exact type of experience was always described to me by my other boyfriends (lol). So I don't disbelieve him at all no matter how much of a liar or manipulator he was.
Activities that we avidly enjoyed as a couple included reading books by Murdo MacDonald Bayne called Beyond The Himalayas and Yoga of The Christ which are books about enlightenment and healing miracles by an enlightened master, all deeply in Christ context exactly. We used to have dates together even on the phone when he couldn't come over, and spend an hour or two on the phone doing shared readings from a book we were reading together, and then discussing the chapter once it was done. So, here's a piece of artwork that I made for him as a gift when our relationship first began. I think I called it something like Cosmic Christ Union or something — I can't remember, the name was even cooler than that. It was a romantic piece between us for Delvin's art book he was curating : OH WHOOPS lol damn (lol). Turns out I lost that old piece from my portfolio files (lol). Haha, too bad almost. Well just so you can see the style, this is another one I did for the same book, and it looked like this only it was a cosmic Christ cross dynamic of like 4 cardinal cosmic forces — and we both framed a copy.
Actually this is a really interesting piece right here cause it has to do with my friend Daniel Mirante who is really cool, but I digress. This piece was also about Delvin so it's banned from my portfolio under normal circumstances along with any of his shit. But I really love Daniel Mirante, he's the most incredible artist and writer, and such a dear friend.
Anyway, it's obvious that the whole Christ emphasis resonated considering how far that's actually progressed in my life since then. The obsession with Christ mysticism has only deepened for me since that time. But the key for me is that it was my first relationship (in fact the only one yet) where I could go into that as a shared obsessive interest together. And at that point I was not fully yet aware that Shaun was a Christ Figure, but only later did I understand my dynamics with Christ Figures so much better — and all I can say is after all I've learned about that dynamic, it's now OBVIOUS to me why that would have felt resonant at the time, considering it was an important time of exploration and development in that topic.
Also, Shaun was writing a novel at that time which I found extremely resonant with my personal interests. It was a future technology fiction about a world in which technology had developed to extreme visionary proportions and yet society still struggled with much of the familliar fracture of the present day, such as wealth distribution inequality. For example, one future technology described in the book was a type of spraypaint you could buy for graffiti, and wherever you painted it, it would create a screen that would display media imagery of your own making. So you'd go around graffiti'ing the town with moving pictures of your design. At the time AI generated images were not available at all — we depended fully on Adobe software. But today that's much more imaginable. Nanotechnology and that type of thing as screen displays. You can imagine I found it to be a great joy to read and bless his manuscript. Today, stuff like that is almost really comparable with my art projects for The 16 KEYS SUPPORT TOOL and The 7 of 9.
So now you know why the relationship was important to me on a spiritual level to do with romance. And you know, CoSM is my enemy now, and I realize now they are extremely dangerous to me and very very scary toxic, but at the time I thought they were a positive influence — so you can see how that issue was a seriously negative entanglement while at the time I thought it was the opposite. I don't picture it as CoSM or Delvin's fault that Shaun and I broke up, but I do think it's their fault as well as Shaun's bullshit (mainly insecurity when comparing himself with Delvin and CoSM) why he went against me after we were over.
Anyway, with it explained why we were together, there's another side of the coin to tell. Unbelievable story, but when I met Shaun, he was hardcore open about the fact that he was massively suicidal. He was constantly in a habit of calling the suicide helpline, like all the time, and always telling stories of sketchy suicide attempts he was trying (sweat). He was always telling me how the suicide hotline was educating him about suicide and he was totally hardcore into those terms.
He also did seem like he was perhaps hiding schizophrenia and really good at that too from lots of years of experience, although I don't really believe in schizophrenia anyway. I think all it is is just a mental health label and it's defined by when a doctor diagnoses you, but it's not a real thing without that, no matter what it looks like. But I'm just saying, that resemblance of someone trying to hide schizophrenia was definitely how he also appeared.
And I say that it was a relationship of convenience for me by the hard lessons that I learned from Shaun about the way that the system works surrounding mental health. As an Ayahuasqera, it's crucially important for me to understand the dangers and harms of the mental health system. And boy did Shaun EVER teach me THAT. It's a horrible thing, but it was a first hand experience of seeing my love snatched away from me by that monster, and learning how demonic sorcery really plays a role in these issues as well, making it truly a psychic attack what goes on with this shit. Because no — at that time I had never BEEN properly educated about that — and that's an education that is really hard to find in this world.
But I feel that my Ayahuasca influence drew me there for those lessons in the sense that as an Ayahuasqera in training (which is called a Vegetalista), I had nothing in me ringing alarm bells against Shaun for this problems just based on stigma. Stigma was a non-factor for me cause I was a true healer to the core. But then, thanks to Shaun in the negative sense, I now understand why that's a relationship red flag to say the least (lol). And I say the danger is in the medical institution for sure — as well as it's a practical problem in some grounded things. And that knowledge was needed, and would have prevented me from being with him in the first place if I had had it then.
Like for example, even when we were first got together, he was coping still at the time from a recent horrifying experience when the police had come into his apartment and torn the entire place to SHREDS. They went into all his private diaries and books and he worried for sure they might have gotten out his passwords. They searched the entire packed little tiny place to kingdom come, tearing open all his storage and picking through every little detail indepth, leaving the place a total disaster. And he was informed by roomates that it was police. Why? IN RESPONSE TO HIM CALLING THE SUICIDE HOTLINE SO MUCH. Because he was in such a constant routine of like ALWAYS calling the suicide hotlines like all the fucking time (lol). And it's as if they got mad at him for doing so (lol). Like he felt like they were wreaking vengeance upon him. Talk about a life lesson to see that happen to your own boyfriend. At best, and it's quite possible, I'd say the police were trying to send him a message to hint at him that he's unwise to involve himself with the system when it comes to his mental health struggles — but he did not register this.
It's so hilarious the contrast between me liking him and this going on (lol). Shaun was a really good looking guy and I remember thinking he's so sexy because one thing about him is that he's so uptight about keeping a fantastically clean and welcoming room, and tight and precision about organization to the extreme, with everything so cool the way he organized it and shit making it mindblowing that he could live in such a tiny room with a ridiculous amount of storage and still keep the place sexy as can be (lol). It was like some kind of IKEA hyper-fantasy room (lol). And when this VERY APARTMENT had just been extracated by police to this degree and he could not understand why, that is SUCH a hilarious irony that I found that room sexy (lol). It's SO FUCKIN IRONIC. LOL !!!!
And similar thing goes about his sexiness and appeal in the sense that I should have known he was a cheater. Because as a spoiler, turns out he was cheating on me for at least a long time before the end. He was a master at impressing the ladies, like being the best at cooking for women with his own garden and always having really expensive perfectly clean ideal sheets and really awesome blanket. Like he made the bed seem like a vacation resort and I should have fuckin known that's why he was so into gardening (lol). It was all to impress women on dates (lol). So that's another reason it was super ironic to find that room sexy (lol). Because not a chance I would have been forgiving about cheating at that point in my life since I was fully willing to be polyamorous so I considered cheating unforgiveable then.
So anyway, that police story should tell you a lot, but also Shaun was in a really really hyper over hardcore panicked state a lot of the time, so just over our relationship studying the dynamics, I felt I learned quickly that his connection with the system and dependence on his parents as a backup was a real issue as part of this trauma. And much more. Although I had so much more to learn.
So this is the worst part of the story and the most painful to tell. What happened is, quite a ways into our relationship, he was finally sent to the psych ward for the suicidal crisis. His first time ever as far as I knew of. And at the time he and I were both not even that conscious of the laws that equal to that being totally do-able to get someone locked up for that if they're claiming it on record. We just didn't think of it that way. Shaun never expressed any fear about being locked up for his condition, or any worries that it might occur. His worries were just about life and death, that's it. Myself, I never thought of it as a thing, cause I didn't know about the law. I thought you had to agree to being committed in order for that to happen. A very important lesson.
Now, as a little piece of context, I was a Vegetalista at that point but you might wonder why I hadn't tried to help him with Ayahuasca since I had access to it. The thing is, unfortunately, at that stage of my journey I was not able to facilitate Ayahuasca ceremonies for others. I taught him about my Vegetalista path and he respected it greatly, and I'm sure that was a valuable influence on him in healing capacities, but I was not able to offer him ceremonies to help him :( And I dunno, maybe at the time the other facilitators available in the area didn't appeal to him, and I could see why. I'm pretty sure it was mainly Guillermo in our area at the time, and he's a terrible danger. I can't quite recall what the options were but that's about it I think. Then, Iboga or Ibogaine could have been an option and that would have been a good route, but he couldn't afford it.
So this was the worst. He was in the mental ward for 3 months, and the epic thing about it is that I didn't break up with him. I thought it would seem mean to break up with him "for that", cause you know, that would hurt his feelings. But I wasn't aware that he was twisted way out of any semblance of self-recognition to what it was WITH US, by that experience. And I believe that experience is DEEPLY, THOROUGHLY incompatible with Ayahuasca medicine on so many deep, deep levels. And comes with so much psychic assault and it would be against me and what I represent as a medicine woman as a good option for him someday. I just had no idea how much he was twisted against me in that institution. He continued to urge me that he wanted to remain together and he always called me or made efforts to write now and then.
He got a chance at some point to tell me how it was going there, and for sure unloaded the whole story when he got out. He was mainly out of contact actually while in — I forget now when he told me this, but he said they were HYPER ABUSIVE there. He described to me how the conversations would go in the group therapy sessions, when the doctor would start talking to him. They would say things that were, no question about it, a brutal attack on him designed to trigger him just as much as possible. Their excuse for that was to study him like an experiment and see just how he responds to triggers. There is NO FUCKING WAY this was anything but traumatizing for him precisely in the so-called therapy. I would HUGELY say, and I believe it's MORE than obvious, that Shaun came out way less stable from that place than when he went in, aside from suicidal stuff.
So anyway though, it was a mega stressful period of our relationship to say the least, during and after he got out, and so taxing on me. That was fuckin wearing me DOWN. It was a psychic assault for me then from the church in combination with the medical sector BOTH. The church was slamming my ass around that time. CoSM had an agenda against me already but I didn't see it as like Delvin didn't want me and Shaun to work out (and that's still not my view on it).
In retrospect I feel my loyalty to the relationship was about my need to find out how he had been so twisted against me in that institution — something he would always hide from me as best he could and I needed to find out. I considered it loyalty and kindness but in later reflection it's more like just letting it pan out in order to observe.
So like, what happened is, things were insane and Shaun started making plans with me of grandeur such as a formal dinner with his parents to introduce us with intentions to help seal our relationship as something more close-knit with them. Then flipping and losing it and breaking the plans, again and again. Then starting to flip on me for being worried about what that might mean and that kinda thing led to our breakup which I'm pretty sure was basically mutual, despite there being back and forth about the issue. Because I find that a very unfitting way to communicate to me that he feels his mental health condition is in the way of a stable relationship (lol) — even though that was true (lol) </3. And anyway, like I said, considering all that, I found it particularly insulting when I found out that he had been cheating on me for a long time. And what that all revealed to me eventually was that these "hints" about the relationship not able to go next level because of the mental struggle of his sound like insults from the doctors about me — towards me as a healer. It's like he had developed a notion that I was not a healing influence or more aptly said that I was incompatible with his medical doctor allegiance he was now joining.
I can only say he was right, I was not compatible with an ALLEGIANCE like as if you consider it a religion or something deeply spiritual or core for you on a soul level as we would call it then, with THAT shit. But I would always make a great healer, cause I'd be adept at helping people pick apart that complex love / hate relationship between supportive meds and doctor's ideas, vs the fact that you obviously can see it's so toxic and horrifying. But it was certainly not looking like we were that compatible to a flowery picture of the ideal mate though (lol). I'm only saying, I take so much offence to that outrageous allegation that I'd be incompatible with his needs for healing stability in his life on a path of recovery, and that's doctor trash. But no yeah, like as the portrait of an ideal couple, it's a joke with that going on (lol). Cause once you're medicated like that you would have a really hard time cleansing off the meds to participate in Ayahuasca ceremonies, so me being with someone dependent on antidepressive meds would not be a very practical match.
Well anyway, so the relationship ended, and good thing I "intrusively stalked" him lol in his words just enough to find out that he had another girlfriend while he was with me for quite a long time. And I was called a stalker for that, but I know that's just disrespectful for sure because he implies that it was a criminal stalker, because he says "He had to go to police about this". Now listen, when you say you had to go to police about stalking, that implies dangerous malicious stalking or with a weapon, and that's slander. He went to police and told them that I had been poking around on social media looking up this girlfriend of his and that I had sent him unwanted emails after he said to stop — and that's not dangerous or illegal. And going to police about an issue that's not a criminal issue should be considered abuse of the system. And using that true story that he approached police to make me sound dangerous on purpose is slander. He failed to mention that the police completely turned him away because I had not broken the law. So I am always very angry to this day that he joined with Delvin in his slander campaign telling the world I was a stalker, LIKE THAT. And the same thing happened to Leslee Lane. She and I bonded on that. Evan made an allegation of her which was just the same "I had to go to police about her" just used to make her look bad. It's horrible.
So anyway, what happened to me after that was mayhem. That's when I had my own depressive episode, and I told people on the Light Science newsletter that I had really been through a mental health crisis actually, and that was true. What happened was, I couldn't stop crying just nonstop all day long for every day for months. Now it's an extreme thing to cry at all, let alone all day. But I was crying ALL DAY FUCKING LONG. But picture that for months. I had my own space in which to cry, and my household was falling apart around me because I couldn't work at all to make money. I can't believe I maintained the house for that long actually. Every time I ate a meal I was on the edge of tears thinking this would be my last meal because I will commit suicide. But granted, I wasn't self-aware of this difference, but it's not very true I had much of a plan of how to go through with it actually (lol). I was just in a CRYING state, thinking suicide, like more generally as an abstract thought, as if it was real. But it was rough beyond belief. It really actually sucks to cry and that got me way more into it to just cry that much.
Anyway, that was obviously caused by sorcery now that I look back on that time. Analysing that time, I can see so many signs of the sorcery from the church and CoSM, it's so well analysed today I can't even begin to explain it here. It was harsh, but that was sooo double whammy with the sorcery from the doctors against me as a healing influence on Shaun through methods that are odds with their methods.
Now, this piece of artwork, part of it was actually done when I was crying, and it's one big reason why the eye of God is crying. And there's a long story of previous pieces of art I had done leading up to this piece which got all fucked up because of Shaun and the church and situations and crazy shit all entangled with this mess. But I'm sure my artwork will totally get healed with no worries, it's just not the time yet to go into those other previous works. But this one I'm very proud of to share with this story today, cause this was totally the product of the fresh breakup with Shaun period and I was pleased with my healing work on myself to produce this from a genuine mental health breakdown. Using art as a method for healing is a great technique, and this went all the way to kingdom come in terms of how healing it was for me in the end.
But I just want to say, that experience of crying changed me for life about crying itself. From then on, I don't believe in crying anymore. If I cry ever, it's totally by accident and not at all on purpose in any way. I believe that it's a bad thing that should never happen to me now. I no longer believe in therapeutic crying rituals as if that's really good for you. I think that makes it worse.
So anyway, there's quite a bit I could say about Shaun's terrible actions against me in slander and how that reveals just what a manipulative piece of shit Delvin is to weaponize Shaun's mental health crisis — which is a violation against Shaun and myself to the most extreme. But I worry that it's complicated to go into details here. That said, just to summariize : Every single thing Shaun did to me said so much about his mental health instability, his psychotic delusional state, and sooo much about his extreme pain and fear of inadequacy and projections onto me, and his guilt for cheating on me. Like no question, Shaun's responsible for himself, but I find it extremely opposite to the point when this slander campaign claims that I myself was destructive when he was at his most vulnerable, when in fact it was Delvin who was most haenously destructive to him, in that he even enlisted Shaun into this campaign. Like a MANTRA Delvin kept promoting again and again that all his viscious lies about me were true because he has evidence in Shaun, and the police have been contacted about this — but just look at how horrible that is to Shaun to involve him in a viscious campaign of that nature while he's in such a horrific state.
But in retrospect, I heal a lot from that experience by knowing that IT LOOKS LIKE THAT HEAVILY. And so if there was ever a convenient time for me to have a mental health breakdown, assuming it would be necessary in some horrible cosmic fate of my situation as a healer to have recovered my own self from such a thing — THAT was the time.
Anyway, I just took a writing break, and now after thinking about it, I've decided to tell one story about the stalking thing, mainly just for fun but also incase this would support my cause in some way. So I've mentioned, I was stalking him after our breakup out of suspicion that he had been cheating on me, but never with any malicious intent towards him and I had never expressed any to him either. Now his delusional way of interpreting anger that I had expressed in my emails was to conveniently mistake that for an actual threat, which it was not. And that's just ever so convenient to his victim mentality against me. Because of course, I had never in any way been or appeared to be the type of person who believes or has a pattern of acting on my anger in a malicious and harmful manner. And now that I'm involved with the Marilyn Manson scene where many people are true believers in that kind of an attitude, it's come up even later as a speculation again on me — but that came way later in my life to intepret those kinds of cultures and it was obviously nothing I was into at the time.
In my opinion, I had difficulty letting go because I was suspicious and unsettled about Shaun's secrets from me, and I believe I had a right to be curious. Because it's very important for me to be able to process what exactly happened there.
So that all said, here's the funny stalking story. So all I did was probed Shaun's social media from another acct after he blocked me to scrupulously look for any hints of what had been going on, and through some leads and further research, I found out that he had been cheating on me for quite a while with a woman who I checked out carefully and thought a lot about. And I've always thought so much about her over the years at times and found her story very interesting actually.
Anyway, so the funny part of this story is that I didn't stop there (lol). I saw that clearly this woman was the manager of a new juice / health bar that had opened in Shaun's neighbourhood where he lived, and I looked up the establishment and mailed a written letter to her in the mail (lol). And this letter TOTALLY and fully exposed him for the fact that he had been keeping their relationship a secret from me all this time (lolololol). And I had thought a bit about her as a person, and I aimed to expose that Shaun had likely hidden a lot FROM HER actually which I would know because of our relationship and she wouldn't have been privied to — such as the fact that he's the type to frown on breast implants actually (lol). Just style wise I think realistically, not on a deeper level of hate towards women with implants — although I simply said to her that she probably didn't realize that he is just that type of guy (lol). Because she had breast implants you see, and I could tell he was probably acting so adoring of them but the truth really is that he comes from a culture that essentially frowns on that type of an aesthetic (lol) HAHAHAHA and it's true he was probably hiding that from her (lol).
Cause my point was, never trust a cheater right? Cause next thing you know he'll turn around and treat you just like he treated the last woman, and frankly it seems to stem from manipulative tendencies. HAHAHA LOL and I just want to expose it — THAT'S what he calls stalking. That's what he calls police-report worthy stalking (lol). Yeah — I never heard from that woman, but intuitively and psychically I do feel this caused a tension between them, which of course would lead to conversation about the issue, and might have been disruptive to their relationship if she was actually aware that that's a red flag. Plus you know, he just got out of the mental ward totally, and if he hadn't mentioned that to her that too was news to her (lol). So yeah — I might have broken up their relationship just by communicating with a woman about my perception of Shaun which was very honest and genuine actually. And that's what goes for malicious intent? In an ego tripping freakoid like Shaun apparently so (lol).
And I was neverendingly accused of having been a violation against Shaun's mental health as if a relationship is considered what equals stablity in his life (lol), but I BEG TO DIFFER. Sexual relationships are not the definition of stability at all. What defines stability is your mental health, not who you're having sex with or not.
And it's so sexist how Delvin took advantage of that illusion in Shaun at the time and Delvin sure is sexist, that's soooo bad in him. He's totally against women communicating with each other to find out about his indiscretions and is guilty of abusing me by ordering and commanding me to never speak to women he knows — and giving them the same orders.
I was the opposite of a harm against Shaun's mental health by influencing that relationship. In fact it's arguable that scoring a major relationship at such a time has anything to do with stability when he could have used some processing time after the mental ward obviously. If anything, announcing to them both through that letter just how unstable that fantasy was for him at that point was the behaviour of a good medicine woman. Perhaps that part's arguable really though. I was not graduated yet from the Ayahuasca so I think I was a bit "school of hard knocks" style of a healer before that graduation point when the medicine changed my behaviour to more strict as an example of what should be obviously the picture of a master healer. It was school of hard knocks style the sign of a good healer though — I was just opening healthy communication avenues and trying to inspire safety concerns for her. And frankly, it's an issue of feminism that women should be allowed to communicate about issues like this.
So anyway of course Delvin latching onto Shaun against me and using his process as a fully carried out ammunition against me was very damaging to my ability to heal and resolve my emotions about Shaun after that breakup. Not only was Shaun engaged with this incredibly harmful piece, but Delvin was such an extra ball of wax for me to have to map out and process as well — so just the combination of them both made it so much harder to find emotional peace with Shaun. Therefore, despite that I stopped pestering him to talk after some months after the relationship ended it still took me a few years of needing to be single just to cope with that breakup instead of dating.
And about it that I kept pestering Shaun to communicate with me after our breakup — that was called stalking just that I emailed him to his actual email address. And I told him "You can just block my email so I dunno what you're talking about, man", and that's the truth he could have (lol) but he was into reading the emails and printing them out for evidence against me to police. He was making up a story that this was all police evidence which it wasn't, and I was never pestering him from other emails aside from my real ones that were fully real which he already had for me.
They were not contrived emails just to get through his blocking, and I was not using other channels. It's true I had a few. But Delvin lied and said that I was which is his mental freak trip, and don't even get me started just exactly why he was lying about that. But I know exactly why he made that up. But as for Shaun, that's really rude of him to be so mean about it if actually I had hoped that he would have forgotten that I have like a few email addresses and only blocked on more habitually used one. Like intuitively I actually think he figured that out, though, that it's really actually his responsibility to block them all at first anyway, were he to block at all.
But yeah so coming back to my recovery. I've been single since that day actually but I would say the first 3 or 4 years of singlehood were the only years that were genuinely out of a need to just process from that breakup in 2014. But I've had lovers in my life, just nothing serious in later years, but I was celibate for the first years in terms of any lovers — just to process the breakup and care for my own recovery as a priority. And the only reason none of my lovers in later years worked out to any serious relationship was actually due to other unfortunate circumstances, mainly to do with Delvin and CoSM's onslaught and how much that destroyed my life, forced me into poverty, forced me out of certain types of work I could have been doing and forced me to become an intimacy counsellor which I have been for nearly 5 years.
But I admit just on the whole, the thing about singlehood doesn't bother me that much as like a burden in itself. I mean, it's unfortunate that I was in a position of such need to self-nurture and care for myself and my mental health by not investing myself too much into another person as to be into any level of more solid relationship during those initial years after the breakup. It's just that, it's more like "What a shame that my needs in self-care were so high", but I don't stress it that I could have met the one during those years. In higher destined true love, it's meant to be for whenever's the right time. I love the idea of being so in love with my true love when I later find him that together we love to bitch about what a piece of shit it was that we were not ready for reach other yet for all those years, though (lol). But bitching and moaning about things is not exactly my top note description of what exactly it will be like (lol). But that's really cute haha.
So coming to conclusion here, I'd like to come back to the original story of how I was inspired to process this breakup here, by returning to Jared Leto and Valery Kaufman.
Because you know, I think I should say, it's important that I don't draw too much connection at all between my breakup with Shaun and his with Nataly. Cause the fact is, as you now know, the whole entire story between me and Shaun was obviously fully themed around the topic of mental health breakdowns, and that definitely wasn't the overarching theme of Jared and Natalie's breakup. Mental health and those kinds of lessons is in no way considered the lessons it appears to have been about within any drama or lack thereof it within their decision making towards that breakup. So I'm sure it was way less traumatic, at least in that way (lol). And I cannot necessarily say that comparing Jared and Valery with my breakup with the guy who was in the famous band is a perfect comparison — but I would say it seems like a way more reasonable comparison, because for us both it had to do with band dynamics why we ended.
Actually, that guy got together with me largely because my life at the time was perfect for his band's dynamics, as well as his own personal needs psychologically and emotionally for his own development in how he found it in me — but then when my life didn't fit that picture anymore, with his band and otherwise, it dissolved. And then it was as though it was for personal reasons that things were breaking down, but I can't help but realize it was a little more cut and dried than how it seemed and felt at the time. So that's totally comforting to realize that kind of thing about relationships, and it's fascinating and strikes me as an interest.
So in conclusion once again, that was actually emotionally healing for me to examine Jared and Valery in a post and make comment on the patterns of relationships such as I've seen them in my own. And now more about Jared cause this will continue to cheer me up. You know, the thing is, in fandom life, I have a major repulsion against worrying for the mental health of stars as if that's all so great just to be compassionate. I seriously truly believe that is majorly missing the point. But in this one case, I've resonated with my MARS bestie Mary for saying she's proud that she was there for Jared in the Echelon with love and compassion and respect during that hard time for him during that breakup. I think that's so beautiful, so that was an exception for me to start thinking it's kind to actually stress minorly for his feelings. Although I just generally don't believe in that approach towards stars — it's just not my style. To each their own and to Mary all respect to HER style as her own, and I like her style. But me I have a different agenda construct in my style. It's just unique of my path.
That said, I've tried to intuitively tune in with Jared to psychically understand how that breakup was. And what came up for me was basically a very gentle intuition with no sketchy worries for him, that it must have sucked when she was getting shit news from the press about his scandal stuff, and having to talk about that with him must have been so taxing. Then him being all considerate about communication and needing to face how this sucks for her MUST HAVE SUCKED. So with zero question about it that there's no such thing as a breakup that doesn't suck, I can't help but respect the Echelon view on that whole situation as basically a tragedy in Jared lore. I just don't like to be sobby about it cause that's so not the point of life. Like with Marilyn Manson, he has tons of relationship so-called tragedy in his dating history, but I NEVER think of it as tragedy at all. I just have such a revolutionary different perspective on Manson about those kinds of things. And Jared, he's different as a person and with other styles, but yeah I feel similarly. Like i prefer to observe just how it was a beautiful co-creation for the greatest outcome for both involved.
And one more thing I want to add. I got this gentle intuition about how things went between them in that relationship, and I'm obviously aware that a situation like that has massive potential for drama, but I never searched to check into that drama intuitively. The reason why is because I'm a very gentle intuitive, and my style is that I don't like to feel as though I'm like being invasive towards the person, incase perhaps that's privately painful in some ways. It's just a self-consciousness in the sense that I'd be nervous to "act invasive" by even searching for painful information. Not that I think it's a sin if I did. But it just feels like none of my business, so I used logical means to deduct what it was probably like, to the effect of the post I said and what I think happened apparently, just like everyone else does I guess.
But if I had been curious for some REASON like confused about the information available out there and for some valid reason just trying to understand, I could have always called out to Jared in my diaries and asked him to fill me in, and he would always respond spiritually to me with the information I need. And that's not true of any star that I could get answers that easily, but Jared's always there for me to respond to my cries in my diary. Like that's the thing — I would way rather if I had a personal question pose it like as if straight to his face or like a letter to him, like asking him nicely (lol). I would not even resonate with that idea to like probe him just without having "asked" and perhaps that's why a diary is a handy tool in a way just to keep my thoughts organized and clear to myself about things like that.
And I point that out because this is very honest for me when I say that I'm a person who respects privacy and emotional privacy if something's potentially painful emotionally, and that's such a truth in general for me. Again, my curiosity about Shaun was merely for my own needs to process the breakup which are valid. And I have no need to understand this dynamic with Jared in order to understand anything — I can see that he's a respectful person and that's enough logic for me to deduce how things went between them. And I don't care about their drama if any because like I said, that's not important anyway to my path as an artist.
Just like it should be seen with me and Shaun. Because perhaps someday on reflection when he realizes how much he was manipulated by Delvin and CoSM, he will take his power back from the medical sector and from the church. And that might be quite an operation which would help him for the best to have an illustration story of just exactly what was fucked about that situation and why he needs to establish REAL boundaries — against the real establishment itself. Get the pun? Establish boundaries against the establishment — yeah REAL boundaries for REAL safety. Then also for me, it was many lessons I had to learn in life. But that's the worst breakup of mine (lol). I way prefer other breakups as a happy story of a beautiful co-creation actually between beautiful humans. Haha oh well </3.
Oh and actually you know what? I was going to end it there, but I'm going to add something. Just FYI I have zero desire to talk to Shaun again, as yes it would be a painful experience for me now that I know how much he's done to hurt me. And generally I do give a cold shoulder to anyone who's behaved like that to me, and since I found out about that, I really did throw out the idea that one day we could work out our shit and actually communicate. But I TELL YOU WHAT. The more I think about it with CoSM, the more I think of a lawsuit against them happening by some of the stars that have a commercial interest in my work, who's enterprise has been interfered with by CoSM. And what I tell you certainly is, that would be the motherfuckin day if Shaun ever joined THAT lawsuit as yet another one of CoSM's victims in their tirade against me.
If that lawsuit is outed enough that there's no NDA preventing him from telling me that he was a part of that, or he could break it down convincingly enough in code, I would actually be willing to talk to him about it if he felt that his support in my gaining legal revenge against CoSM was literally successful in any large part let's say by his contribution. And I guess yeah, if that's the conversation, then OK (lol). I would talk to him again. That would be alright. But otherwise it really bothers me when I think of such a thought. I can't tell you how much it's creeped me out thinking about him over the years. Hilarious story but one time I was followed on Facebook by a guy whose name was Shaun Friesen which is Shaun's real legal name, but he was not Shaun himself and he asserted to me that he was not. But he did look a bit like him. And what that guy turned out — I researched that guy and he had been charged for child pornography which is why he was fired from the band he was in (sweat). The police message against him online was totally out there that he was fully busted for that. It seemed to me that it was that guy (sweat).
I thought that was soooo weird. I thought it seemed like a sign that possibly unkonwingly to me, even Shaun Freezen was in some shit for stuff like that (lol) </3. Like he had never expressed an interest in such things to me and didn't strike me that way, but a part of me was like "Whoa OMG who the fuck knows how much he's gone down since I last knew him". But I don't take that seriously to believe it against Shaun based on that, since of course that was not the same guy (lol). But I'm just saying that's an example of how much Shaun actually has freaked me out as a thought over the years (lol). So no, it's not really about wanting to communicate with Shaun for me. And that was not why I wrote this, as a method to hope through bullshit that Shaun hears about this post and reds it (lol).
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