Continuing to Problem Solve The Deletion Of The Lingerie Modelling

Published on May 28, 2026 at 12:07 AM

Some stuff went down to make me feel that it's time to get more serious about powering through this problem right now and getting the situation resolved, no matter what it takes. Unfortunately, what this problem is may not be very clear to anyone who hasn't been reading the previous posts, so please do consider the story from earlier, in order to be able to follow along properly here.

Here's one thing that happened. For a long time, I've been suspecting that my best friend Mary works for 30 Seconds to Mars. Now, that's actually been mentioned in the Timeline ://A\\rc)}’Hi\\V//e: where I document all my interactions with Jared Leto and the band, which includes his brother Shannon Leto. Here's a quote from the timeline to show you what I said there :

Luckily, I became close friends with a wonderful Italian woman named Mary who runs a 30STM fan page mostly focused on Jared at @love_30stm_echelon )) She was constantly posting her countless interactions with Jared and the band, and her main reflection was on that topic. Her interest was far less on the content or context of the interactions but the volume and consistency. Eventually I found that our convesations in her comments and her posts that tagged and told stories of me were very likely to be seen by Jared and the band, which made me feel more ambitious about properly describing my ideas so that they could get the picture better. We spoke at great length, oscillating between English and Italian.

Eventually I started to come up with a creative model. Imagine if she was secretly hired by the band and working on their staff, with her job mainly to support the Echelon (fan community) to psychologically adjust to their expeirences of wishing and wanting for social media interaction with them etc etc. I'm not trying to say that's true, but this creative imagination led me to construe of what it would mean if she was speaking to me in code to support her staff role. In other words, using the character she plays as a language for her goals. Responding to her with those ideas in mind seemed so much more productive in conversation both ways. She shifted to a way higher level. It was like being colleagues of a sort. Through all our many conversations and her posts, I felt a new deeper layer of meaning in my relationship between myself and Jared & Shannon. This created much more psychologial depth for me.

This led me to imagine what it would mean if all the other Echelon fan pages that are often interacting with Jared and Shannon were of this nature — secretly 30STM staff. Imagine if say, The Hive (the previous version of the social media platform which was so customized by Jared) was modelled so that he'd never interact with anyone but hired people playing characters that each symbolize an archetype which many people might fall into in one way or another — designed to help them process through these reflections. I found @mars_unseenvids was the easiest study. I realized that would make me the only exception to the rule, and imagining this made me wonder more creatively how I should view our interactions. For whimsy, I often kept that in my mind.

So here's what happened with Mary today. By the time I saw her message, I already thought that Jared was aware of the current crisis I'm going through because of my posts on this blog reaching him. That's been explained in another post on this blog that word got around to me from a friend (not Mary) that the issue was being looked at. I was honoured that it was being taken seriously and I had wanted to mention that here somewhere. That really meant a lot to me and I appreciate it <3 )). But anyway, so Mary came out and made reference to my posts on this blog. To paraphrase, she said, "I think right now Jared is going through a hard time. He seems to be feeling pretty down, and he's less available and overworked right now taking care of a problem with some bad guys that are giving him shit at the moment".

That's what I said in my last post exactly which I think is going on. She actually used the exact term "bad guys" which is interesting because I use that term and have mentioned it's something I associate with The 7 of 9 actually. Regardless, I responded to her saying that I think the same thing, and just wrote that on my website, and I think the bad guy is on his own staff. She mentioned to me that she'd love to help Jared right now if there was anything she could do, but her hands are tied, as she has no solution on her end for this problem. I responded that I feel the same way — I'm concerned if this effects Jared negatively, drains his time, or puts him in a bad position in any way, emotionally or otherwise. I told her, I'll be racking my brain for some way I can help. Since the situation seems to have at least one side of it which is about me, I felt responsible. That said, I'm not responsible at all for this issue. It's just that I felt a bit responsible even though I'm not, and felt like I'd appreciate being able to help.

I asked Mary how she knows this. I understand she is just posing as a fan who is not on their staff, so this was just to double check what the story was supposed to fictionally be as to how she knew of this situation mentioned on my website. She is Italian and wouldn't have read my posts. I believe she was informed by her team for the band, but that would be secret. So I just asked her just to see what she would say and she told me "I just felt it". So, supposing I'm mistaken and she's not a staff member, what happened is that an Echelon had an intuition here, which she calls a feeling in her way of putting it, and based on intuition, she urged me to understand that this situation is harming Jared. Either way, it's worth listening to her concerns.

So I've decided to sit down and lock into this issue for as long as it takes to get it resolved here, and I've done some work on the problem today.

Analysing What's Happening With This Enemy

Before I get into my solutions I've decided on so far, I'll run through some reflections I've had on just exactly what seems to be going on with this enemy. I personally think this enemy is on the band staff somehow. I've thought about it a lot, and here's what I'm getting from it. This person has very strongly motivated negative intentions towards me. Their 100% intention is to hurt me as much as they can — there's nothing there inside them that is unattached to that. All they want is for me to go down. That's because of a longterm grudge and being entangled with underground crime in a very entrenched way — it's a really long story actually how they developed this grudge. It was not my fault at all. This was a group and this one person from the harmful group joined 30STM staff in digsuise pretending to be on their team.

So here's how they've strategized the method : What they do is, they do their absolute top best at perceiving Jared's needs, as if high end professionals of serving his direction, his agenda, for anything to do with me, then guide me in that exact direction as if in service to 30STM but always in such a way so as to harm me as much as possible in the process, ideally making the whole thing into a disaster so that a) Jared's needs will be re-framed as negative, b) Jared's needs will be met poorly, along with mishaps that also harm him, c) I will be blamed for any harm caused in the process, d) or ideally I will be seen as a failure somehow or another at every step along the way, e) I will come to hate Jared or at least resent him in some way. The scheme is designed to stop me from accessing Jared's support because they are threatened by how much it humilates them for me to be supported so well.

So far Jared and Shannon's support has been enormous even without money as a part of the picture at all. One thing that has already made a big wave in the community is that when I started creatively defending Jared from false allegations, this served to humiliate this "bad guy" and his entire group because Jared's story was considered inspiring and relatable as a misunderstood and beautiful public figure, and I was compared with him. The rigorous standards for exploring someone's guilt or innocence in the face of false allegations put it to shame with the violators who had been doing similar things to me. Many things they had actively done against me in the community which decieved and violated so many people, now all those people could see that they were manipulated when they look at my example of defending Jared. Combined with the band's interactions with me showing love and respect, this caused positive hype around 30STM and turned UNITY LIFE into protection.

This technique never worked that well when I was defending Marilyn Manson, although that defence strategy through the arts may have lowered the dangers to me from this enemy by about 15% at best. People really love to hate Marilyn Manson and they know little about him in this community, and based on his controversial persona, they easily buy into manipulation which proposes say that I'm mentally ill which is proven by my affections for Manson's music and him as a person, and this shows I have a disgusting creepy dark side and I'm to be avoided and feared. That has worked on a lot of people, but Jared's persona and appearance is much easier to love. So immediately once I started defending Jared, it combined really well with my previous defence work to create something much more useful as a counter-argument for manipulation.

Keep in mind, this manipulation in the commuinty was not just being used to put me down, it was actively being used to cut me off from any resources that could keep me stable or keep me afloat in any way possible. It was life or death sometimes in a way, cause community can be grounding and supportive and we all rely on having access to resources, sharing, networking and options sometimes of that nature, but I was cut off from most.

That's just one example, but this enemy has foreseen much more could happen as the connection between me and 30STM escalates, for how well they could continue to support me, and how much that would put them to shame. They are afraid of things going well for me, so they are deeply invested in preventing me from succeeding with 30STM. That's why they've sent out their most impressive guy to actually get a job with the band.

How they do this, as I've mentioned in the previous post, is through psychic battery. Now, I understand that the idea that a person can cause psychic battery is known as delusion. I can explain myself, and I don't believe it is. It's a really long explanation, one that I've only just begun to offer in my previous posts. Essentially, teachings of Ayahuasca provide an ancient format for conceptualizing of these issues in a very different way than is done in the West. Although I understand this is put down in the West, I could offer this information compellingly so that it would actually seem really interesting. But I wouldn't put this kind of teaching of Ayahuasca on my main resources cause it can be very destabilizing for Westerners to explore these ideas without proper guidance from the medicine or some kind of a cultural background or method which can help condition them psychologically to process these kinds of views. But there are some beliefs in the West that could be mentioned here, such as the belief in black magic itself. Some people do believe in "witchcraft" even in the USA. And witchcraft is essentially what the medicine teaches.

Frankly, when someone is barraged with psychic attacks very severely in Ayahuasca, it's normally considered witchcraft which is taught as stemming from malpractice with certain potent yet dangerous plants of the Amazon in combination with extreme practices. Through my visions with Ayahuasca, I've understood how this type of thing can be done even outside of Peruvian plants and typical witchcraft and poisons related to Ayahuasca. It's a deep thing, and I'll give you an example of what I think it's like in the West sometimes : Christian prayer. It's my view that some Christians when they pray, they are praying with deep seated intentions of harm. They believe that dark powers and evil forces will consume their enemies through supposedly the power of God, or something like that, although this is viewed as an underbelly of God itself which works in their favour using violence. It could be related to notions of God's vengeance and wrath. Some see this as an idea to do with turning evil forces towards God's will as God commands all. They fail to recognize deeper truths of love and peace that were taught by Christ.

In these practices, they cause harms against others physically and they believe superstitiously that this renders these evil powers to use through prayer alone. Also, others can join with those who have done these extensive physical harms, and gain the powers by co-operation. The ones doing the physical harms to gain the powers imagine that others will always join as their minions to serve them, as part of the power. That's the kind of thing going on at CoSM Chapel of Sacred Mirrors when they pray. As a sidenote, on many occasions in earlier years, I have had dreams that were obviously a result of their prayers at thier branded CoSM Church. These dreams were extremely manipulative, designed to cause me to unwittingly fall into a trap through tricks of perception and emotion in the dream, and do things that seemed obviously dangerous, such as unblock CoSM and attempt to make contact with their staff. I never did this and saw right through it, but I was very deeply offended by their psychic assault. These psychic assaults have taken many countless forms in my life. They have been relentless, and now it's come to head now that they've joined 30STM staff.

Now I'll continue from the previous section to describe what it's been like for me going through this psychic battery from them, specifically to do with this staff member more recently. This problem has always been going on for such a long time. The more I've found Jared (and Shannon in toe with him) have been interested in me and my art, the more this has increased.

There have been times when the evil spell seemed to break but generally it has continued to bubble to the surface to cause trouble about every little thing to do with anything between me and Jared. The result of observing this patterns led me to write the paragraph before this accordion panel. I've seen it as an intrusion upon what might be considered a beautiful co-creative and positive energy between Jared, with healthy inspirations to align myself with him in ways that would be mutually beneficial.

It seems they take that beautiful co creative field between us, which they somehow get a grasp of what it is, and as I said before "making the whole thing into a disaster so that a) Jared's needs will be re-framed as negative, b) Jared's needs will be met poorly, along with mishaps that also harm him, c) I will be blamed for any harm caused in the process, d) or ideally I will be seen as a failure somehow or another at every step along the way, e) I will come to hate Jared or at least resent him in some way." But their ultimate goal as I mentioned is to fully cut me off from 30STM.

But there's more. After I started putting up these posts I started to feel it was much worse than ever. The most recent issue was that after my last post, I felt just plugged into the matrix, forced to be exposed to their battery in a very torturous way. It was sheer torture that day, and clearly the entire thing was just aggravating me about exposing the issue, trying to get me to do as they say. After this I will catalogue an indepth list of their instructions which I have felt battered and threatened into doing. I'm thinking about just following thier instructions now if that would help a lot.

But also just one more thing I want to share about before. I mentioned earlier that I've been having problems managing my weight and exercising. Well I've also been having the perception that this was caused by this enemy completely. I think they have some ability to cause a feeling of heaviness in my body and make me unable to move sometimes, and cause me to take actions like eating more. These would be considered my own issues, not attibutable to psychic battery, but it is my suspicion that it's been happening as a scheme to make me not wnat to model anymore, in such a way which would hurt my feelings and anger me.

As well, during my photoshoots, I've experienced a very heightened sense of this battery, and it's been giving me the impression as if Jared has been some kind of abusive force behind it specifically during photoshoots, and I think it was them and their tricks. Due to that, the quality of my modelling has lowered, and it's hard for me to enjoy modelling at all anymore. That's been getting worse, and now they've added that I can't enjoy my pictures anymore, even my favourites. The vibe's just not really there anymore, and they'd like that to look like it was just my own insecurities about myself but I must say, it's obviously their abuse and nothing to do with me.

There is more that I'd like to share about all this, but I think I'll leave it for another time. Sometime in the future I'd like to explain more somewhere about how exactly it is that I feel they are doing this. I believe that they have a system which can be exposed. This is a personal theory of mine about how legal action against these types of violators could work. It's loosely related to the legal idea tortious interference. In my understanding, I believe that this enemy has been fooled into falling into a lawsuit trap, by employing certain protected copyright trade secrets that have been specifically engineered for use in lawsuit capturing like this. It's not just tortious interference, it's a combination of factors, and it's only through certain methods that it can be legally used. Also, I'm not a lawyer, but this is just a theory I've been developing. Later I can talk about my ideas in the other Raw & Uncensored blog.

My Plan For How To Resolve This

In brainstorming what I can do to resolve this crisis, it has occurred to me that if the agenda of this enemy and 30STM's needs happen to be the same in some ways, that's very unfortunate and causes me a huge difficulty in sorting and processing how to go through things. I feel crunched and pushed on all levels about this, and certain that just following the instructions appears dangerous, premature, and likely to cause unfortunate complications, due to the battery involved. But if these needs are important to 30STM for sake of aligning a postiive future, it seems useful to try to make it a possibility. I'm currently devising if I can use these instructions for the good.

Here is a breakdown of the items that have been insistently demanded of me in psychic battery format, especially over the last days while I've been exposing this issue, but also in a longterm obvious agenda.

- Take my existing website for my business and completely restructure the fee structure. My rate will be very low, much lower than it's ever been, for the hour, but there will be the option of add-ons you can add onto the base rate, to provide the option for a flexible and create-it-yourself more personalized option of how my services will be rendered. For the base rate alone, we can just talk, and the main subject of our conversation will be negotiation of what add-ons you want, to personalize your experience. Now, for many reasons this kind of idea makes me very insecure and uncomfortable.

- Delete my Patreon where I sell my lingerie modelling photos, which pays my subscription to Dita Von Teese. Of course I model the lingerie of Dita Von Teese and some of the proceeds pay for me to be subscribed to her. But this will have to be completely deleted, or else just completely rebranded with all different tiers with not a trace of lingerie modelling anywhere on it. Then, reconnect the Patreon to UNITY LIFE, and a suggestion has been made that it could be tiers that pay for you buy with your Patreon subscription, stuff from The UNITY LIFE shop, for instance.

- Of course, keep all the lingerie completely permanently deleted from the instagram

- Also, stop modelling lingerie permanently, in any way, or through any venue.

Apparently, removing my Patreon, changing my instagram image and keying down my business could enhance my abilty to safely travel the USA / Canadian border, allowing me safe passage to at least visit for concerts, or whatever. I still don't think that would allow me to immigrate to USA to live there for a job or anything, but it could be convenient for them. It could also make my content on the instagram less controversial and more easy to process for a wider diversity of people, allowing 30STM more freedom to promote me as an artist they are working with, should they ever want to, even on a smaller scale such as even just spreading around gossip.

In order to get this under control, I'm thinking of pausing my work on art and The 7 of 9, and 16(2) now and other things I had planned, and devoting myself to a 2 week process to get this situatoin in order without an issue. Now, just that alone, that it has to be prioritized immediately because I've been under battery, is in itself a problem, and there has been the big problem that my lingerie posts were already deleted without explanation (which is a huge issue). But just to see if I could forge forward while minimizing the damage, here's my 2 week plan :

- Make a gateway page that introduces all Dita’s resources on a single page on UNITY LIFE, similar to the Timeline ://A\\rc)}’Hi\\V//e: for 30STM, runs through just about every UNITY LIFE Resource created that centers around them. This page would be a one stop shop for everything UNITY LIFE to do with Dita Von Teese, nicely synergized.

- Contact my subscribers who support me financially on Patreon for the modelling and offer them a bank of photos in a password protected space, with continued access to anything further that I produce, if i ever comes out again despite these horrible problems right now making it seem like it kinda won't. This would be in thanks for their support for so long and in apology for not offering any new modelling for the past month.

- Rebrand the patreon completely to no longer host or hint of any past lingerie modelling

- Create an artistic illustration of myself as a paper doll which can have Dita Von Teese lingerie added onto her body, to show the lingerie that I own, and offer a beautiful game to teach people which lingerie I have. For now, the art can be a quick starting point, but I'll eventually keep upgrading the quality of the artwork. This will be offered as a physical product on my shop for anyone who promises they are 22+ by filling out a form or something like that, I think. The doll will come in the mail with the link to access the photo bank. So you get the doll and the photos too and it's expensive. And you have to be old enough. That way it can be presented without controversy on instagram.

- Create a new pinned post for Kurt Cobain / NIRVANA which includes the 72 FACETS (IN 144) and something exciting about Foo Fighters for a cool upgrade, as a very hyper packed, overfull fan art carousel post for instagram that shows like a ton of the most relevant fan art I've done and the best I have to offer about these bands in particular. That will take a lot of work cause I probably have to do some writing for The 72 FACES (IN 144) at least, plus organize some FF stuff. Then make that my first pinned post. That leaves one pinned post open, and it can be for Dita Von Teese fan art. The third will continue to be for MM and 30STM combined.

Try changing my business around with this modular system and see what I can accomplish with that model. See if I get a decent form of money from it. Now that's the scariest part cause I worry that I will lose money, and losing ANY money right now really is make or break for me, so I'll have to try to finagle a way to do this where I can respond quickyl if I'm finding it's not successful after a short time testing it out. It's terrifying, but I can see what they've been driving at, so I'll see what I can do.

If doing all this becomes impossible to manage due to the battery, I will release the goal to get a job with 30STM and instead pursue other stars to ask them to hire me. In fact, just the idea to ask Krist Novoselić instead is starting to sound a whole lot fuckin better than THIS motherfuckin shit, but anyway, where I'm currently at is to give this a try because my heart is still set on doing my best to resolve this for Jared and 30STM. I'm feeling wonderful about them and the dream of working with them, and plus I know they have their hearts set on it too, and it feels wrong to put the brakes on the whole process. That said, I need a more immediate solution for money right now. I think maybe just my business, cause even contacting Krist at all with this plea for help, even if I asked him for a short term solution right now to help me get by, might take quite a while. Krist also is pretty slow to interact with, just as 30STM are showing me currently that they are. Frankly, I had a very different approach I wanted to take than this one, but I can tell the problems will keep assaulting if I don't follow these commands. It's just not up to me what I do with my body, my website, my instagram, or my life anymore. That's all. And once again if any of this happens to align with 30STM's interests, that's deeply unfortunate.

Conclusion

I hope this will help. This is kinda the response also to what Mary said, that Jared was going through a hard time. I just want to say to Jared if he gets this message, I'm so sorry to hear that if it's true. I hope I can help in some way, but I don't want to inadvertently make things worse. I'll be doing my best to help and not inadvertently contribute at all to the issues through how I handle it. But he knows that. Anyway I also want to say, I'll be tuning in with my favourite stars for their spiritual support in the issue too. If I feel I'm bending too much on the issue here and it's not healthy, or I've got some need to adjust my strategy, I'll make adjustments as the inspirations arrive. Once anyone reads this or just through spiritual love, it should come through with a wave of energetic support to assist me in this difficult time.

Afterthoughts

I mentioned that I will come back here to share if anything seems to come up intuitively as a response. I'll share with you, whenever I've posted anything significant about my favourite stars, I always get intuitive responses from them. Each star has their own special style how it comes through. I had strong response this morning. Marilyn Manson, it often comes up quickly and suddenly with very complex detailed and funny, wise, and supportive ideas (lol). I think he's a very fast thinker, but he's just so funny too :) NIRVANA, it comes up as like an overall like a huge system has always been in place to cause realizations like gearwork that work on a template.

And Jared and Shannon each have their unique styles. Jared, it comes up like as a simulation of how the information may have reached him, like it feels like at first he heard a quick note about what it basically is and mulled it over a bit with initial thoughts, but then after a few days, it's like he got to look at it more carefully at some point and he also had a chance to think about it more, so it works out to emotionally charged positive ideas that sound like him from that more decided and intentful place. Shannon, it's like sticky notes from Shannon are added just in a burst, with a series of points he wanted to add, just at key moments when things are coming up that matter to it. As well, it's sometimes like supportive questions and feelings of pull towards hopes. Dita's always an atmosphere. She comes through with intellectual humour combined with glamour atmosphere, and so does Courtney Love, usually with intellectual humour as the style in her classically insightful style.

Anyway, you can see I'm in a better mood today already. This morning I felt something cleared thanks to putting up the post. I'm already getting help. It came up this morning as intuition from NIRVANA and Jared that it seems like these bad guys had a distinct plan to get me to be tricked by them in a specific thing they were planning. It seems they wanted to have someone offer me a home to stay in LA and make it look like they were from 30STM but not say that, but just make it look like that as much as they could, with the invite to live in an art residency in LA appearing as though it was somehow 30STM to orchestrate that. I would go to LA, but then things would fall through once I had lost my cozy apartment in Vancouver and my ability to be stable. When things fall through in a foreign country, it's more disastrous.

Also Jared seemed to feel it was a stereotypical classic for them to go with a model that I'd suppose say, connecting with Jared at a meet and greet and hving a quick conversation with him there would be my destined moment of opportunity, and so I would go through all these preparations to go through to USA for a concert, that Jared had already planned to work out a deal with me there while pretending it was all just serendipity in the moment to come up with the notion to actually negotiate with me then about the job. While of course, that type of thing seems silly. Well to me that's a silly way for Jared to arrange things, since a meet and greet is a really structured container. But Jared came across just like he noticed, if I could be tricked to really think that, it would make me look dumb to other kinds of fans and Echelon who are all accustomed to the sense of a very sealed container to a meet and greet where it's really not so much just an "anything goes" kinda space.

I think the idea about the residency in LA sounds like the good lead of the two, although my only idea of what this thing was about the border had so far been the concert, so I like the style with Jared to examine that. I feel like he listens to me. Anyway, so it's like, this residency, it reminds me of course of the art grant that I received from that guy from The 7 of 9 who started to blow his fuse and break criminal law, who I thought was on 30STM staff unauthorized. A lot of times I went back and forth — was he 30STM staff or was he just from CoSM trying his damndest to make it look as though he was? The deepest theory was that quite a while back 30STM actually invited guys like that onto their staff, to trick them and make them think that they were tricking 30STM by infiltrating silently. They turned the trick around, feeling that as their own staff, this gave them more recourse for anything that would be done against them. But many times I've wondered if I was actually just tricked by CoSM.

I just want to say, if this guy was not actually part of 30STM staff, I have to find this out in order to fix my writings on the 7 of 9 Process Artifact Journal about what happened, and I look forward to it somehow being clarified just WTF that was. I tend to suspect that it was the staff of the band, because I wonder how they got these ideas of what it would seem is good for Jared. But I wonder sometimes, did they just get the ideas off me? Cause actually I have been really teacherly about mutual benefit and shared allied mutual interests between me and 30STM in some ways, and perhaps they gathered from my posts and stuff. Even the thing about me wanting to be able to travel the USA border safetly to see them at a concert someday was said on the website. So there is the chance it has not even been close to Jared and Shannon, so I hope I haven't misrespresented the issue.

But anyway, this has really gotten me clarified here at least that I'll have to definitely make sure I don't believe it ever if someone quietly approaches me and doesn't say that they are part of the staff. Now with Mary, it's a totally different story. She's not being an issue at all. I feel like that's so different. I felt that 30STM was offering a psychological therapy breakdown model and it was designed for healthy introspection, and I just love the idea that she's an "actor", like really she's an actor on their staff (lol) and I noticed intuitively it's like ideas of any of their staff, the term seems to come up of what their "role" is for 30STM haha, cause Jared's an actor. It's so fun to think of a team of actors working with Jared (lol). But I just mean in things that seem fishy like anything to do with big money or opportunities such as a grant or anything that requires me to throw something down like time and effort I don't want to give without incentive, with later incentive implied.

And I just want to add just some of my own perspectives that came up this morning about CoSM too. This whole piece of shit that they've been trying to interfere with my lingerie modelling. I want to say, the hexing of that looks churchy to me. Always CoSM has hexed me for my sexuality. Alex and Allyson councilled with Delvin that they didn't want me to be his friend anymore because they saw me as a slut, and they thought that I was to be considered a danger to his upcoming marriage with CoSM staff (and he eventually married Grace, the food maker at CoSM). I found that to align with the church evil of condemning women's bodies and sexuality, demonizing women for it. At their circles, Alex and Allyson used to tell the staff that if they weren't willing to get married, ideally to someone on CoSM staff hopefully, they will be released from the staff. Delvin told me that. He also shared a recording of their council circles, and it was interesting that Alex and Allyson broke into a harsh bitch fight with each other about what kind of prayer to say. Alex started brutally criticizing Allyson, if she included something in the prayer or not, and she started pissing fire back at him. They really don't seem that nice behind the scenes even to each other.

Anyway, it is CoSM rules, or was at the time, that you can either get married or fuck off. I mean they'll allow you to date for years first but you're expected to keep on the path with your one partner at least. In their churchy obsession with marriage, they see the idea that you have to rip out of your life any "threats to the marriage" and I was seen as a target there. They told Delvin that they found his usual cheating ways to be the stuff of scandal at CoSM which presents them with threat, but they chose to blame others for it. They considered me his temptations. Delvin fully embraced that and demonized me in servitude to their council. That was years before our friendship ended. He secretly started to plan an elaborate turning against me and removal of me in a harmful way aligned with CoSM's dark notions of hatred against women.

So this just sounds so them to want to interfere with the empowerment of my lingerie modelling. I mean actually, the whole plan was totally hashed out from Day 1 in feeling of intuitive connection with Dita, to use this whole lingerie thing against them. I associate Dita with protection, and the protection of Marilyn Manson which I deeply sense. I started it off just with that intention like "Somehow Dita's protection in the lingerie will shield and keep me safe from CoSM's hatred against women's sexuality and their bodies". And what happened was, when it went off so beautifully glamorous, empowering and inspiring, this put CoSM to shame. This showed my beauty was inside and out and that I had never been superficial or unconscious bout sexuality, something they had falsely claimed about me. They had been convincing many people that I am dissociative and not present in sexuality, to the point of extreme.

This proved the opposite, and everyone sorta learned to respect it eventually, even those who are uptight about this kind of content. Some people still don't feel comfortable with those photos too much, but they do realize that they are aligning with mysoginistic evil if they would persecute me for it, and that brings those conscious self realignments to the surface. They have to wrestle with their conscience if they are against the photos. They want to deny that they have cruelly judged, and so they more prefer to angrily deny such allegations that thtey are rejecting my art on a whole or me personally because of these photos. They start to iron out their thoughts and realize, it's impotant not to associate discomfort with sexuality just purely with a whole person and all their artwork or allow yourself to just compartmentalize those painful feelings into quickly jumping to harsh conclusions about my psychology and weather I'm shallow or fucked up sexually like freaky damaged goods, someone to be afraid of.

That's been totally working really well, so that's put CoSM to shame. So it's no wonder they are on some kind of a rampage against this content. I really think on a personal level, just as a human, Jared's top quality for not having an issue with the photos, but I do know it is actually controversil content and my main source of money is not ever likely going to be from modelling really, so it's not like the hugest incentive to drill it in at all costs necessarily. It's just right now the incentive I get from it is defence from CoSM. And again yeah, I could believe it if it would be in the itnerests of 30STM sometime for my page to seem less controversial overall. But again this just seems so premature and it smells fishy in a way, you know? I like the idea of just naturally and organically and comfortably finding a flow to eventually trail off with this modelling sometime in replacing it with next level art that works even better as the same essence. But I am pretty conflicted here. A part of me just wants to put the modelling posts right back.

I already feel more of an emotional clearing that I could bring back the posts now. Cause another hing I was getting in intuitive response was from NIRVANA, was this seems like the breaking point if this takes me off track from The 7 of 9 and 16(2) for a whole 2 weeks to deal with this. I felt NIRVANA's influence like "Neh — those bitches can fuck themselves if they fuckin need 2 weeks off from this project NOW. This is not a good time. In 2 weeks this could be done with The 16 KEYS. This doesn't mesh".

At the same time though, I've been getting intuition from Marilyn Manson throughout this whole process. It seemed he was asking me, "What is your true artistic direction? Can you honestly tell me from the bottom of your heart and soul that making this doll really is your truth as an artist, and I mean on the highest. Cause we don't pump out lower grade quality art around here. As long as it's mystically accurate, you know?!". And in response to that, I wrote in my diaries my breakdown of what I felt it symbolized in the doll. I was sure that I have a mystical arrangement of true and more core views that could work with this as high art, but the identity of the doll being me personally does complexify it and make it seem like it might not be as easy and straightforward of a piece to teach and self-demonstrate with it.

I see Courtney Love as a simulated reality of myself, a mirror reflection. Same with Paris Hilton. Both have used dolls as an archetype, and I believe for me that symbolizes simulated realtiies. If it's a simulation of reality of me which comes out as dolls, my abilty to explore a mirror reflection somehow as who I am is like saying I can find myself in things like light, water, air, things around me, and it's all me. But I like to emphasize the master's wisdom teaching "all is within" because although universal truth is within all around us as the same self, it's more anchoring and helpful to others if they'd explore meditation and self-inquiry. So how to express this idea you know? I thought it was about consent.

If I have consented to the doll being explored in one way or another, it's an extension of myself through my own art, so this is a message about the universe expressing itself in universal dentiy from the creator to the creation, from the artist to like the doll or whatever artwork. Like it's a message like "How you treat my art is how you treat me on some level. And no one's here to police you in how you treat my art when you own it as an item or are enjoying it with licence, but you feel when you've done something wrong, don't you?".

And so Marilyn Manson came through intuitively as a response and was like "No worries if it's not done yet as a big mystic level I guess, if you are comfortable just doing a basic first start piece. You don't mind if it's just a starter point piece of art, it's not the fully complete doll. So in this first version if you're currently sensitive about the experience right now of being exploited sexually as you've been expressing, and this feels pushed on you to hurry, and it seems playing with a doll can symbolize exploitation against a body and it seems that this has a threatening atmosphere of abuse right now so it's not the empowered step right now ... here's a thought. Why don't you do the first version as a Manson doll? It can be you, but you clarify that it's actually a look alike of you but the identity of the doll is Marilyn Manson and this doll's spirit is not your own. And make the doll black with gold tattoos of marker done through a stencil, to align with the earlier mystic impressions that I have black skin with gold tattoos on a deeper dimension of reality just like Popovy Sisters did their statue of me as black with gold paint on it which you saw after that mystic experience and saw they somehow had the same insight. And Popovy Sisters inspires you in this doll, so this would work?"

I thought that seemed like a mindblowingly good idea for how to start it off, so that I have more protection from Marilyn Manson. And the thing is, my art lately has been feeling a bit imbalaned from MM and more into the 30STM side of things, just because MM's stuff is often secret and in a surprise. So right now I'm holding MM secrets nad yet that's bugged me that I don't have instagram shows about him, and I feel emotional connection to the Mansonites. I feel a hunger to please them with more Manson content. I have one Manson post ready soon. But yeah, this would work as a nice way to break, just if the pain that these psychic assaults have caused have really been too much to make me feel honestly fully at peace with my lingerie photos anymore right now.

Maybe one way to do it is to put back my favourites, the GOAT posts from before, and not include the newer ones when the psychic assaults were more heavy during the modelling experiences. And then announce it like that I have decided to do this doll, but not have it like instead of modelling. But there's also NIRVANA's advice to just say fuck it to the idea of taking a 2 week break just for all this bullshit. And I think that will probably be what wins. NIRVANA'S King. NIRVANA always rules like the king of everything. All the superstars want to be involved with NIRVANA, they all wish to be somehow involved in their special secrets and co-create with them. I mean I resonate as well quite deeply too with just not taking a break for all this diversion. Just put back the posts and call it a fucking day, cause maybe writing all this on the website will clear the evil assaults enough for me. I think that's the best idea, but then I also love Manson's idea for the doll for later, I think.

Then if I do that black doll of me later as Marilyn Manson, I will be able to say that it's something about Lindsay, Manson's wife. Cause I think Lindsay is a simulated reality as well, and she loves Popovy Sisters, and I believe one reason she promotes that so much is because she is into that idea that she's a simulated reality. I believe that she is Marilyn Manson in the form of a simulation of a woman, his creation, of himself, what he would be as the perfect wife for himself. Just like Dita. I always wondered, why would he create the perfect wife in a simulation, as that it leads to divorce? I just laughed and thought "OMG haha, whatever's convenient to the narrative he's spinning (lol)".

That's why I used to earlier wonder if him and Lindsay would break up or something, cause you just never know even thought I believe she's the simulation created by him as perfect for him. But now I really think they're staying together, it appears. I couldn't imagine them divorcing. I have reached the point where if they divorce, I'd be about as crushed as a small child finding out their parents are divorcing after the parents always said "Don't worry. Mommy and Daddy love each other. We will NEVER divorce" (lol). That's what my parents used to say to me, and they divorced (lol). Haha. That would make a mark on me, and so many other Mansonites would feel the same, especially now, but thankfully it doesn't look like it will happen (lol).

Haha, this could be a whole post in itself it's been so long. I guess I'll just leave it in this post though cause it's in direct response to before. I'll even add more if there's more.

Oh and one more thing, just about my business. I'm still weighing it out. IT IS really important that I don't do anything like fully brutally forced into it against my will, or else I can tell the vibe will not be there for the customers and it will not work. But a part of me worries that some of it has been part of the psychic assault why I've felt sooooo much resistence to certain changes in my business. I've been scared by CoSM and the church, feeling that I need to negotiate SOMETHING around the lines of "you pay more so you get more" and design that in, but in such a way so that I can negotiate more freely and with more diversity to cater to lower budgets and higher ones, without losing either. But I think some of it is programming from the church when I feel like time is the only thing I can use.

I feel like time is the one descriptive factor that's closest I guess to what it really is that I'm selling, and that's honest for me just as a "pay more to get more" strategy. But on the other hand, if I start to use a language that associates price with other things, that just seems like it's catering to ease and flow just to give more options and a real sense of what's open and possible to negotiate for a variety of needs and situations. So if the sense of condemnation for not being as deeply true to my beliefs and values of time and what it symbolizes is getting too much central importance, then I guess maybe that's not what's best. It comes down to it that if I compromise my values of how I structure my language, it's very formal that this situation was forced on me from outside, so I shouldn't fear the idea that I'm somehow involved with corruption.

Anyway, it's obviously a real double bind that I'm put in here by this way that the business has been radically assaulted to make it seem like I have to cater to some kind of "failing economy" or some shit, which I bet isn't even true to this extent in this city. When the people that live in this city are paying like $3000 and $5000 for rent, what is their income? They can't afford $100 here and there? Anwyay yeah, it's not the economy I think. It's the assault on my business which is forcing this double bind, but at least it's not my own corruption if I have to sacrifice some ethics here.

I think what I'll try to do is make it very fluid and flexible how I make the changes to my advertising and website, and just make sure I can change it anytime, not have it like a huge invested deep permanent shift that I have to remain committed to in order to be consistent. Just be fluid. I can even say, I'm currently in an experimental process right now with the fee structure. I'm really scared of this low base fee just to negotiate in person though. That's really scary for me and I definitely feel the most fraid of that, so I think that will not happen. If that happens someday, later when these enemies are off the staff or they're somehow no longer a problem, that seems like when the natural time is to empoweringly and confidently with assurance and comfort, trust the unfolding path to create something that bold and coming from a sense of safety.

But whatever I do I better damn well do it now. I've got only 4 days to come up with like $800 at absolute bare minimum to my rent and essential bills and advertising costs. This month has been so tight. And I have a lot of groceries I need too. It's like "Forget groceries for the next week or two, really".

« Previous Spiritual Intuition With Jared Leto & More on The Deletion of My Lingerie Posts Lingerie Posts Recovered ⨺ Reflections on How That Went Next »