Update On How Things Are Going - A New Doll & No Word From 30STM About The Job

And it was obvious that their demands were compromising, but ideas like making beautiful dolls or art illustrations were my adaptive way of coming up with a safe and healthy execution of these cruel orders, things like "Remove all your lingerie modelling off every platform now". Sad story that I could ever imagine Jared being that negative about modelling. I mean, he's done a music video with Dita Von Teese, and dated models in the longterm. The brujerîa was abusing me to make me feel I just dont' measure up and fall into those high end categories like say Dita or like, Valerie, or anyone like that, and were making me feel like a whore. So it was posed to me in the brujería like that because I don't measure up to that level, I fall into a much moer controversial category as a model with serious problems possible within my self-promotional field as it may be enhanced by the job — because my pictures are low budget and easy to do, then combine that iwth the look which says "She hasn't ever had much money". 

I'm so hurt by their story about picturing me as a whore, but I feel like I've really learned a lot, at least, about how that mentality functions against women and their bodies. I've chronicled that in these blogs, and it was a learning experience as a feminist. 

Anyway, I mentioned on my personal instagram but want to add here : When I put up my new index page for Dita, something I knew would be necessary in order to properly rehash my fan art presentation of the Glambassador modelling of her lingerie line, I actually put up a record of all the instgram captions I was able to save before deleting them. I did finally delete them, and they're probably gone forever, but I have the photos and videos saved, and the captions are now recorded. But unfortunately some were lost in the last wave of deletions caused by the brujería, the critical event that took me past my limit and made me snap and start writing this blog here. I felt fully forced to delete those posts before I was ready, so some of the reels couldn't be recovered due to instagram malfunction and I lost some great captions. But regardless, the most important thing is that this docuemnted the brujería.

I didn't realize how much those captions showed so well how the brujería was working and when it started heavily on this track. It's amazing. The thing is, through this blog, I had realized that it was from a larger network surrounding CoSM Chapel of Sacred Mirrors which is a church that has many religions associated with it. But by viewing the captions, I realized that they totally confirmed that in a clear timeline, one which I hadn't been aware of until now. But it makes sense to what I've been saying in these blogs. It all started when the miracle, the materialization out of thin air, of Dita's lingerie new with the tags, took place. I remember it felt kinda stressed and pushed to write the master archive in a way, while previous archives had felt flowing and easy to write. Anwyay, that was no worries actually, but right after that one I posted an attack on the church about how they've suppressed narratives about these miracles. 

The whole writing project with the modelling had been originally intended to put them to shame with their ridiculous slander over the years against me. They always wanted to say things like that I have multiple personality disorder, like I might seem nice, but I have a nasty side nad you can see it in my trash modelling, and they dig that up by stalking me and find it, then smear stories about it cause they just take a picture nad say anything about it. But once I started putting the articles up with the pictures, it wsa so different. Everyone started seeing those would be lies, and the proof was right there for them all to see. Yet I suppose that wasn't enough to really get them going. when this came out with the miracle as being a way high spiritual level, something actually much more ethically sound than their perspective on these things, they were outraged. 

I knew at the time I wrote that gold coin archive that UNITY LIFE was preparing on a battle against the church. I thought this was just stage 1 of a grander piece in the longterm against the church now, all without going against my dear father who is an Anglican minister, and it was exquisitely well executed here. They like to tear apart my family and they wish my issues with the church meant issues with my own Dad but they will not get it now, we have a stronger family now. But the thing is, it's been like around 6 months since that gold coin archive was written, and I'm surprised how long it took, but my premonition came true. Now it's the battle on at UNITY LIFE against the church, but I'm saying it's mainly CoSM and just mysogynistic historical bad stuff how it's infected the church, really. I don't promote religion, but it's obvious that it comes down to human beings and how individiauls behave, not a spearate thing of a religion just that. Cause my Dad is the best, and lots of religious people actually are. But as an institution it just has an infection and I'm against that. 

So that was posted and from there the brujería started, and it was only much later that it started against Jared Leto. 

Anyway, problems at work are back. They went away for a while but as anticipated and as usual, it is back again. Last month was better than the month before, but the last few days have been hell, but overall we'll see how the month progresses. Here's hoping. I haven't gotten word back from 30STM about the job. Something in me tells me not to panic, but it's tripped out that they started interacting with me more, in SUCH an incredibly precise nad fully timed out structured way to really show deliberateness, after I requested the job. Then, once I posted that story to instagram that it had been taking place, they stopped interacting. For 2 days of that, Jared was unplugged in the studio. But still, it's just obvious that this is part of their structure. I see it as some kind of a trick maybe or whatever, but I'm still so foggy on whta it is. I'm assuming things will all reveal themselves and it should go well. That said, it has an ominous feel, and I'm weirded out by it. I feel it's creepy to be sitting around in silence from them right now. But I am REALLY busy just processing all this situation anyway, so just keeping myself super busy. Frankly, I need to water the garden more regularly, not stress about 30STM, when I know they are on my team for sure. Trust has been built between us over a long period of time. I can wait it out with some confidence just based on all we've been through together so far.  

I'm not done yet with this first panel as you can see, and the other one would benefit from my writing too. I've downloaded a good comic font to sit with meditations of writing the thoughts and words and captions. But this led me the next day to doing something of me as the main character. Then I got the idea to use my previous concept documented in this blog, to make a doll of myself inspired by Popovy Sisters dolls, just as a comic. I felt really comfortable with that, because it doesn't feel like they'd think it means "use me as a voodoo doll" it just says "This is a way to document my modelling now that I had to take the photos down". And I know the story around the central character for me is a bit on the slightly depressing side, but it was inspired by this dark story of how Lindsay survived heavy scandals and remained loyal in her marriage, being a gorgeous glam queen through it all of course (lol). I just knew I was going through my own scandals, which I had parallelled in the new archive with Manson's scandals, and shown the connection. So i felt awesome about the result. 

Anyway, the thing is, I still feel really bad about my appearance, in the mirror in pictures, and now increasingly just all the time. It's like I'm much more judgemental of little things about my face now like if my makeup coloring is perfect and stuff. I mean I could use more money for better makeup but it's not a big deal really. It never has been before so why is it so big for me right now? I'm obviously under terrible brujería just making me feel like an absolute looks disaster when I realize that's just perception and sorcery causing it. I really know, I used to love most of my pictures taken under the same lighting, with the same techniques, in teh same room and position in the room, and nothing has changed, but now I can't get a good picture anymore. I have gained a bit of weight but it's not that issue cause I used to love my pictures when I was heavier. Some of my all time favourite modelling photos are actually from an earlier time before I went on a diet, when I was about my current weight. 

I'm actually in a position where right now, seeing some old pictures of Lindsay when she was quite heavy, during the scandals, and her hair wasn't as perfect, really make me feel a lot better about myself. I think "Just like Lindsay, I'll get better and I'll look better when the sorcery stops on me". Because yeah, maybe the pictures aren't as good in a lot of ways too just because I feel so bad about how I look, and that affects modelling and of course, overall health has been more of an issue which can subtly affect appearance. There's no need to separate perception from reality in a way. I do want to look better, but I really think as important as that is, it's like what I need is both to look better and perceive more lovingly to my looks. I love myself but tthis brujera has made it completely unworkable. I know they want to say I had the look bomb when I had the wig, and that's the only thing. Like my new hair has dstroyed the look and I'm just not seeing that side of it. But I think they don't like my nice new hair cause the story of how I got it was despite them and against them and was part of the story of their evil trying to antagonize me financially not to get my new hair, not to feel I deserve that. Real hair's not perfect, but I'm sure it's sexier in a way cause it's more natural. 

OK that's the update and just want to say, as I write this, I feel amazing about the Lindsay part. I can't wait to finish my Lindsay comics and show her on instagram. I think she will look. She always loves it just like she loves my best friend Jazzy's comic art like that. I really look forward to showing her my special story of what a wonderful artist she is, and wonderful wife to Manson. I really honestly can't believe how enjoyable thier story is to me on a romance level. I really think of them with love. I know they just knew it was the right thing and meant to be between them. They've been through it all just like I have with some of my best friends, in hard times, and become the GOAT besties forever, as best couple. And I digress though (lol) ....

Because last thing, gotta run but I forgot to mention : Speaking of stars looking when I tag them. I know Dita checks out her tags from me. I've tagged her reporting the issue of the censorship and brujería now finally, and I felt confident in that choice. I never wanted this to be a sad story but things were not resolved for far too long and it was looking bad on the instagram. I simply knew, in my accountability to connection in what it means that she has responded to me to appreciate my art and show me she cares, when I posted the miracles and the Nocturnelle archive that these illustrations are based on, I really know our connection matters in a special way. What matters at least to me is that I'm consistent and showing that I'm continuing to loyally progress on this mission. And she knows in her heart, it's not a lack of loyalty if I failed. But I just believe in those hard ass styles as to how to describe it, you know? I'm strict about fan loyalty and consistency. I believe, if I lack consistentcy in the ongoing mission, that sends a signal to Dita that I'm not as interested in her art anymore and I wasn't that real about it from the start. At least in a surface way. And I just don't believe in letting those signals go out there. Now she knows, I've lost the track, but that was not a DECISION. The decision, she knows now, is to reclaim it as a high quality deal the best I can, however I can, when I can, with modelling. And if it takes a long time, fine if dolls and art happens instead but it better be good. 

Taking down the posts again, it was assuming it's overall better to always adapt creatively to the brujería rather than going head to head against it, whenever possible, to lower the aggressions and show them they never win when they think they do win. It's more, like that Courtney Love line"They'll get what they want, but they'll never want it again". That's the best style usually I think. Let them win and they'll never want to "win" again on YOU, when they se, you are like a God of creative adaptation and strategy around anything like that. So you might say I've lost the battle but I'll win the war, but I think also I won the battle here when I reported it to Dita. Now she fully understands and I know she is on my team about this just 100%.