Monthly Update On How It's Going ... Threat of Losing Motorhome From Missed Payments, Overwhelmed With Stress

The animations below are midjourney art by Ba Adonai ))

And I think I've mentioned somewhere but I thought I'd mention again, that used to happen to me on Facebook with CoSM. Like I had totally blocked CoSM from my facebook page and personal profile, and any of their accounts, but then they still kept coming up in my feed, mysteriously unblocked somehow. And actually it's really weird too cause the same thing happened with Billy Corgan for some weird reason. Like this happened multiple times. I know there are glitches on Facebook but it's just not right to be getting this multiple times n a repeatedly blocked user that they're magically unblocked. And this happened a few times for each.

Frankly, that was a weird time with Billy Corgan. When Billy restricted me on instagram from all sae's accounts, that seemed to strike me as totally official, and really done with Billy's authorization. But at the same time, Billy's facebook account was hacked, like you know a regular obvious type of hacking which makes it totally obvious to the world that the acct is no longer in Billy's control of course. Also at the same time, the reason Billy restricted me was obviously because of drama with his girlfriend Chloe who didn't like me. Now, the thing is, it was more than obvious that Chloe had been speaking with CoSM members about me at the time.

I could totally tell because Chloe's supposed reason for following me on instagram on my visionary ecology acct with the All Ages & Abilities learning tools seemed to be because my resources were styled out in such a way which specifically appeals to sae's Waldorf and media interests, and then there was something somehwere about my references and education that mentioned Delvin, and it seemed quite obvious based on that, that Chloe had researched probably directly with Delvin or some other CoSM member about my tools, and this led to sae supposed reason for blocking me. Ultimately I feel sae intended to block me anyway from the start, but that was like the supposed reason, what it was supposed to look like.

I mean Chloe had a vendetta against me for some retarded evil reason and then proceeded to go on with me pretending that sae had only just discovered my resources and was now following in a clueless way, but hadn't yet researched much. Then sae went ahead and pretended to research iwth CoSM and find reason to hate me. Or if that's not to be assumed, it also looked like perhaps just reacted emotionally to my posts. But regardless, the only question is when did Chloe confer with CoSM? At the time it looked like on paper or at an earlier time? Who knows. It's just CoSM is very dangerous and I did sense some kind of hiding things in sae. 

Regardless anyway, it's been like such a good thing that there's been some way that the hacking and robots and harassment and whatever else has been lowered progressively, but at the same time the brujeria has been worsening, to the point where now I'm finding I'm incapable of functioning quite often work. I'm reaching the point of my ability to even work even no matter how possible it is to get some work that day, is now patchy and it's really hard. 

So financially, unfortunately, things have taken a downturn. I've paid my rent, just a bit early too actually, around just the same as early as the previous month, almost a week in advance. I was hoping to keep wittling that down to finally reaching a whole month in advance like I had it before to reduce rent stress, but hey it was nice a bit early. What happened is though, I was surprised by the way it happened. I'd assume that it would be because I couldn't get money, but what happened is, I had 2 big bills due on the same day and I got enough money for both, but I had to transfer the money from one bank to another to make sure it would get paid just ontime. And then sadly, I actually forgot about one of the bills even though I was aware of it. I had been getting so much brujeria making me feel hopeless about the bills, making me feel defeated about being able to meet both at once. I knew one of them has penalties that are more severe and the other doesn't, so a part of me just forgot about the one without penalties and I put in enough for just one, and that way only the one without the penalties got covered. 

So the one with the penalties on it, that's a really really harsh auto loan that I got for my motorhome. So what happened is, I missed a payment, and I've been really scared about that. That's been totally stressing me out, and I haven't managed to like save away money for some potential time when I get ahold of the loan company. It's really hard to reach them. They don't reply to emails and their phone, you wait on hold for an eternity and quite often they'll drop the call. I can get through sometimes if I try early in the morning first thing then stay on hold for hours, then finally get through.

So that's very stressful for me, since of course, my motorhome does mean so much to me and I've paid so much into it, it would be so sad for it to be repossessed due to these bills escalating during a crazy negotiation process. Cause the thing is, I do want to try to negotiate them back down to $240 while I'm finally in contact with them, but I just know that these bills might pile up even at that rate, and it would be so hard to pay back up to what's owed to date. 

Like even if I got $500 literally right now to give them and I was able to have that all settled now, even at this moment it would be so hard to part with that money. Because right now, I'm out of food. Like I am almost out of vape, as well as food, and it's time to pay into my advertising. So I have quite a bit I need to cover. And it's been this technological warfare for a few days now even though I was ready and able to work thankfully right now. I mean just today I was fully harassed by someone who told me to go fuck myself when in fact sae had already announced that sae were stalking me after sae had been blocked on another number for reasons of harassment. Sae then contacted me from another number to hassle me that sae was blocked, and I explained once again why sae were blocked, and sae told me to go fuck myself. And I'm aware that this is stalking. It's unreal. Even that one incident really bothers me emotionally but I do get stalked quite often actually. But it's normally not with a harassment tone when I'm being super stalked. It's normally all pretending totally that sae have no idea it's not allowed to stalk. 

So like, it became obvious that this person was very kind, so I did occasionally just break out and ask for help sometimes when I was struggling financially, and sae always came through for me, and sometimes played pretend as if this was all to facilitate that we could meet, and sometimes didn't even bother (lol). Like it was obvious that sae was styling it professionally as a bit of a game between us to continually laugh about the fact that so many times sae has said sae will be intending to come over, but keeps not showing up literally every single time, but keeps always being there for me. I mean it was like sae was angling strongly to make sure I knew it was always OK to ask for help and this would never be considered impolite whatsoever. But I've been very sparing about how much I've asked sae, but recently during this crisis I asked for a really huge amount of money and that was granted. With every love. 

So like, I know that's a wonderful position to be in, but at the same time it's also a disorder. Because the fact is, just begging for money from people who don't owe me money at all really is a bad way to depend and rely on getting by. And increasingly I just feel so much more than ever, SUPER upset and stressed and scared to ask. Today, I should have asked yesterday, but I'm completely upset and scared to do so. A part of me worries that it's like all it is, is that these problems at work are only going to continue if I have someone to rely and depend on to bail me out. Plus every time I do, I'm distinctly aware of the fact that I'm asking for money for basically nothing but of course whatever, being willing to pretend it would be something and, I mean sure, that affects my schedule yes it does, and that's real. But it's like, you know, it's just so disturbing to have to beg friends, that's all. I mean it' snot "begging" from sae's perspective towards me, but me, I just can't help but feel upset about it, you know? 

Like I hope I get work instead of having to ask for help. Then I'd feel better. But the thing seriously is, it's just so much better if I can get money some way that's clear. You know it feels better to me if it's a formal reason why ser giving me money aside from like say, for my services as an intimacy counsellor or anything like that which it's best not that, or not also just as a donation just for mysterious reasons too. Like as a donation just a donation, that is great but donations are not something you can ever depend on, it's not a stable resource. Then what it's supposed to be for, it's fine if it's like for almost nothing or for something nice that would be right for me to do which seems meant to be, or something just so easy it's hard to believe. As long as what it is seems like a respectful thing. Like LOL, it's probably be fine with it being something that literally seems like nothing almost, and is obviously not instrumental to ser needs, if it was like 30 Seconds to Mars or something, cause I trust them not to just fire me someday. But I guess for reasons that it can look like I wouldn't be fired someday for no reason and I have no recourse to ask why, then I guess make something up. And I'm totally sure it can be figured out. 

But I'm actually of course totally fine with working for real at an actual job that actually is a real job too, as long as it's suitable. 

Oh yeah and the last thing I wanted to say was just about the brujeria getting worse. Well I've reported that it's been worsening, and long story short there are occasional breaks and it sometimes feels like there's progress being made against it, but I have to say, it's not much in the overall. I'm conditioned to feel like small progress is enormous, really. 

And you know, one of the big breakthroughs that I actually had during that time recently was something of an art project that has been very important to me about Jared's movie Chapter 27 which was blocked by brujeria for many many years since as early as 2019 or so, has finally gotten released and opened to work on that again and make new progress on it finally. And I found that sentimental, cause that old project about John Lennon and The 27 Club to do with Jared's movie, that was something I've always wanted to manifest and was blocked, so I thought I'd add a post about how that's coming along in the Antechamber Meditations where I'm chronicling certain landmarks of events between me and 30STM. But you know, I really didn't want to give Jared and Shannon the wrong impression when I say that I've had a big breakthrough, some kind of a healing that seems far reaching even back into old territory. Because I just don't want to make it seem as though I'm all better now and I don't need any more help, when that's totally not even remotely the case. The brujeria has just been so relentless actually. 

Like yeah I started writing that Antechamber Meditation last night, and it's great, but then I went to bed and the next day the brujeria was right on my ass all over again just making it such a brutal day. And I'll just tidy up that piece and mention that things are still so severe with the brujeria and it's also mentioned here. But that will be just that I'm taking note of a certain breakthrough more for artistic reasons, not to give off a false impression as if things are all good. It's so not all good. I believe I will be able to recover, but anyway I'm still so worried about my weight, not even exercising. I mean I've started walking outside for chores more often and trying to do that more, but the thing is, I can walk no problem outside but brujeria will always stop me from walking on the treadmill. It's like, you know the problem is not exhaustion why I can't work out. The problem is that the treadmill is off limits for me still. My body is not that weak, I'm capable of walking for an hour. But I cannot walk for an hour on the treadmill. And a lot of things are like that constantly. 

Like what it is is not a panic attack exactly but it just feels like anxiety or distrubances just going way through the roof on all levels, and could become a bit of a panic attack in a way. I'm not hyperventilating or anything, and I get the notion of how that feels to actually have a panic attack which I have experienced, but it's not quite that. But it's a form of torture, that's all I mean, more accurately. 

And things like that, that's how my modelling has been destroyed. It started quite a while back, around the time documented on my posts when I was starting to have trouble, that it was like this type of a panic attack when I was doing nice things for a photoshoot like you know, putting on jewellry and getting decorations carefully and primping up my hair and all the details. And gradually the modelling started getting more and more lazy because of these problems. And the pictures were more relaxed and low key which is fine. But then in my Patreon, I started doing sometimes more revealing photos than I normally had wanted to cause I was aware that the most utterly casual shot is not exactly as eye catching or impressive for the Patreon really, in my opinion, so I started doing more topless photos, right? But then the problem was, I started getting all this brujeria trying to impress on me that somehow that was breaking rules or something, as if someone's got a rule over me that I'm not alowed to do that, just cause at times I had stated that's a boundary. 

And I have the Patreon with some supporters, but it's just that it's been announced that I won't be producing much on there. But the thing is, I wish I was. I just think trying to slowly get back into it at least would be crucial for me. 

Anyway that's just one of so many things like that. It's as if there are rules somehow etched in stone against me by these brujos. Sometimes it's posing and pretending to be stars setting that rule but I can see it's not, but it's things like "No to you having topless shots because that's inappropriate in some ladida sense that stars need only a certain type of show", but whatever, it's really my Patreon and not theirs and it's so obvious they would never impose on me. And sometimes too, it's like just an evil rule that I now it's evil. Like no showering. Well that's been obviously identified with the fact that it's associated with making money. This brujeria's just against any financial success for me at all. Of any kind of course. And then there's millions of things like that all intersecting all the time. It's usually so obvious what it's about with the agenda of these brujos and why, but then again, also who's keeping track? Just obviously the whole thing's completely all just going nonstop at too many things and so much, and I can't cope. 

I'm not suicidally depressed, thank God, because of my beliefs about life and death. But you know, what's going to happen? I just know I'm going to break. I'm starting to break. I'm starting to feel like a part of me isn't able to handle anything. So I don't know, I could be prone to physical accidents like when the drawers fell on my feet cause my reflexes were down. Like I dont' want to break an arm or something. 

Like when I say that, I don't mean it like "I'm keeping it secret that I'm suicidal and trying to hint at that though". Like that's not what I mean. when I say I'm worried about accidents, like getting hit by a car or whatever, I don't mean I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and pretend it was an accident. I mean, you know, I think for a lot of people who are suicidal, a big part of the experience for them is like that they imagine calling out to people that they are suicidal is going to finally get people to care about them, you know? Like finally if I cry out that I'm suicidal, THEN they'll give a fuck about me and consider the situation diar and serious, worth responding to. But thank God I just don't struggle with that issue. You know, it is extreme hardcore that I'm displaying all these personal rants on my website, but that's at least real that I feel heard when I do, and I dont' feel like it requires some kind of a sense of my death in order to be heard and loved. That in itself is really healthy. But I do think that I am heard in things like "I perceive real life threatening danger at work", like that's considered life and death potentially, and it is actually. But just, you know, I'm not in a place where I feel like I need to create a death somehow in order to get it as an emergency. 

It's like if 30 Seconds to Mars got me the job. Say they gave me the job, then I have it, then my standards are raised by that. I have a new more wonderful life, youknow? THEN, taking AWAY the job just because these same harmful forces continued to pursue, and they eventually managed to interfere with my job, once I have it, that would hurt me technically more than if they didn't give me the job right now at all. Cause then it's losing not only the job when I've come to need it in a new sense of standards for my life, but also losing as well the relationship with the band then, which was formed through the job, and then losing my record of having kept jobs. So thn I have a mark on my record, a lost friend, and a lost job which is my new sense of a baseline sense of need. So when will they get these ongoing harmful influences out of the way? I don't know. It has nothing to do with how upset I am obviously. But that's not in my perception because they don't care. I just feel they care for me completely but just can't do a thing until these harmful forces are out. The only way to get them out is to rack up damages they've caused in order to sue them for these damages. 

Understandings like that are kinda why I don't get suicidal, cause I know how loved and cared for I am even though it's like i'm being so left and abandoned here like nobody gives a fuck about me at all. I feel certian that although it looks liek I'm screaming out on my website to no one, my cries are always heard. And I'm always loved. 

OK as one last thing, once this was written, I finally got the courage to ask my friend for some food money. So I guess hopefully sae gets the message. Sae is very busy and may not always get my texts and sometimes doesn't reply for weeks, but does try to watch to see if texts seem important so I hope sae gets it.